


Don't Start Me Trying Now

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Series: Angeles [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Canonical Character Death, Christmas Presents, Cutting, Destiel - Freeform, Dubcon Kissing, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Family Drama, Family Secrets, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Grieving Sam, Humor, Hurt Gabriel, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Assault, Past Violence, Pegging, Phone Sex, Pie, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Rimming, Sabriel - Freeform, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Unconventional Families, also in the past, bartender!Sam, business owner!Gabriel, cooking!Dean, domestiel, in the past, married!destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:44:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 77,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1804081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>This is part 2 of the Angeles 'verse, but can probably be read as a stand-alone fic.</em> </p><p>Sam meets up again with Gabriel and finds that a lot has changed since the whiskey-eyed boy left Southpoint. Both grieving and somewhat broken by events beyond their control, they each have their reasons for staying just friends. As they both know too well, though, fate has a way of changing plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who have come along from So Glad to Meet You, Angeles - welcome back! I hope this sequel lives up to expectations. 
> 
> For those looking for more Angeles!Destiel smut, there will be some, but only in time stamps. Most of the Destiel here is Domestiel schmoop (and I'm not a bit sorry).
> 
> For those looking for Sabriel smut, you have come to the right place, but you'll have to wait a while.
> 
> I probably won't need trigger warnings for most of this one, but there are some major warnings that will apply. I am choosing not to tag for them YET because I want to maintain the element of surprise and keep you in the dark for a while. I will warn the hell out of you before those parts of the story, though.
> 
> **TW: excessive drinking, graphic explanation of canonical character death**
> 
> The art links are currently broken and I don't know why, so for now, try this link http://wlidd.livejournal.com/photo/album/835

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam’s visit home leads to reconnecting with an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _New Fanart collage by_[mahbbys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/works)  
>  Commissioned Art By [Netherwings](http://netherwings.tumblr.com/tagged/commissions) who can do amazing work for an amazing price (but don't inundate the poor fellow, I beg you). 

Sam was walking back down to Bobby’s when he saw the candy shop. It wasn’t the same one he remembered from his childhood, but it had the same sort of things. On a whim, he decided to go inside, buy one of those giant lollipops or something else silly and childish. He needed a little childishness and innocence back in his life.

He was in his junior year of college and had come back to town for his Thanksgiving break. He only had Tuesday and Thursday classes, so Sam had flown out Tuesday night. Wednesday, Sam had come to work with Dean - like the old days - and decided to take a walking tour of downtown. He wanted to see what all had changed since he’d last been here, since it was the first time he’d had a chance to explore the old hometown in ages.

The chimes over the door of the candy store were prettier than most, emitting an ethereal tinkle rather than a jingle. There was no one to be seen inside the dimly lit shop. Sam allowed his mood to be buoyed by all the color and sugar. It wasn’t the same shop, but it may as well have been. It had all the same candies, in almost the exact same places that he remembered. In fact, if he didn’t know better, he’d swear that the front corner was the same one where Gabe had grabbed a giant lollipop and used it for cover to steal a kiss on Sam’s cheek.

Sam’s face broke into a soft smile at the memory. He hadn’t thought of Gabe in a long time. When Gabe had moved away, they had parted as friends, but keeping in touch had proved too painful for both of them. By the time Sam tried to contact him again, Gabe’s phone number had changed and Sam’s letter was returned to sender. As Sam grew up, there were no other boys who had caught his interest. There were a few girls who briefly did, though no one serious until - but he didn’t want to think about all that right now.

He was absently walking around the shop as he reminisced, picking up candies here and running his fingers over boxes and wrappers there. In the end, he settled on buying _two_ giant lollies, one for himself and one for Mary. He also found some chocolates for Cas and some apple pie flavored jellies for Dean. He stepped toward the counter just as the door from the back room opened and the clerk walked through. Sam took another step as the man’s face came into view and then Sam froze in place.

“ _Gabe_?” Sam’s voice was disbelieving, but he was almost positive who he was looking at. He felt strange, seeing him again after so much time. He still looked the same, just a little older. He had aged, of course, but the full 9 years could not be seen on his face. He still looked closer to 12 than to the 20 Sam knew him to be.

“Sorry, do we…” The shorter man cocked his head and squinted his whiskey eyes. “Wait...Sam? Sam Winchester? Is that you?” The sandy haired man’s face broke into a huge grin. “I’ll be damned. Look at you! I can’t believe the littlest Winchester is now the size of the Chrysler building,” he said with a smirk and Sam felt his grin crank up a notch at the sight of it, still so familiar after all these years.

“Ha, can’t say the same for you. Have you grown a single inch since the last time I saw you?”

“That hurts me, Sam-O. Truly, you have wounded me.” His grin sort of decreased the effectiveness of his words.

“Gosh, Gabe...It’s really good to see you.”

“You, too, Sam. Even if I am kinda pissed at you.”

“Huh? What for?” Sam was genuinely bothered by the thought Gabe might be upset with him.

“Well, I mean, come on! You’re taller than me, for one. You’re even better looking than you were back then, for another. And your hair? That’s just the last straw, man.” His smirk was back and Sam ate it up like comfort food he hadn’t known he’d missed.

Sam laughed at his old friend’s words. “You’re still a jackass,” he said affectionately. 

“Touché. By the way, I tend to go by Gabriel now. Gabe’s still fine, though. Just, you know.”

“Yeah, I’m still trying to convince Dean to stop with calling me Sammy, but it ain’t working out too good so far,” he said with a laugh. He was stuck for something else to say, so he asked, "So, wow. You, like, live in Southpoint again?"

"Yessir! Went into the candy business a while back - just seemed like a natural gig for me, right?" Gabe said with a wink and a hint of the old smirk.

"Yeah, but don't you eat all the profits?" Sam teased, laughing a little on the last word.

"Haha, cute," Gabe replied drily, trying to seem annoyed, but the effect was somewhat marred by the lollipop sticking out of his mouth. "Anyway, I've expanded now. I've got a chain of these babies across Kansas and I've also got a couple of novelty shops. This is the only one I run, though."

"So how come you came back?"

Gabe shrugged. "Southpoint is home."

"Really? I'd have thought, you know, with your stepdad and all that..." It was Sam's turn to shrug.

"That I hated it here? Yeah, well. Some of my best memories are here."

Sam wasn't sure, but it seemed like Gabe was having a hard time looking him in the eye all of a sudden. For himself, Sam couldn't help wondering if he might be one of those memories. He hoped so. Gabe was certainly one of his.

Sam smiled and told the shorter man, "Yeah, same here." Acting on an impulse he wasn't sure he understood, he pressed the issue. "6th grade in particular." He didn't break eye contact. He saw several emotions flit across Gabe's face before the smirk was firmly in place again.

"Well, _naturally_. I was quite a catch, Sam-o." Sam had to laugh at the accompanying eyebrow wiggle.

* * *

 

Sam didn’t know if Dean and Cas knew that Gabe - except now he was Gabriel, Sam would have to try to remember that - was in town, but he assumed not since neither of them had mentioned it. He walked back to Bobby’s feeling better than he had in a long time. The two had exchanged numbers and promised to get together soon and Sam was actually excited. He wasn’t looking to start anything, obviously, but it would be really nice catching up, nice to have a friend who was totally unconnected to Jessica.

 _Jessica_. He had put her memory aside in the candy shop, but it rushed back now. After high school, he’d gotten into Stanford and met Jessica Moore. Sweet, beautiful Jess, with her golden hair and shining eyes full of promise. He’d met and instantly fallen for her during the first week of his first semester.

They soon became inseparable and before a year had passed, Sam knew he wanted her to spend the rest of her life with him. In the end, he supposed she did. Three weeks into their sophomore year, Jess had gone into a local government building to make a delivery for the campus office where she worked to help pay for school.

Earlier that day, a terrorist calling himself Azazel had planted a bomb inside a floor vent of that same government office. The explosion was so strong that Jess had been embedded in the ceiling.

That was just over a year ago. Sam was still trying to move past his grief and get on with his life. Dean and Cas had tried to convince him to take a year off and stay with them, but he had insisted he had to stay at school. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe because he felt closer to her there - walking the quad where they had spent so many hours holding hands and sitting in the library where he had first kissed her.

He knew in some ways he had made it harder on himself, but there was a part of him that knew he had needed to be at Stanford, to give him a reason to keep going. If he had given up on school, he would have had nothing else worth living for. He’d have curled himself into a ball and died of his broken heart without a future to focus on. A future without her in it was bleak enough, but a future with nothing in it was unthinkable.

For the past couple years, he had mostly let Dean and Cas come visit him, but now he’d finally had to bite the bullet and come home. Other than a short visit in the spring, he hadn’t been home at all since Jessica died. He had spent the summer working at the bar and taking extra classes to get ahead.

When he got back to Singer’s, he headed straight for Dean’s office. Dean was practically running Bobby’s place now, and had helped him expand into 3 locations. He found his brother elbows deep in paperwork and with a cellphone shoved between his ear and his shoulder. He started to leave, but Dean waved him into the office with a mild frown.

“Look, Cas, just sing her the song. I know you feel stupid, but it’s for Mary. You know it’s the only way she’s going down for her nap. I’ve got mountains of papers I’m trying to organize and get sorted. I can’t come home right now and do it and I am not singing the damn song over the phone from here.” He nodded against the shoulder where the phone was propped, and a small smile ghosted his lips. “Yeah, I know, I know, Cas. I’m not mad, baby. I love you, too. I’ll see you in a few hours. Call back later, if you want.”

Dean dropped the phone onto his desk as gently as he could without actually touching it with his hands and gave Sam a wan smile. “You’d think he never raised a kid before.” Dean looked at Sam more intently then. “You look different. What’d you do while you were out?”

Sam smiled, touched that his brother could still read him so easily. “I ran into Gabe, can you believe it?”

“Gabe?”

“Gabe Trixton,” Sam explained, watching the light slowly come on in Dean’s memory.

“Wait... _Gabe_ , Gabe? Sweet tooth a mile long, Gabe?”

“Yeah, that Gabe,” Sam replied, amused. _Like there was another one, Dean._ “So get this, he runs the candy store in Southpoint now!”

Dean laughed out loud and put down the papers he was holding. “Son of a bitch! I can’t wait to tell Cas.” He picked up his phone, then lowered his arms without dialing. “Shit, I better wait. Mary’s supposed to be napping. I’ll send him a text instead. That won’t wake her.” His thumbs made quick work of typing and he put his phone back on the desk.

“So, you look swamped here. Anything I can do to help? Or should I just get out of your hair?”

“Man, Sammy - Sam, sorry - If you could help me organize these papers, that would actually be...that would be awesome. The girl who was supposedly doing all this stuff didn’t show up today and going through it all, it looks like she never did _any_ of it. I can’t even tell what’s been paid until it’s in some kind of order. In the meantime, I’m supposed to be interviewing a new tech in just - shit - 3 minutes and - “

“Whoa, Dean, slow down and take a breath, man. Don’t stress. I’ll sort it out. No problem. Gives me something to do. You got another room to do the interview or should I take these papers somewhere else?”

“Thank you, Sam. I owe you big time. I can take the guy...damn, what’s his name? Where the hell is his application?” He said, scrambling to find it in the unholy mess of paper. “Oh, here it is. I can take this Charlie into the break room and the shop for the meeting, so you can just stay here.” Dean reached up and squeezed Sam’s shoulder on the way out. “You’re a good soldier, son,” he said on his way out the door.

Sam laughed at that. It was something they’d heard in a movie once and Dean had started saying it whenever he had asked Sam to do some chore that he knew sucked. It was one of those things that mostly got left behind in childhood, but it was nice hearing it again. Even, Sam reflected, if that meant Sam had been given another sucktastic chore to do. He sat down on Dean’s desk and pulled the papers toward him with a sigh. It was a good thing he enjoyed this sort of thing.

* * *

 

Sam’s palms were sweating as he waited for Gabriel to arrive at the restaurant on Friday night. They’d agreed to meet at a place in Kansas City, to reduce the risk of either of them running into people from the past. People Sam knew from more recent years - who hadn’t heard the news - always asked about Jessica, so he was grateful Gabe had suggested the change of scenery.

He didn’t know why he was so nervous. When he and Gabriel had known each other, they were just kids. They were both adults now and Sam shouldn’t be feeling like a teenager before his first date. This wasn’t even a date. It was old friends catching up over a friendly dinner _as friends_. Sam hoped if he repeated the idea to himself, he would get over the dumb fluttering in his chest. That hope was dashed as soon as Gabriel walked into the restaurant.

For a second, he looked so much like the young boy he had been that Sam felt like he’d gone back in time. The 12 yr old inside him thrummed with an echo of the same old joy he remembered from back then. He had forgotten how it felt until now, but the ghost of it was all it took to bring it all back to him again. He smiled and waved, thankful that he no longer teared up as easily as he had in his middle school years. Otherwise Gabe - Gabriel - might see his wet eyes and know his thoughts.

“Hey, man, glad you could make it,” he said, rising from the table as the shorter man arrived.

“Am I late? I usually am,” Gabriel conceded with a smile.

Sam laughed, feeling easier now that the man was actually here in front of him. “Nah, not really. I got here early.”

“It’s sweet of you to lie, Sampson,” he said with a wink as the waiter arrived to take their drink orders. He ordered a sweet red wine and fruit plate appetizer.

Sam ordered a beer and baked veggie poppers. They made small talk and looked at the menu until their beverages and snacks arrived. The waiter took their dinner orders and left. For a few moments they ate and drank in silence. Then Gabriel finished a large strawberry off with a sip of wine and wiped his face.

“So, tell me what you’ve been up to, Sam-O. Did you make it to Stanford?”

Sam’s face registered surprise. “Wow, I can’t believe you remembered. Yeah, actually, I did. I’ve just started my junior year of pre-law.”

“Whoa, Sampson! That’s huge! Law, huh? I’m impressed. Not surprised, really. You were always crazy smart. By which I mean a _giant dork_. Even more giant now,” Gabe said with a smirk, putting another bite of fruit in his mouth.

“Big words from such a small man,” Sam teased right back. “How about you? How’d you end up in the candy business?”

“Well, I sold a little software idea I had. Made myself quite a bit of fast money. I considered hookers and blow, but then I thought, why not candy and joy buzzers? So here I am.” He smiled without his eyes getting involved and Sam could tell the story was bigger and less funny than that, but he didn’t press.

“Where did you end up for high school? I know you moved to Illinois for a while, but you didn’t stay there more than a year.”

Gabriel threw him a surprised and vaguely suspicious look. “And just how do you know that?”

“I, uh,” Sam cleared his throat noisily, trying to dislodge the lump he suddenly felt forming at the memories he’d just accidentally brought up. “I wrote you at the address you gave me. It was about 8-9 months after you moved. The letter came back ‘moved left no address” so I knew you didn’t stay there.”

Gabe nodded slowly. “Yeah, um, we moved around quite a bit.” He looked at his food and didn’t elaborate, but again Sam didn’t push. He knew Gabriel’s childhood hadn’t been the best before he left and he had no reason to assume it had gotten a whole hell of a lot better once he’d moved away. Sam knew through Cas that Uriel had left town the same year the Trixtons had and he had always worried about where the man had gone.

“I wish we’d kept in touch,” Sam blurted as soon as he had the thought. He tried to school his face into a neutral expression to try and cover for what had sounded very much like wistfulness in his voice. Gabe’s face snapped up, forkful of fruit still in his mouth. His eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second before his face, too, was neutral.

Then he smirk-smiled in that way Sam knew so well, even after all these years, and said, “But then we wouldn’t be getting to have this nice catch-up dinner, Sam-O!” He emptied his wine glass in one go, but Sam tried not to read into it. Maybe he was just thirsty.

Sam drank a long pull off his own beer, then signalled the waiter to get both their drinks replaced. He pushed his appetizer plate away, but Gabriel finished his before doing so. Sam struggled to find a topic of conversation that wasn’t painful childhood related. Their drinks came and Gabriel drank most of his in the first gulp.

Finally, after another big swallow of his new beer, Sam thought of something to say. “Cas and Dean are still together, did I mention that?”

“Wow, no, you didn’t. That’s fantastic.” He finished his wine and asked the waiter if he could just get a bottle. Sam tried not to wonder if that was a regular thing or if Gabriel was nervous because of him. “They were always good guys. They happy?”

“Yeah, man. They’ve got a kid now! That’s who that candy was for. Her name’s Mary, after our mom.”

“Did they adopt? Can’t imagine that would be an easy process in Kansas.”

“Nah, surrogate. This friend of Castiel’s carried the baby for them.”

“Which one is the actual father?”

“Put it this way, she’s got the second pair of bluest eyes you’ve ever seen,” Sam said with a grin.

“Aw, I bet little Shushtiel junior is adorable. I should go see them, anyway. I didn’t look them up when I got into town. I should have, but...lots of negative Angeles memories.” He smiled and thanked the waiter as his order was placed on the table. He’d been steadily working on his wine and it loosened his tongue. “I know you probably think I’m crazy coming back here, but that house mom and I had when I met you, that was the closest thing to home I ever really had. It was still there when I sold the software and I bought it and a couple of other properties around it.”

“Are you renting out the other houses?”

“No, I’m probably going to tear them down. Or not, I don’t know. But I wanted the privacy of no neighbors, without losing the feel of that middle class neighborhood. Economy being what it is, they were all for sale, so I kind of saved the neighborhood from the fate of the developer.” He smirked. “I’m talking a lot. Must be drinking too much.”

“Wow, so you’re in the old house. That’s great, man. What, um, what about your mom? Where did she end up?”

“I don’t know.” The shorter man dug into his food without saying more.

This time, Sam felt like he should press, if only because he had known Gabe’s mom and wanted to know what had happened to her.

“You guys don’t speak?”

Gabriel paused with a bite on its way to his mouth. He acted as though he would eat it, but then sighed and put the fork back on the plate. “We had a huge fight a couple of years before I moved here.” He took the bite and chewed, face full of emotions Sam couldn’t name. He swallowed and took another, but Sam didn’t think he was done speaking.

When Gabriel swallowed the second bite, he washed it down with wine and sat back a bit in his chair. “The thing is, Sam, there is another reason why I am back in Southpoint.” He sighed heavily. “My father lives here.” He looked Sam in the eye for the first time in several minutes. “My real father.”

“I- wow, Gabe- Gabriel, sorry, that’s….that’s big. I mean, how’d you find out who he was?”

“Well, I almost didn’t, hence the big mom fight. Luckily for me, the man hedged his bets and sent me a letter, same as he did her. He evidently sent hers a few days before mine, though coz mine came after hers. I’m guessing he wanted to give her the opportunity to tell me before he could, but she didn’t take it.”

“So, why did he make contact finally after so many years?”

Gabriel finished his drink, but then gestured at the bottle of wine. “Can you help me with this? I think I’ve reached my limit.”

“Uh, yeah, ok.” Gabriel passed the glass over and sipped at his water instead.

“Turns out he never knew he was my father. She had sent him a letter and it had been intercepted by his jealous brother...it’s a whole soap opera, Sammy. A bad one. Long story short, she refused to believe his story and didn’t want me having anything to do with him.”

“So. Wait. How long have you been back in town?”

“I started visiting him right after the letter, but I didn’t start buying the houses till about 6 months ago. I got the store set up and closed on the houses and got all moved in back in September.”

“So, you and your dad, you’re good?”

“Yeah, yeah we are. I’m sad we never got to know each other when I was a kid and mad I had to grow up without him. And he’s pissed and sad he missed out on my childhood. But neither of us is pissed at each other. We’re getting to know each other. It’s pretty good.” He took another bite and looked at Sam with narrowed eyes. “We haven’t talked about you, though. What’s going on with you these days? Does your significant other know you’re having dinner with a hot almost blond?”

It was Sam’s turn to look uncomfortable and not want to talk now. He hadn’t intended to bring up Jessica, but he supposed there was no way around it. Now they’d breached the emotional baggage barrier, so he had no excuse.

“I’m not with anyone right now. I was engaged, but, uh...she...she died.”

“Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to - “

“No, it’s fine. I mean, fine that I’m talking about it. Not fine that she died.” He took a long drink of wine, trying to steady himself and stop babbling. “It was only about a year ago. She...she died in a bombing. I’m still...I’m still struggling with it. Her name was Jessica.”

“I am really sorry, Sam. All this time I’ve been wondering how you were and it turns out you’ve been going through this.”

Sam seized on the opportunity to make a joke. “You been missing me, Trixton? Aw, that’s sweet.” His smile was meant to be mocking, but in truth the idea did make him smile.

“Shut up, Sasquatch. I just thought of you in passing when I started visiting here again, that’s all. Barely even that, as a matter of fact. Sam, who?” He stuck out his tongue and Sam laughed loud enough to startle the patrons closest to them.

Sam apologized to them sheepishly, then grew slightly more serious. “I thought about you, too, shorty. Wondered if you were still a jackass. And you are.”

The rest of dinner was less awkward and more fun. They joked back and forth and steered clear of more sensitive topics, though they did reminisce about the last Thanksgiving they’d spent together, almost 9 years ago to the day. It had been a good day for both of them.

The wine was strong and Gabe had snuck sips of it throughout dinner even after he’d “stopped” drinking. So neither man was really in adequate shape to drive, especially not all the way back to South Point. They decided to take a cab to the nearest hotel. Sam called Dean and let him know he wouldn’t be home and why. He endured the teasing with patience before calling his brother a jerk as they hung up.

“Sam,” Gabriel said in the cab, “I swear I’m not hitting on you, but you wanna just get one room? We can get two beds, I just don’t wanna stop hanging out yet. Whaddya say?”

Sam was less intoxicated than Gabe, though not by much. It was enough that he could tell how far gone the other man was, however. He intended to turn him down, but found himself nodding instead. Even though he hadn’t been with a guy since the 6th grade, he was still attracted to Gabe and he didn’t want to risk it. Apparently, however, parts of him were acting independently of his brain.

“Sure, Gabe. Let’s do it,” he heard himself saying. “I mean,” he said, snickering, “Get a room together, not _do it_.” He felt dumb after he said it, but Gabe laughed even harder than he did.

They somehow managed to obtain a room with two double beds and make it there, despite the confusion of operating an elevator while intoxicated. The wine was having more of an effect the longer they were away from the restaurant. Sam was more glad than ever that he hadn’t tried to drive.

When they eventually fumbled with the key card enough to open the door, Sam stumbled inside and flopped backwards on the far bed. He enjoyed the merry-go-round sensation for a minute, eyes closed, until he felt Gabe sit down next to him on the bed. Then he opened his eyes and looked up at the whiskey ones he remembered so well.

“You were th’best friend I ever had except m’brother, Gabe. Th’ _best_. ‘M glad you’re back, even though I gotta leave again inna coupla days. Maybe I’ll see you Crissmiss?” He smiled at the shorter man and then closed his eyes, again, spinning and spinning until he fell asleep.

* * *

 

Gabriel woke up with what felt like the mother of all headaches, but he knew was probably really only the spinster aunt. For a moment, he had no idea where he was. Then he looked over and saw Sam in the other bed and it all came back to him. He lay there for a moment, admiring the other man and marveling that he, Gabriel, had managed to wrestle gigantor up and under the covers. But he knew he had. He remembered doing it. Maybe the wine had given him super strength.

Knowing it was a little pervy to ogle an old friend while he was sleeping, Gabriel tore his eyes away. He decided to let Sam sleep and just go take a shower. Once in the bathroom, he called his manager and asked him to open the store and run things till he was able to get there. With this headache, he was in no rush. _The perks of being the boss_ , he thought, and not for the first time.

He stripped down and turned on the tap, giving the water a few minutes to warm up. Once he was in the tub and lathering up, he considered taking care of his base needs with thoughts of his sleeping companion. The last thing he needed, though, was to encourage his already ill-advised attraction for the man.

Gabriel didn’t do relationships and Sam was a relationship guy. He’d been engaged, hadn’t he? Who knew if he even still liked guys, anyway? He could have been a random experiment in Sam’s life. Hell, Gabe himself had done the same with a girl, once. Besides which, Gabe knew himself pretty well. He wouldn’t be able to keep it at just sex with Sam. He would end up falling for the guy and having to break Sam’s heart or having his own broken - or maybe both. All over again.

He scratched his forearm absently, feeling the little ridges by memory. Gabriel was broken already. No need to chip off more pieces with a chisel made of Sam. He could use a friend, though, and friends didn’t think about friends when they were touching themselves. Instead, Gabriel just let his mind wander to an old stand-by fantasy. If the guy happened to be taller than usual with longer hair, well, that was just coincidence.

When he was clean and dry, Gabriel stepped out of the bathroom to find that Sam had already woken up and was blinking around the room in confusion. His eyes lit on Gabriel and the shorter man could see the memories dawning. Sam rubbed his head, obviously sharing the headache Gabriel had.

“I’ve got aspirin if you want it. I took mine before my shower and my head is almost not a bass drum anymore.”

Sam’s smile was wan. “Thanks, man. Hey, um, sorry if I said anything stupid last night? I’m not exactly sure when I stopped talking and fell asleep.”

“No harm done, kiddo. You were the best friend I ever had, too,” he said with a wink. Gabriel didn’t want to think about the warmth that had flooded through him at Sam’s words. Truthfully, he had missed Sam Winchester for 9 years, but he couldn’t risk letting that be known.

As the other man took his shower, he couldn’t help thinking about it, though.

Life after he had left South Point had been bad. Leaving Sam had been even harder than he thought it would be. They had tried to keep in touch, but after a while, every phone call was just a reminder of what neither of them had anymore. He didn’t remember who had finally said it out loud, but they both agreed not to talk for a while.  He did remember all the tears, though. They had stayed on the phone that night for hours, neither knowing it would be the last time they would speak - at least as children - but both somehow fearing just that anyway.

Then a few months later, Uriel had found them and they’d had to leave in a hurry. No time to tell Sam his new address. No time to let him know the new cell phone number. For a couple years after that, they had basically lived on the run. Maybe not as much as Sam and Dean had with John those early years, but it was close. They never stayed still longer than 6 months. Finally Gabe had given up and gotten a GED.

By some miracle, he’d met a guy who talked him into going to college. Bad things had happened once he got there, but the blessing had come in the form of his computer classes. He’d always been good at them. Sam had gotten him interested initially, but Gabriel had taken to them easily. When he was supposed to be working on a project for his computer class, he’d had an idea that was too genius to share with his teacher and classmates, so he’d contacted investors instead of going to class.

It was a risk that had paid off and then some. Now, he had his businesses and his houses and he even had his father because of it. His dad had seen his picture in the paper when he made the sale and that’s how he knew where they were. At first, Gabriel had worried that his father was after his money, but then he’d gone to visit and realized that was not even close to the case. His father was loaded in a way Gabriel would probably never be, even though his own businesses were booming and he’d invested everything he hadn’t spent.

Through all those things, good and bad, Sam had stayed in the back of his mind. Gabe had had a couple of other boyfriends and even the one girlfriend, though admittedly they’d all been mistakes of one kind or another. And then he’d just given up and slept with too many people. But no matter what, he’d never quite forgotten Sam Winchester. Sweet, funny Sam-O, with the kind eyes and the tough brother and the big open heart that made everything seem better. Sam who had accepted him just the way he was, scars and all.

And the big dumb bastard didn’t seem to have changed at all. He was still funny and kind and accepting. It would have been enough to piss Gabriel off - if he hadn’t been so damned grateful. That at least that one thing had not changed; that the boy he remembered, his Sam, was still the same good guy he was when he was 12. One constant in a world of decay was better than Gabriel could have hoped for - even if he couldn’t have Sam the way he wanted him.

The sound of the shower turning off put an end to his ruminations. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he waited for the Samsquatch to emerge. Touching the bottle that lay in one, he was thankful Sam had not questioned why he had aspirin on him. That was not a conversation he felt like having today. Or any other day, for that matter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please share your thoughts with me! Comments ~~and kudos~~ make my life worth living (no pressure) ♥


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A catch-up dinner and a Christmas vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we see the native angst in its natural habitat. The wannaliveindeansdimplesangst is different from others of its kind because of the way it surrounds itself in fluff. The angst has no natural predators, but is often felled by schmoop and fandom prayer.

When Sam got back home, Cas was feeding Mary while Dean turned Thanksgiving leftovers into Saturday lunch. Thankfully, Dean was too busy cooking to torment him about spending the night with Gabe. Cas, however, was very interested in how Gabriel was doing, so Sam sat down at the table while his brother-in-law fed the baby in the high chair.

“Brrrrrrm, it’s an Impala, Mary, yummy!” This was probably already the fourth time he’d heard it this visit, but Cas making car engine noises would never stop amusing Sam. He was grinning widely by the time Cas asked, “So come on, Sam, spill. Tell me how he’s been doing.”

“Well, first of all, he says he’s planning to come see you soon. He’s been really busy since he got to town. Uh, I don’t know how much I can tell you about some of the things he said? But he’s, uh, he’s got a bunch of candy and novelty shops around the state and he runs the one in town himself.” Sam scratched his thigh. “Let’s see, what else? Oh! He bought his old house, the stone one over on Mystery Avenue?”

“Really? That’s nice. I liked that house. How’s his mom?”

“Uh, well, I don’t know, really. He said...well, I guess it’s ok to tell you this part...Uh, he and Andrea haven’t spoken in a couple years, apparently.” He held up both his hands to stop the questions he knew Cas was going to ask once he stopped making the latest round of engine noises at his daughter. “Don’t ask me why, because I know he won’t want me to tell you that part. They had a big fight, anyway, and they don’t talk anymore.”

“That’s unfortunate. I liked Andrea. Of course, I thought she made a poor decision, taking Gabriel away from here. We could have protected them.”

“As I recall, a lot of people were making poor decisions around that time,” Dean said from the other side of the kitchen island. He hadn’t lifted his eyes from his work.

Cas looked pained and annoyed. “Are you ever going to let that go?”

Dean grinned at him. “Married you anyway, didn’t I? Flew to New York and everything. _On a plane_ , Castiel.” He turned to his brother. “The man is never satisfied, Sammy, I swear,” Dean said, gesturing toward his husband with the tip of the knife he was wielding.

“Man, I’d forgotten you two broke up. It’s weird to think about it. I don’t really remember a time when you two weren’t together.”

“Well,” Dean said, his voice full of sad memories, “You had other things on your mind.” He shrugged off the reminiscing. “But, Gabriel is back in town and you’re back in touch and so there is a happy ending after all.” He looked back at his food prep and his face grew serious again. “Wish I’d had a time machine to tell you that back then.” Anger seemed to twist him for a moment then. “As for me, I’m glad he’s not speaking to Andrea. I’d give her another piece of my mind if I saw her again.”

Sam looked at his brother fondly. “Dean, I lived. It was hard. It really sucked, but I moved past it.” He raised his eyebrows thoughtfully, turning his gaze back to the table. “Just as well you _didn’t_ have a time machine, though, because if you’d told me it would be 9 years before I saw him again...man, I don’t know if I would’ve gotten over it.” Then Sam frowned, eyes reddening slightly. “Besides, I guess losing Gabe back then was good preparation. It gave me good practice on how to get through grief.”

He shook off the bad thoughts and smiled at his brother to soothe the concern off his face. “Anyway, Gabe is back now and it’s nice having a friend.” He pointed at Dean with a spoon he picked up from the table. “And that is _all_ he is, so don’t keep teasing me about him. I am not looking for anything and he’s…” Sam frowned again, remembering the night before. “Guys, something happened to him after he left. He’s still the same smirking Gabriel on the outside, but...I don’t know, never mind.”

He busied himself playing with Mary so they wouldn’t ask more questions. But inside, Sam was thinking that Gabriel had lost all that hope and joy for life he used to have. He was too young to be as jaded as he was now. It was like the candy shops and the novelty stores were an attempt to capture something he didn’t have anymore. Sam didn’t think it was working, though.

“Anyway, like I said, Cas, he’s supposed to get in touch with you soon. He was happy to hear the two of you were still together. He said you were always good guys.”

Dean was wiping his hands and coming around the island as Sam said it and he wrapped his arms around Cas from behind. “He’s right about that, isn’t he, Mary? Yes. We are awesome guys, aren’t we?” He nuzzled Cas and made funny faces at his daughter and Sam smiled happily at the 3 of them, his earlier sadness forgotten for the moment.

The next couple of days passed quickly, in a haze of domestic bliss. He had a much happier trip than he’d expected and he was sad to leave, but he had to get on a plane Tuesday morning. Gabriel had promised to call Sam before he left, but when he still hadn’t heard from him by Monday night, Sam decided to send a text.

**Flying out in the morning. Just wanted to say -**

Sam erased most of it and tried again.

**Flying out tomorrow. Good seeing you again. Keep in touch, yeah?**

His thumb hovered over send for a good 30 seconds as he debated his message. Just as he would have pressed it, the phone rang in his hand, startling him and causing him to hit the button just before the caller ID popped up and filled the screen. Sam was surprised to see Gabriel’s name there.

“Uh, hey, Gabe. Man, I just sent you a text.”

“Really? I didn’t - oh, there’s the noise for it now. Should I read it before we talk? Was it sexy? Coz if it was sexy I wanna read it before we talk.”

“Still. A. _Jackass_ ,” Sam informed him.

Gabriel laughed. “Yeah, you’re probably right. But I’m a lovable jackass. Anyway, I said I would call before you left, so I am calling. Didn’t mean to leave it so late, but believe it or not, there was a crisis in candy land and I had to deal with that over the weekend.” He was quiet for a moment, but before Sam could say anything, he was talking again. “How early do you have to get up in the morning?”

“The plane leaves at 10, so probably about 8:30. I’m all packed, so it’s just making the drive to the airport.”

“Is it too late for us to go get drinks? I don’t wanna take you away from your family or anything.”  
  
Sam laughed. “Please, they put the baby down a couple hours ago and they were out themselves by 8:30. I’d love to get a drink.”

“Cool, Sam-O. Murphy’s or somewhere else?”

“Actually, do you remember Ellen and Jo?”

“Um...Yeah! We stayed with them that one time? Had Thanksgiving dessert at their house?”

“Yep. Well, Ellen left nursing a couple years ago and they opened a bar. Wanna try their place?”

“Sounds good. Where is it?”

Sam gave Gabe directions while he grabbed his stuff and got ready. He picked up his keys and headed down the stairs and toward the back door, leaving a note on the fridge for Dean on the way. He was glad he had kept his car here instead of selling it when he went to Stanford. It made things a lot more convenient. He would probably sell it if he moved to California full time, but he still wasn’t sure that was what he wanted to do.

He drove the few miles to the bar trying not to think about Gabriel because he didn’t want to get nervous again. When he pulled up he was happy to see it was a slow night. Ellen and Jo probably didn’t appreciate that, but hopefully it had been plenty busy earlier. He didn’t see Gabe’s car in the parking lot, so he went on through the door. Ellen spotted him and waved as soon as he walked inside, a bright smile on her face.

“Hey, Ellen! How’ve you been?”

“Hey there, Sam Winchester! I haven’t seen you in months! Did you come by just to say hello or are you drinking?”

“Actually, do you remember my friend Gabe from when I was a kid? I ran into him the other day and we’re meeting for drinks.”

“Well, of course I do. He was a character, that one. Can’t wait to see him. You grab a seat and me or Jo one will be over in a few minutes.” She paused to put down the glass she was wiping and pick up another. “And don’t think you’re gettin’ out of here without a hug, boy.”

Sam laughed, “No, ma’am, I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Sam took a booth that was close to the corner, but in full view of the door. In just a couple of minutes, Gabriel stepped inside and looked around until he spotted Sam. He waved and took off his overcoat, which appeared to be wet. He hung it on the rack by the door before making his way over.

“Hey, man, how’s it going?” They shook hands, but Sam decided Ellen wasn’t the only one he was getting a hug from before he left if Sam had anything to say about it.

“Heya, Sampson! It’s going, I guess. You have a nice visit with your brother?”

“Oh, yeah, man. Him and Cas and Mary, doing the whole domestic thing? It’s the best. Almost makes me not want to go back.”

“Nah, you were meant for Stanford, Sam-O. You been talking about that place since the 6th grade.”

“I did say almost. Is it hard to hear me way down there, Gabe? I’ll speak louder.” He raised his voice for the last sentence and Gabriel shot him a bird. They both grinned.

“It’s good to see you, jackass.” Gabriel was stopped from saying more by the arrival of Ellen.

“Well, hey there, Gabe, remember me?”

“Yes, ma’am, I sure do. It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you, too. Now don’t be shy, gimme a hug, boy!” She wrapped him up in her muscular arms and squeezed until he made a comical face over her shoulder at Sam.

“Uh, Ellen, I think you might be killing the guy.”

“You shut up, boy, it’s your turn anyway,” she said, pulling away and grabbing Sam for his own rib-crushing.

When she had left bruises on both men, she took their drink orders. Sam got his usual beer and Gabriel went with a daiquiri.

“Still got that sweet tooth, I see.”

“You’ve got a good memory.”

“What, like you think there’ve been so many people willing to put up with this giant dufas that I can’t keep track?” She hooked a thumb at Sam and smiled as she teased them. “Besides,” she added with a more serious look, “some people just stand out on their own.”

“They do,” Gabe agreed, “And I don’t remember you being much on hugs back then.”

Sam laughed as he realized Gabriel was right. Sam couldn’t even remember now when Ellen had gone from being reticent to make any kind of physical contact to becoming a diehard hugger because it had been so long ago.

“Ha! Touché kid. I seem to recall there being a Winchester or two involved in my conversion.” She winked. “I’ll get your drinks right out, boys.”

“I like her,” Gabriel said, watching her walk back toward the kitchen.

“Yeah, Ellen’s a good one. The closest thing to a mom I ever really had when I was little.”

“Oh, that’s right! That weekend, she was talking about trying to adopt you. You ever end up moving in with her?”

“Nah, I stayed with Dean. Well, with Dean and Cas.” Sam laughed. “Cas was a pretty good mom, too, actually.”

“I still haven’t called him. I need to.”

“Yeah, he was excited to hear you were in town, wanted to hear all about you. I didn’t, uh, get into any of the gory details. I just told him the basics.”

“I wasn’t worried, Sam-O. You were always good at keeping my secrets.”

“Gosh, Gabe,” he exclaimed, twirling his napkin. “It’s been nine years. Can you believe it?”

“I know, Sammy. Feels like forever and feels like no time at all, right?”

Their drinks came then - along with a Jo reunion. She didn’t remember Gabe as well as Ellen had or vice versa, but she hadn’t seen Sam in a long time, so she stayed for a couple of minutes to catch up. After she was gone, Sam and Gabriel stuck to small talk for a while, until the alcohol started working its tongue-loosening powers on them both.

At some point in the conversation, the flirting started. Sam couldn’t remember who had really made the first comment, but it was fun to banter back and forth. This was a little more intense than the friendly teasing they’d engaged in so far. At least once or twice, Sam was certain he’d caught real heat in the look Gabriel was giving him, but each time the guy had masked it with another joke instead of taking it further.

“Getting a little handsy with that beer, aren’t you there, Sampson?” Gabriel teased as Sam realized he had been absently stroking up and down the neck of the bottle as they talked. “Do you two need some alone time?”

Sam slowed his hand so that the strokes were more deliberate and suggestive. “You’re one to talk, the way you’ve been french kissing that straw all night. You know you don’t have to use your tongue to get it in place, right?”

Gabriel grinned and slid his tongue up one side of the straw, pulling it between his lips. “You’re just mad because you can’t stop thinking about my - Hey, Jo,” he said as he realized she was suddenly right next to him. “I think Sampson here needs another beer. Pretty sure that one’s spent.”

The bit with the straw had reminded Sam of Dean taking the 4 of them out for ice cream. He started to laugh and Gabriel looked at him funny. “Do you remember…” He paused, laughing too hard to continue for the moment. “Do you remember when you and me and Cas and Dean all went for ice cream and you...you...fuck…” Sam dissolved into giggles.

He looked at a clueless Gabe for a a few seconds, then saw light dawn in his face. Seeing Gabe start to blush made him laugh even harder. “Are you talking about me licking the spoon?” Sam kept laughing until Gabriel raised an eyebrow and tongued his straw again. Suddenly Sam could see him with the spoon and it wasn’t as funny anymore.

Gabriel waggled his eyebrows as if sensing the turn of Sam’s thoughts and it was the taller man’s turn to blush. Gabe licking that spoon suggestively when they were 12 and didn’t know the first thing about sex was one thing. Thinking about him doing it now was altogether different. It made Sam feel warm in a not unpleasant way.

Things went on like that for maybe half an hour. Then came the moment when their fingers accidentally brushed together on the table. They had each snapped their eyes up to look at the other. Gabriel had pulled his hand back - snatched it, really - and sat back in his seat, clearly displeased. He stared out into the parking lot for a few moments while Sam tried to decide whether to try to joke away the tension.

“Sam, look, I’m not gonna lie. I find you really attractive, ok? And flirting tonight...I’ve really enjoyed it. But I don’t...date. I fuck and I walk away. And right now I’m not even looking for that much. Not that I think...I just...I don’t do relationships, Sam-O. And I’m not looking for sex and...Like I said, I like flirting with you and I know I started it, but I need you to know that that’s as far as I intend for it to go.”

“Wow, Gabe, ego much?” Sam smirked at him for a change. “I’m not looking to get into anything, either. I think I mentioned that my fiancée died last year?” He lost the smirk and dropped his eyes, pointing to his chest. “Not over it. Not even close.” The ghost of a smile played at his lips then. “Besides, I haven’t even kissed a guy in 9 years. Flirtation is as far as I wanted to go, too.” He shook his head and slid out of the booth. “Gotta run to the bathroom, I'll be right back. Order me another beer if she comes by?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before he walked away. Sam didn’t need the bathroom, he just needed a minute to himself. He pushed through the men’s room door angrily, glad to find the place empty. While everything he had said to Gabriel was technically true, he couldn’t help a sharp disappointment at Gabe’s words. He had been enjoying the flirting more than he might have expected. For a little while, he forgot he was a sad sack with a dead fiancée and the occasional desire not to wake up in the morning.

More than that, though, it was the finality of Gabriel’s statements that bothered him the most. Sam hadn’t even realized that he had hoped he and Gabriel could work eventually toward something more than friendship. Not until the possibility had been taken away. He _had_ realized he’d hoped they might get into something physical in the not too distant future, but it sounded as though that was out, too.

He took a deep breath. If Gabriel just wanted a friend, then Sam would just be a friend. That was something Sam really needed, after all. So he would just have to forget the rest and be a good friend. He could do that, just fine. He decided, however, that they’d have to put an end to the flirting. He wasn’t sure he could stay neutral if they kept flirting. In fact, he reflected, if he were honest, he knew he couldn’t. He had already lost neutrality during what little flirtation there had been tonight.

He stepped back out and walked back over to the booth, eyeing the fresh beer that sat in front of his seat. He slid in and grabbed it, taking a long chug of it. He had a bitter taste in his mouth and he didn’t like it. The beer only helped a little.

“Sam-O, look, I - “

“Gabe, it’s fine. We don’t need to talk about it anymore. Message received, ok?” He took another sip. “Just, no more flirting. It won’t lead anywhere good, so why bother?” He took a third pull from his drink. “Let’s stick to being friends. I think we could both use one of those, right?”

“No, listen, Sam, please. I’m sorry.” He put a hand on Sam’s and quickly yanked it away again, dropping his eyes to his drink. “I was a dick. I meant what I said, but...I didn’t mean for it to all rush out like that, like I thought you were pushing for something. I know you’re not. I was…” He pushed a hand back through his hair and blew a breath out through his lips. “I think I was reminding myself that _I’m_ not.”

Maybe that shouldn’t have made Sam feel so much better, but it did. If Gabe was having to remind himself that he didn’t date, then that meant...No. It didn’t matter. They still needed to stick to friendship. Regardless, it was nice to know Sam wasn’t the only one having feelings here.

Sam smiled and ducked his head to get Gabe’s attention. When he caught his eye, Sam teased, “Well, of course you did, Gaby-Baby. I am quite a catch.” He winked and sipped his beer as the other man smirked in relief and feigned annoyance.

“Throwing my own words back at me? Nice.” But then he was smiling and the tension was gone.

They finished their drinks while making easy conversation about whatever came to mind. They mostly stayed away from personal topics, except when Sam would mention a thing Dean did or Gabriel would tell Sam something his father told him. Sam stayed out too late, but he didn’t care. He could nap on the plane home. When the men finally parted company, Sam got that hug, without even a token protest from Gabriel.

* * *

 

It was hard getting back into his classes, but for once it wasn’t because the place was reminding him of Jess. The fact was, he was missing home a little bit. He wouldn’t admit to missing Gabriel, but he definitely missed Dean and Cas and the baby. He missed their house and Ellen’s bar and all the familiar things he had kind of taken for granted once he got to California and met Jessica - and then lost her. Everything else had gotten put aside in his mind for a while, but this last visit had changed all that. Seeing the place after so long away - and seeing Gabe again - had helped remind him where home was.

He’d been back in Cali about three days when Gabriel called him. Sam worked weekends at a bar just off campus and he was just about to end his Friday afternoon shift when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He ignored it as he finished getting a beer for his last customer - a good tipper, he was pleased to see - and metaphorically passed the apron to his replacement, Ash.

“See ya, Samulater!”

“Bye, Ash.” Sam didn’t know why everyone gave him crazy nicknames. Gabe had started it, though, he knew that.

He was off the clock and walking home before he remembered to check his phone. He was surprised to see “Gabe - (1) Missed call & (1) Voicemail” on the screen, but pleasantly so. He pressed the play button. He wasn't one of those people who called back without listening to his messages. It was something he and Dean both ranted about occasionally, to the continued amusement of Cas, who _was_ one of those people. 

“Hey, Samalam, how’re things? Just shut down the shop for the day and saw one of those big lollipops and thought ‘Hey, a giant thing! I wonder how Sam is?’ so I thought I’d call and say hello. Heading over to my dad’s later, but I’m free for the next hour or so, if you get this. Later.”

Sam laughed and then dialed back. He waited for Gabriel’s greeting and then said, “Why do you call me so many nicknames?”

“Why, I don’t know what you mean, Samantha.” Gabe thought for a moment. “I dunno, Sam-O. Your name just works for it, I guess. Plus, I think I just kinda do that? Hard to say. I don’t talk to a lot of people.” He cleared his throat. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering. This guy I work with called me Samulater as I was walking off my shift and it was on my mind, then you called me Samalam in your voicemail, so I asked. Anyway, how’s it going?”

“Going good, Sam. I was...ok, full disclosure here. I was kind of feeling bad again for the way I acted the other night. I know I apologized, but I didn’t really give you the whole story.”

“Uh...ok. What story?”

Gabe sighed heavily over the phone. “Bah...dammit, I’ve had 3 days to brood on this, you’d think I’d have the words all handy to say, wouldn’t you?”

Sam laughed. “Dude, it’s me, ok? If I was gonna judge you, I’d have started with your food choices and moved on to your taste in clothes.”

“Dick,” Gabe said, but Sam could hear him smiling. “Ok, look, I don’t...the truth is, I am not used to any sort of social interaction with anyone outside my family. At least not any kind that doesn’t involve little foil packets and tubes of clear gel.”

“Vivid,” Sam replied dryly. “Dude, it’s cool.”

“I mean, I’ve got a couple people I hang out with sometimes, but no one I’m close to and usually, it’s just me. It’s been a long time since I had an actual close friend, ok? It’s...hard for me to know how to navigate.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile. “That’s the beauty of being friends, Gabriel. We figure it out together. I’m not exactly the poster child for popularity myself. My best friends are Dean and Cas and they aren’t exactly good practice for honing social skills, you know?”

“Point taken. Phew, Sam-O. I feel a lot better. Hope it’s cool that I called you?”

“Yeah, man. Call me anytime. Hope it’s cool I plan to return the favor.”

“See you later, Samulater.”

“Ugh, you jackass.”

* * *

 

Sam was excited to be going home for Christmas. Mary was squirming all over the place now and was getting really good at sign language, so she was probably old enough to enjoy her first Christmas. Sam intended to spoil her, regardless. He’d bought so many presents that he had to ship them home so he didn’t have to worry about getting them on the plane. Dean had protested a little, but Sam could tell he didn’t really mean it.

He and Gabriel were talking at least once a week now. Despite Gabe’s initial anxiety, they’d fallen back into being friends just as easily as they’d become friends to begin with. Sam had bought him a present, even though he was sure Gabriel had not gotten him anything. He enjoyed expressing affection through gifts. He knew Gabriel used to be that way, too, but he figured it was probably one of the ways the man had changed from the boy.

He had a full three weeks off for the break because, in addition to the standard holiday, the campus was using the time to do some needed repairs on the plumbing system. Sam was not sorry for the extra time, even though it hadn’t been that long since his last break. He had missed home so much since being back, he couldn’t wait for the plane to land so he could see everyone.

When he stepped outside the airport, he was surprised to see Gabriel, holding Mary and standing next to Cas and Dean. They all laughed at his look of shock. Sam hugged Dean and then Cas before moving over to clap Gabriel on the shoulder and smile and pat hands with Mary.

“Hey, kiddo,” Gabriel greeted him. “I was visiting Cas yesterday and he mentioned they were coming to get you today and he thought it would be fun if I tagged along. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not, dork. Anyway, it’s not like you’ll take up any room in the car. I assume you and Mary are sharing a car seat?”

“Your uncle is a bad man, Mary,” Gabriel cooed to the baby. “A very bad, giant man with stupid hair. I want you to cry whenever he holds you, ok?”

“Hey! She’s old enough to understand you, you know!” Sam protested. “Gabe is just teasing, Mary. You know Uncle Sammy loves you the best!” He said, smiling and taking a grinning Mary from Gabriel’s arms.

“Tiny traitor. I thought we were bonding, you and me,” Gabriel said to the baby with an exaggerated pouty face. She cackled with laughter and grabbed a fistful of his hair, drooling in delight. “Aww, I see the family resemblance! You look just like your Uncle Sammy now, don’t you?”

Sam turned her away from Gabriel, yanking some of the shorter man’s hair in the process. He took a sick thrill in the yelp Gabe made. He was a little sorry, but not much.

“No, no, you two keep flirting while I get all 8 metric tons of Sam’s shit into the trunk,” Dean said, voice dripping with sarcasm. Then he muttered, “I knew I should have brought the Impala.”

“Dean, until you upgrade the safety features, you are not putting our daughter in that car!” Sam could tell from Cas’ voice and Dean’s eye roll that this was an old argument.

Sam decided to play nice and handed Mary back to Gabriel so he could help Dean with the rest of his luggage. “Sorry, man, I’m coming. Can you blame me for wanting to hold my adorable niece?”

“Oh, is that what you were doing?” Dean said with a fake smile that turned into a blank stare. “Just hand me a bag, bitch.”

“You’re certainly swearing a lot in front of our child, Dean.”

“Hey, crabby, you wanna lift or you wanna nag? Our child is gonna grow up talking like her daddy and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Cas pursed his lips and turned away from them, offended. “Shit,” Dean whispered, stepping away from the back of the car.

Sam continued loading in luggage while watching, fascinated, as Dean walked over and put an arm around Cas. The arm was shrugged off at first, but Dean put it back again, while speaking softly to his husband. Sam couldn’t hear what was said, but he saw the love and remorse on Dean’s face and saw Castiel’s shoulders and face relaxing. Finally, Dean ducked his head down to make Cas look at him and when he did, he kissed him with a wide-eyed smile.

Sam noticed that Gabriel was watching, too, with a wistful expression on his face. Gabriel started to turn toward Sam, so he looked away before they made eye contact. He didn’t want Gabe to realize he’d seen the look on his face. He looked back up and Gabe gestured to the couple - who now had their foreheads pressed together - with his head, rolling his eyes. Sam just smirked and shook his head.

The car ride back to Dean’s was fun. Dean explained that he and Cas had had a late night with the baby and apologized for their public spat. He and Cas were both in really good moods after their little blow up and Mary was being entertaining, too. Gabriel was his usual self, which only added to the enjoyment. Sam mostly just listened and laughed, not even trying to keep up with the rest of them when it came to quips.

Gabriel came with them as far as the driveway, but declined the offer to come inside. He said he had to get back to work soon to do inventory. He said his goodbyes to Cas and Dean, surprising Sam yet again when he hugged them both and kissed Mary on top of her head. The three went inside, leaving Sam to say his goodbyes.

“I’m glad you came out to the airport, man. That was a cool surprise.”

“Me, too, Samster. It was a blast.”

“Oh, man, _another_ nickname? Seriously?” But he was smiling.

“I will always find new ways to annoy you, Sam-O. I make a solemn vow.” He put his hand over his heart and Sam slapped his shoulder.

“Idiot. So are we getting together again while I’m in town? I’ve got 3 weeks to kill, you know.”

“Yeah, I think I can squeeze you in somewhere.”

Sam snorted and Gabriel cocked an eyebrow.

“Why Sampson, were you reading filthy innuendo into my totally innocuous statement?” Gabriel batted his eyes, the picture of innocence. Then he leered at Sam with a waggle of the brows and his usual smirk. “I’m proud of you.”

“Give me a hug and get out of here, jackass.”

* * *

 

It was Christmas day before Sam saw Gabriel again. He had had plenty to occupy his time, however. Between Cas’ decorating, Dean’s baking, and now-crawling Mary’s insistence on getting into everything she was tall enough to reach, the house was festive chaos. Dean had taken time off from work to be home with “his 3 favorite people in the world” and Sam was realizing just how much he’d missed his older brother while he’d been in California.

Halfway through the day, after all the presents had been opened and the living room lay in a sparkled ruin of shiny paper and ribbons, Sam had gotten a call from Jessica’s parents. He hadn’t talked to them in months. He’d called them regularly for a long time after she died, but they had eventually made it clear they would prefer he keep the calls to a minimum because it was too painful. He hadn’t blamed them. The only thing they had in common was Jessica, and it was hard finding ways to talk about that once the wounds had started to scab over.

He was really surprised to hear from them, but glad they had called. The conversation was better than the previous few they’d had. They sounded as though they were doing better, even though the holiday had them missing Jessica quite a bit. It was while talking to them that he realized he hadn’t felt as sad as he had expected to - at least, not until they called. He still missed her everyday, but the sharp bite had mostly been replaced by a dull ache. He felt a little guilty for that, but he knew it was how the world worked. Time marched on and life continued after death.

Hearing them talk about her now, though, was bringing to mind all the little things he had started to forget. The glow of her hair in the light, the tilt of her head when she smiled sometimes, and the way she would tuck her face into her wrist to laugh when she was embarrassed. He understood now exactly why her parents had asked him to stop calling so often. He thought of how she might have looked, opening up her own gifts and seeing him open his. Then he thought of her with Mary and it was nearly his undoing.

The call didn’t last very long and for that he was grateful. Once he hung up, though, he was a wreck, the way he hadn’t been in a long time. He went downstairs to see if his brother and Cas could provide distraction, or maybe the baby could. What he found instead was Cas and Dean passed out on the couch while Mary slept in her portable bassinet. He was overwhelmed with emotion then. Happiness for them, sadness for himself, longing for something he might never know again.

For the first time in months, he asked himself how he was supposed to build a life when the person he’d chosen to build it with was gone? He felt a thick burning ache in his throat and he had to get out of the house. He grabbed his wallet and keys and hopped in the car. For a while he just drove, with no destination in mind. Then he somehow found himself in front of Gabriel’s house. He didn’t know why he’d driven here and he started to drive off, but then Gabriel walked out with a bag of trash and spotted him, so he pressed the brakes and waited.

Gabe put the bag in the can out by the curb and then came over to the window, which Sam had rolled down.

“Hey, kiddo, you come to wish me a merry Christmas and forget your joy buzzer or something?” The words were out before Gabriel had leaned into the vehicle enough to see Sam. Once he did, he said, “Hey, man, you’re not ok. Why don’t you park the car and come inside?” Sam hesitated, then nodded and did as he was asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE THESE TWO IDIOTS?_ Ugh. I hope it's even 1/10th as much as I do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas sadness and Christmas surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We meet someone new in this chapter. I'm rather excited to see what you think of him.
> 
> There is angst and grief and fluff and flirting, but no smut. ~~Unless breakfast foods are your thing, in which case you might be very happy.~~
> 
> In case you missed, there is a Time Stamp posted, too. It falls between So Glad to Meet You and this fic, so you if you read part one, you're fine to read it. Mild spoilers if you haven't, but only sort of.
> 
> All fan art for this story was commissioned from [Netherwings](http://netherwings.tumblr.com/tagged/commissions)

Gabriel had certainly not expected to walk out his door and see Sam’s car out front, let alone see it starting to drive away. He had been avoiding calling the guy. Mainly because he was afraid the holidays would amplify the trouble he was having keeping things at just friends. It was _Gabe’s_ idea, _Gabe’s_ preference to keep things friendly. So why was Gabe the one having all the trouble remembering that’s all he wanted?

Except, if Sam was in his driveway unannounced on Christmas Day, maybe he wasn’t the only one. Then Gabriel saw Sam’s face and realized there was a lot more going on in old Sam-O’s life than whether or not they should stay platonic.

He hadn’t intended to invite him inside. Gabriel’s father was in the house right now and they still hadn’t told anyone who they were to each other. As far as Gabe knew, the man told everyone that he and Gabriel were discussing a possible business idea. His father knew Sam personally, if not very well.

Gabriel rushed inside while Sam parked the car. “Dad? Oh, there you are. Look, uh, my friend Sam showed up. He’s in a bad way and I invited him inside. I know you wanted to keep your identity a secret, so…”

“Gabriel, it’s fine. If he’s your friend, I’m sure he can be trusted not to say anything. And anyway, maybe it’s about time to stop keeping it a secret.”

“Ok, whatever you say. Just, uh, you might know him. His last name is Winchester.”

“What? Castiel’s brother-in-law?” To Gabriel’s surprise, his father laughed. “Of course! Of course it would be. Well, then I suppose it’s decided for us. It will be my coming out party. When is yours, by the way?”

“I guess I’ll throw one the day I meet someone who doesn’t know I’m gay, smartass.” He thought Sam was taking a long time, so he peeked through the window next to the door. And nearly had a heart attack when Sam was doing the same thing from the outside and their noses collided against the glass. “Shit, Sampson, warn a guy before you stick your gigantic face in his face,” he said as he opened the door.

Sam’s smile was wan at best and Gabriel knew then that the guy was in bad shape.

“Uh, Sam, this is…” He gestured toward his father. “I think you know my, uh, dad.”

Sam’s eyebrows flew up in recognition. “Balthazar? Wow, hello. Nice to see you again.”

“Please, it’s Thaz. No one calls me Balthazar anymore except people who don’t like me.”

Gabriel snorted. “Lots of people calling you Balthazar, huh?”

“Show some respect for your father, Gabriel. At least when we have a guest. Sam, you look like shit. Here, have a seat and I’ll get you a drink.” He ushered Sam toward the couch and Gabriel was a little concerned by how easily Sam let himself be led.

“I’d love a drink, too, ‘Thaz’,” Gabriel called to his father when he had gone into the kitchen, mostly to be annoying.

“Well, here, my darling boy, I’ve brought you one,” ‘Thaz’ said when he returned. “This should make up for all those missed birthdays, yes?”

Sam looked scandalized, but Gabriel laughed. Open mocking was the way he and his father had learned to deal with all of their baggage. It was what worked best for both of them. They’d tried the awkward, touchy-feely way and the broody, repressed way and neither got it done for them. So they’d eventually settled on this way and found that it really helped.

“Truly, father, my inner child has been healed by your thoughtfulness.” He sipped his drink. “Ugh. Could you have added more water? I think there’s almost some liquor left in this.”

“Shut up. Now, Sam, what’s troubling you? You’re terribly pale.”

Sam took a sip of the drink, grimacing. He glanced at Thaz first, but then looked at Gabriel when he said, “Jessica’s parents called me to say Merry Christmas.”

“Oh. Shit. Um, hey, dad, could you give us a minute?”

“No, Gabe, it’s fine. Thaz, stay, please. I didn’t mean to barge in on your family Christmas.”

“My dear boy, I don’t mind giving the two of you some privacy, but who may I ask is Jessica?”

“She’s...she was my fiancee. She, uh, she died last year.”

“Oh. Oh, you poor thing. My goodness, that must be so difficult, especially at holidays. Well, here, I will leave the two of you alone to talk. Gabriel, darling, you can come by later, if you want, otherwise, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Gabriel groaned, “Dad, I told you - “

“Look, Gabriel, I told _you_ , it’s time to come out. But now, you take care of your friend. We’ll discuss it later. Goodbye Sam. I hope when we meet again it will be under better circumstances.”

“Thanks, Thaz. Same here.”

Gabriel walked his father out, hugging him at the door without any further argument.  
  
“Love you, Gabriel.”

“You, too, pops.” He smirked as the annoying nickname hit its mark and earned him a scowl before he closed the door.

Sam was hunched over on the couch, head in his hands.

Gabriel cleared the pile of wrapping paper off the floor next to him so he could sit near his tall, hurting friend. He hesitated for a few seconds before placing a hand on Sam's back and stroking him in what Gabriel hoped was a comforting, and not creepy, way.

Gabriel felt like a creep, anyway, since his friend was obviously in real pain and all Gabe could focus on for longer than 3 seconds was how warm and firmly toned the guy's back was. He decided he'd better start talking to give himself a distraction and hopefully find a way to help Sam. Which, he reminded himself angrily, was more important.

"Hey, Sam-O," he said softly. "You want to talk about it?"

Sam shook his head from side to side slowly. Then he looked up, pulling down on his cheeks and lips as he did so and said, "But I probably should, huh?" He huffed. "That's what I've always told Dean. 'Don't bottle up your feelings. You gotta talk about things.' Right now it all feels like bullshit. I don't wanna talk about it. I wanna go back to forgetting."

He scrubbed at his face with his hands again. "And then I feel guilty for not wanting to remember her." He stood and shook his head and pulled his hair back from his face. "God, Gabe. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with her, but she's not fucking here!" He kicked at an errant wad of paper Gabriel had missed. Then the fight seemed to go out of him. "So I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I keep on living with her memory forever? Or do I make myself forget so I can move on?"

Gabriel let out a laugh that he was afraid sounded as close to a sob as it had felt. Everything Gabriel had learned about love he'd learned from a mop-haired dope named Sam Winchester when he was 12 years old and barely into puberty. Later on, when he thought he'd found it elsewhere, he ended up learning more about hate than he had ever wanted to know instead. What could he tell Sam about how to live his life and deal with his loss? But suddenly the right words were coming.

"Sam, sometimes, something happens and you think that's the end of you. It's like daggers in your gut and ice in your veins and most days you can't remember why you should even bother getting out of bed." He shifted in his seat, the echo of bitter emotions flitting across his face.

He half smiled. "Some days you _don't_ bother. Then one day, you're out of bed and drinking your first hit of caffeine before you even remember you're supposed to be sad. Another day, a while after that one, you get to lunch before it hits you. And then it's supper the next time, and eventually it's a whole day before you remember. Then finally, it isn't until someone mentions it or you have the wrong dream that it all comes back to you."

He finally looked at Sam then, with a very sad smile. He hadn’t even noticed that Sam had sat back down while he was talking. "If you choose to live then you don't get a choice about moving on. Eventually it just happens. Even if you try to hold on to the pain - unless you're willing to give up everything else in life to hold on to it? Eventually, you will move on."

Sam turned so he was facing Gabriel now. He wasn’t crying, but his face was miserable. “But how do I know when it’s time to move on?”

Sam’s voice sounded younger. Pitiful, really, and Gabe felt it pull at him. He leaned forward and put a hand on Sam’s knee. “If you’re starting to be able to forget, then you’ve already started. Don’t rush toward it, but don’t run away from it, either. Just take it one day at a time.”

Sam stared at the hand on his knee, watching the lazy movements of Gabriel’s thumb. Gabriel watched Sam watching him and felt dizzy. He supposed he should have expected Sam’s next question, but he hadn’t. And he was unprepared for it.

“What happened to you, Gabe? I had a feeling already that something had, but now it’s pretty obvious. Did you lose someone, too?”

Gabriel laughed with bitter amusement and stared down at the hand that still sat on Sam’s knee. “Yeah, Sam-O. Myself.” He thought of moving the hand, but found he didn’t want to do that yet. He was the one drawing comfort from it now.

He lifted his gaze back up to find that Sam had leaned forward. Their faces were only inches apart and he wanted so much to just close the distance and kiss that perfect mouth one more time. Instead, he leaned back and then stood up, grabbing their glasses.

“You ready for another drink? Coz I sure as hell am.”

He ignored the disappointed look on Sam’s face. He didn’t want to allow the warmth it made him feel to grow. He couldn’t get involved with Sam. He’d lose his heart, and then he’d lose Sam again, and he was sure he wouldn’t survive it this time. He had barely made it through the first time and he hadn’t even known how special what they had was then. He knew now and he couldn’t risk it. He rested his forehead on the refrigerator door and took in a deep, shaky breath.

“Fuck.” He said it quietly, but with feeling. None of this had been in the plan when he decided to come back here. He hadn’t even thought Sam was still living here. He had checked, of course. He couldn’t get involved with Sam as more than a friend. But the longer they were friends, the harder it was, at least whenever Sam was around, for Gabriel to remember _why_ they could only be friends.

He punched the fridge and then winced at the amount of noise it made. Sure enough, Sam called out, “Gabe? Everything ok in there?”

“Sure, Sam-O. Just dropped a thing. I’ll bring those drinks out in one second.” He quickly poured them drinks, this time leaving them full strength.

He walked back to the couch holding the one in his right hand out for Sam. “What happened to your hand, man? You’re bleeding.”

“Huh?” Gabriel looked down at his knuckle and saw it was red and, yes, bloody. “Shit.” Gabriel assumed he must have hit one of the fridge magnets. Maybe the bottle opener. He’d been so distracted by the noise and the reason for the punching that he hadn’t even noticed.

He went back into the kitchen for a wet paper towel and cleaned himself up. The bleeding had already stopped, so he didn’t bother with a band-aid. He walked back to the living room and sat on the couch, slightly further away from Sam than he had been, downing half his drink in one go.

“Hey, look, I didn’t mean to piss you off or upset you or whatever. You don’t have to tell me what happened. I know it’s none of my business…”

Sam obviously misread Gabe’s reactions and that was probably for the best, but Gabriel wasn’t going to let Sam take the blame for his freak out.  “No worries, Sampson. I’m not upset with you. I mean, we’re friends. You’ve got a right to ask about my shit, especially when you’re telling me about yours.” He frowned and looked at his shoes.

“And you’ve got a right to tell me to fuck off if you don’t wanna talk about it.”

Gabe couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. “Fuck off, Samster.” He laughed again. “No, look, I...you’re right. Something shitty happened to me a few years ago. I trusted the wrong person and it didn’t turn out so well for me.” He didn’t let himself think about what had happened. He kept it in the vaguest terms possible. “It’s, uh, it’s why I don’t date, and it’s one of the reasons why I’m not really good at having friends.”

“I’m sorry, Gabriel.” Apparently his gigantor arms were big enough to bridge the distance Gabe had put between them because Gabriel felt a hand squeezing his shoulder. “Whatever it was, you deserved better.”

Something in the way he said it, so matter of factly, pierced straight through Gabe’s defenses. Sam had cut right down to the heart of it. Gabriel had always felt like a broken thing, since before he had ever met Sam Winchester. He was better now than he used to be, but some days Gabriel still wondered if he had somehow earned all the bad things in his life. Sam thought otherwise, and Sam was definitely good, so his assurances made Gabe feel better. Then again, Sam always had made Gabriel feel better.

“Thanks, Sam. That means a lot.” He scratched his arm automatically, not even thinking about it, but Gabe soon realized that Sam noticed even if he hadn’t.

“You don’t do that anymore, do you?”

“Huh?” Sam nodded toward the arm he was still absently rubbing with his fingertips and Gabe looked down. Oh. Of course Sam remembered. “No, Sam. Not in years.” It was the truth, but not the full truth, and he was hoping Sam wouldn’t press him on it.

For a moment, it looked like Sam was going to ask him, but he evidently thought better of it. Instead, Sam asked, “Did you have a good Christmas before I got here?”

“You didn’t ruin Christmas, Sam-O. You’re funny looking, but you’re hardly the Grinch. But yes, it was good. Spent the day with my dad, obviously.” He reached to the table behind him and pulled a card off of it. “And my mom sent me a Christmas card  with an apology in it. Haven’t worked out how I feel about that yet, but I don’t intend to worry about it today, either. How about you? Good holiday at Casa Winchester? Up until the phone call, that is.”

“Yeah, it really was. Mary had no idea what was going on, but she had so much fun with all the paper. I bought her way too much, but I regret nothing. Oh, speaking of gifts, hang on. I almost forgot.”

Before Gabriel could ask what he meant, Sam was walking out the front door. He got up and put the card back on the table, then finished picking up the wrapping paper left over from the gifts he and his dad had exchanged. Like Sam had for Mary, he and his father had bought each other too many things. Not that either one cared. There were a lot of missed holidays to make up for, after all.

He had just stacked the last box next to the tree when Sam came back inside, holding a small wrapped package. Gabriel raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t been expecting anything. He’d gotten Sam a little gift, too, but he’d decided not to give it to him. Guess he didn’t really have a choice now.

“I know we didn’t say we were exchanging gifts, but I got you a little something. It’s no big deal. I just saw it and thought of you, so…” Sam shrugged.

“Well, hey, I got you something, too, actually. It’s not much, either. Just, you know.”

“Yeah? Oh, cool.”

“Um, it’s not wrapped, but let me go get it.”

Gabriel walked back to his bedroom quickly, heart pounding. He had decided not to give the gift to Sam because he didn’t want Sam to read into it. Now he was backed into a corner. Surely it would be ok, since Sam had gotten him something? Gabe had a panicked moment, hand hovering over the bag, worried that his gift would be much more expensive or personal than Sam’s. In the end he told himself to grow a pair and grabbed the bag. He forced himself to walk back to the living room.

Sam held out his gifts. “Here, open mine first. It’s...well, it’s actually 2 things, but one’s not...Shut up, Sam. Open it.” Sam being flustered was not adorable. It wasn’t. And Gabriel was going to keep telling himself that until he believed it.

He took the gift over to the couch and waited for Sam to sit down next to him again. Then he pulled the shiny paper off, less than gently, and set it on the coffee table. He smiled at the larger box, which he saw was some sort of candy featuring weird flavors like maple syrup and bacon. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to know Gabriel had a sweet tooth, but the maple syrup and bacon told Gabriel that Sam remembered breakfasts together as kids and how Gabe had put maple syrup on everything from bacon and eggs to cheesy hash browns with onions. Sam didn’t need to know he sometimes still did that.

He set the larger box on the table and took a look at the smaller box. It had a company name printed all over it, but no indication on what the contents were except a check box next to the cryptic phrase “Arang Gbl Gld”. He opened what appeared to be the top and was greeted with plain white paper. He carefully pulled the contents out of the package and unwrapped a figurine. When he finally had it turned so he could see it properly, he laughed out loud. It was an angel figurine with a gold halo. The bottom had the name “Archangel Gabriel” and a number printed on it. It had an almost eerie resemblance to the man holding it.

“I was walking past and saw a sign that said “Gabriel,” so I stopped and looked and was gonna just keep going, but then I saw that one, and how much it looked like you when you were a kid, and I just had to get it.” Sam was looking at the figurine and smiling.

“I love it, Sam. And the candies. Those are great, too. Thanks.”

“Wow, you must like it. You used my actual name,” Sam teased. “You only do that when you’re serious.”

“Shut up, moptop. Here, open your gift.”

Gabriel handed him the bag with less trepidation than he’d had retrieving it from his room, but he was still a little nervous. He watched Sam’s large fingers draw the narrow box out of the bag. Sam had to peel up the tape that was one either side of the plain white box and he had no nails so it was taking forever and driving Gabe insane. Finally, he got it undone and lifted the small bit of batting off the top. Inside was a very nice ball point pen that had been engraved in gold ink.

Sam read it aloud. “Property of: Sampson Sammy Sam-O...” He paused to laugh. “Samulater Samster Samantha Samsquatch Winchester.”

Gabriel said, “Well, you mentioned the nicknames that one day and then another time you mentioned how people kept stealing your pens…”

Sam grinned. “Thanks, man. No one will want to steal this one. Gimme a hug, you dork. I love it.”

“You and your hugs,” Gabriel grumbled as giant arms enfolded him.

“Dude, you have hugged literally every single person I have seen you with since we met up again.”

“Yeah, well,” Gabriel said, pushing Sam away playfully and hoping his friend hadn’t noticed how his heart had started pounding at the proximity. “Not everyone has crushing gigantor arms that make me feel like an octopus is attacking me.”

“Shut up, people love my hugs.”

“Oh, like they’d tell you differently. They’re afraid you’ll suffocate them with your massive biceps.”

“You’re just jealous because people can actually see my biceps without having to have them pointed out with a magnifying lens.”

“Asshole.”

“Merry Christmas, Gabe.” Sam was grinning.

“Merry Christmas, Sam-O.” Gabriel grinned back.

***

Sam was in a much better mood by the time he got back to Cas and Dean’s. Shortly after he and Gabriel had exchanged gifts, Sam had gotten a text from his brother, asking where he was. It was a good excuse to make his goodbyes before the urge to kiss Gabe got any stronger. Sam supposed that was one of the drawbacks of running to a friend while emotionally vulnerable, if one happened to be attracted to that friend.

It had been worth it, though. Gabriel had definitely helped. Now Sam desperately wanted to know what had happened to the guy. Something had definitely taught him about grief and loss, even more than Jessica’s death had taught Sam. Then again, Sam really didn’t want to know. Because he knew it was bad. And he didn’t think it was the kind of bad that a person forgot easily, even if they were just hearing about it happening to someone else.

He also suspected that Gabriel had cut himself again at some point after their talk on Ellen’s swing that day. Sam believed him when Gabriel said he wasn’t cutting anymore, though.

When he walked inside his brother’s house, he could smell something cooking and he heard sounds from the kitchen, so that’s where he headed. He noticed that the living room was free of clutter once again, though the tree was still in place. He was sure Dean would take it down tomorrow, like he always had.

“Hey, Sam!” Cas said brightly, as he amused Mary with one of her new toys. “We’re playing with Mr. Wiggles and baking cookies, aren’t we, Mary?”

“Well, that sounds fun, Papa Cas! Smells like something is cooking for dinner, too. Where’s Daddy Dean?” The couple had started working on speech in the past couple of weeks and had asked him to use their names whenever he could.

“He went to take a shower while Papa had things under control, so Papa could take a long bath later. Coz Daddy is good to Papa, isn’t he, Mary?”

Sam was grinning at the adorable faces father and daughter were making at each other. Then both men froze when Mary suddenly said, “Pa-ba! Paaa-ba!”

Cas grinned in joyful surprise, but then his face fell and his eyes flew to Sam’s. “Don’t you dare tell him, Sam! He’ll be crushed. Won’t Daddy be crushed, pumpkin face? Yes, Daddy will be heartbroken if his name isn’t first. Mary loves Daddy, doesn’t she?”

Obligingly, Mary cooed, “Daaaaa,” before shoving a fat fist into the growing collection of drool bubbles escaping her lips.

Cas smiled at her with tears in her eyes. “You are just like Daddy, aren’t you? Yes, you are. A slobbering heart-melter who is too good to me. Daddy is gonna be so happy, Mary.”

“What’s Daddy going to be happy about?” Dean asked, clapping Sam on the shoulder as he came back into the kitchen. “Hey, sweetheart! Did you miss Daddy? Huh?” His voice was high and soft as he talked to his little girl. Sam felt like he might have something in his eyes.

When Mary beamed up at him, arms out, and said, “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Sam was sure he was about to cry for the first time in months. The look on Dean’s face was one of the best things he’d ever seen.

“Oh, that’s my baby girl! Can you say Papa now? Huh? Did you have fun with Papa?”

Sam was amazed and pleased when Mary came through again. “Pa-ba!”

“You are so good, Mary!” Dean was so excited, he even tried to get her to say “Sam”, but she’d apparently done enough talking because “Grrrblurglevuhmummmm-DOP!” was the best they could get from her after that.

After a nice dinner, Dean put Mary down for the night and Cas went for his bath. The brothers settled on the couch for a Christmas movie marathon and catch up session.

“So, Mary saying your names, that’s huge, bro,” Sam said when he sat down with his beer and white chocolate covered pretzels.

“Yeah, that was...that was awesome, Sammy.” Dean glanced toward the stairs and lowered his voice. “I’ve been working with her a lot the past couple days, trying to get her to say ‘Papa’ first. I was really hoping she would, but at least she said it right after. I don’t think Cas was too upset being second, do you?”

Sam laughed. “No, man, I don’t think he minded at all.”

They hung out until Cas came back downstairs, then Dean went into the kitchen to finish cleaning up.

“Sam, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you would like to come with us tomorrow, but it slipped my mind.”

“Come with you where? I figured Dean would be taking down the tree.”

“Well, he is, but before that, my brothers are having a get together for the first time in years. They’ve asked us to be there. I know it will be awkward for Dean, given their history, and I thought perhaps with you there as a buffer…”

Sam cleared his throat. “I’d be happy to come, Cas. You don’t think they’ll mind?”

“No, I told them when they asked that you might be with us,” Cas told him, shaking his head.

Sam looked thoughtful for a moment. “Oh, you know what? I think Gabriel might be there, too.”

“Why would Gabriel be there?” Cas gave him a confused frown.

“Oh, right. Wow. That’s gonna be awkward. Shit, no wonder he doesn’t want to go. Is Uriel going to be there?”

If anything, Cas squinted harder at the evasion, but all he said was, “No. Uriel, so far as I know, is in jail.” Cas looked uncomfortable. “I’d rather not go into the details, but let’s just say his violent tendencies never got any better after Andrea took Gabriel and he chased after them.”

Sam frowned. “Well, he won’t be there tomorrow, which is good. Anyway, what time do we leave?”

They all went to bed not long after that, but Sam wasn’t used to the early bedtime. He lay awake a long time, staring at his ceiling. Finally, he picked up his phone and sent Gabriel a text.

**You going to the Angeles gathering tomorrow?**

He didn’t have to wait long for a response.

**> Still haven’t decided. Guess Cas is invited, too?**

**Yep. Dean, too. And me**

There was no response for so long that Sam thought he might not get one, but several minutes later his phone finally lit up again.

**> Well, if there’s friendly faces, I guess maybe I’ll come for a bit. Not sure how Daddy Dearest is gonna make the announcement, but you should bring popcorn and Milk Duds for the show ;/**

Sam laughed at the emoticon.

**Geez, you even smirk in text form! :P**

**> And even in text, you’re trying to lick me ;/**

Sam tapped his fingers on the keys as he tried to come up with a witty response. Heat had touched down in his belly for just a second at the image Gabe’s text had conjured and it made his response time slower than normal.

**You wish, halfpint. Since you probably sweat syrup now, though...**

**> Invite me over next time you have pancakes and I’ll rub them on my chest before you eat them.**

Sam typed **Gross** , but in reality, he was picturing Gabriel standing naked in the kitchen, doing some sort of weird burlesque with a variety of breakfast foods.

**> Oh right, I guess Moose don’t eat pancakes.**

Sam didn’t have a good comeback for that one.  Instead he decided to quit while he was ahead.

**See you tomorrow, tiny jerkwad**

**> Hasty banana, dork**

***

The next day, it turned out to be an ordeal to get Dean to agree to go - and to let Mary go. Apparently, he hadn’t slept well, worrying about it all. Sam certainly couldn’t blame him. The Angeles brothers had not only attacked and beaten Dean when he they found out he was dating Cas, they had nearly cost Cas and Dean their relationship. Sam was pretty sure they had done more things that he didn’t even know about, but those were bad enough.

Still, they were trying now to make amends and Cas wanted to give them this one chance. Sam could see that it was important to the guy, so he helped him talk Dean into going. Even with the two of them it took some doing.

“Dean, if they act like assholes, we leave. It’s that simple. We go, we say hi to Gabriel and Thaz and then, if the rest of them act like dicks, we come home. No harm no foul. Or, maybe they apologize and we end up having a nice time and Cas gets his family to actually be a family for once.”

Dean looked at Sam for a long moment, and then at Cas for a longer moment, before speaking. “That the plan, Cas? If they’re assholes, we don’t stay?”

“Of course, Dean. I don’t want to be around them any more than you do, if they haven’t changed.” He looked pained. “Look, Dean, I know how much you hate them. I hated them, too. I’m only doing this because I’d like Mary to have a chance at being loved by more than just the 3 of us. I’d like her to have more family growing up than we had.”

He held up a hand and stopped Dean’s interruption. “I know. The family we made, with just the 3 of us, is the _best_ \- or it was, until Mary came and now the 4 of us is the best. But before I had you and Sam, I was lonely. Once my mom died, I may as well have been an only child and I was miserable. I don’t know if Mary is going to get siblings, either. So if she can have cousins and aunts and uncles...I want her to have that. If she can’t, so be it. She’ll make it and that’ll be ok. But I want to give her the chance, at least.”

Dean gathered Cas in for a hug. “All right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I agreed to go already. I just panicked. If it’s bad, we leave. If it’s not, you’re right. Maybe Mary gets a bigger family than we got. Maybe she doesn’t have the lonely childhood like the ones we had.” He kissed the top of Cas’ head then pulled out of the hug, hands on either side of his husband’s face. “I love you, you know.”

Cas smiled at him warmly. “I know. I kinda love you, too.”

A few minutes later they were all packed into the car and headed to the Angeles house, the same one in which Cas had grown up. Apparently, Michael had moved out and now Zachariah lived there, but it remained in the family. On the ride, no one said much, but Mary cooed happily from her car seat, occasionally punctuating her murmurings with a loud “Daaaaaaaaa!” Or “Paaa-ba!” which never failed to make the adults smile.

Then they were there and Dean was almost panicking again. The last time he’d been at this house, things had gone very badly for him. He wanted to hold Mary for comfort, but Cas gently persuaded him that the one holding the baby would be in the closest physical contact with the rest, since they would no doubt ooh and ahh over her at close range. Once that was established, Dean was totally on board with Cas carrying the baby.

It helped Dean relax when Thaz was the one to open the door. He was the only Angeles brother that Dean and Cas had had any contact with since Dean’s senior year in high school. As far as Sam could tell, aside from Cas, Thaz had been the only decent Angeles brother in the bunch. Dean had often said that apparently those two and Anna took after their mother and the rest after dear old dad.

Thaz didn’t give them time to think or himself time to take a breath. He was a whirlwind that ushered them from door to entryway to living room with nonstop chatter and hugging. “Hello, Castiel, so good to see you! Let’s have a hug. Dean, always a pleasure - and don’t think you’re getting out of a hug, either. There we are.” Then he caught sight of the baby, as if just noticing her.

“Oh and my goodness! Look how much this beautiful girl has grown! Hello, little Mary! You look just like your Papa when he was your age, yes you do, you precious thing. And Sam! I didn’t expect you, how wonderful. You’re feeling better? Good, a hug then, excellent. Gabriel is around here somewhere.” He leaned toward Sam conspiratorially and whispered, “Haven’t made the announcement yet - I’m pretty sure they think he’s my lover.” His wicked grin showed how much the idea amused him.

There were greetings and introductions, but Thaz was quite obviously anxiously hurrying all of it along. He could barely stand still. Every time Cas _et al_ reached one brother’s family group to say hello, Thaz was rushing them to the next. They made it around the room in record time.

Sam had a feeling he knew why, but he just went with it, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Cas was a little more outspoken about being whipped through the crowd, but Thaz just told him he would see soon enough. Dean was so uncomfortable that he seemed to like not having to spend more than 2 seconds per brother and Sam couldn’t say he blamed him. Finally, they had reached the last brother and Thaz immediately walked back to the head of the room and took the stage.

“Everyone! Now that we’re all here, you’ll have time for apologizing,” he looked at each of his brothers pointedly. “And for getting reacquainted later. I know you all had your reasons for throwing this bizarre first-time-in-a-decade family get together, but look, while you’re all here, there is something I need to say. Now, Gabriel?”

He looked around the room, not spotting his son at first, given his lack of height compared to most everyone else. “Where is Gabriel? There you are, my darling, come up here now. Come on, don’t dally. All right, here, take my hand. No, take it. Stop fighting me, Gabriel, for heaven’s sa- there now, you see? That’s not so bad, is it?” Thaz scowled at whatever Gabriel said in response, but no one else heard.

“All right, everyone, you’re probably wondering why I brought your former step-nephew to this family gathering.” There were a few nods and shrugs, but no one said anything. “Well, he’s here because Gabriel is my son.” Sam realized Gabe had been right and he almost wished he _had_ brought popcorn.

After a moment of stunned silence, there were lots of exclamations and questions and Thaz held up a hand. “I don’t know if any of you remember, but I dated Gabriel’s mother Andrea for a couple of years before I left for Britain. I left for Britain because our dear incarcerated brother Uriel - who was also in love with Andrea - stole a letter Andrea sent to me and lied to me about its contents. That letter informed me that she was pregnant and that I was the father. However, Uriel’s version, which I am sad to say I believed, was that she had slept with someone else and the child was his.”

“How did you even find out the truth?” This was from Cas.

“Well, you see, prison has had rather a taming effect on our brother. Uri sent me a letter from the penitentiary, confessing to what he had done. It was then that I made arrangements to move back here. I contacted Gabriel and we’ve been in contact ever since.” He let go of his son’s hand then and hugged him with one arm instead, planting a kiss on his hair.

Everyone wanted to crowd around Gabe and talk about the news. Since Sam’s little family group was in closest proximity to him, though, they got first dibs on talking to Gabriel after the bombshell was dropped.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Cas asked as he too pulled Gabriel in for a hug.

“I’m afraid that’s my fault, brother. I asked him to keep quiet about it until we had time to get to know one another and decide whether we wanted to be in each other’s lives permanently. Then it just sort of became habit to keep it a secret.”

“I guess this means you’re really my nephew, after all,” Cas told Gabe, smiling. “Welcome back to the family.”

“Guess that makes you my uncle, too, Dean-O!” Gabriel responded with a smirk. Dean clapped him on the shoulder, grinning.

“Does that mean I should start calling you squirt and buying you ugly sweaters?” Dean teased.

“Uh, tempting as that sounds, how about we skip that and you be the uncle who bakes me pies?” Sam could tell Dean was touched that Gabriel remembered, regardless of the eyebrow dance that had come with the words.

“It’s a deal,” Dean said happily.

“If Dean’s your uncle, what does that make me?” Sam asked.

“Trouble,” was Gabe’s reply.

“Well, isn’t that pot calling the kettle, eh?” Thaz retorted. “All right, I’ve monopolized everyone long enough, you lot had better mingle. Don’t go far, though, you’re the only ones here that I like. Dean, you look like you could use a drink.”

Thaz grabbed Dean by the arm and led him to the bar across the room. Mary had stolen the focus back from Gabriel’s return to the family, so she and Cas were swept into a sea of people, leaving Gabe and Sam alone.

“So, uh, thanks for yesterday, man.”  
  
“Aw, tweren’t nothin’, Samalam.” Sam rolled his eyes at the smirk on Gabe’s face. He didn’t expect the next statement. “You know, after you left, I remembered it was Christmas when I left SouthPoint. I’d kinda forgotten.”

“Yeah, I remembered. Didn’t know if I should mention it. I mean, that’s probably dumb, it’s been 9 years, I just…”

“No, no, I get it, Sam-O. It wasn’t a great time for either of us, I guess. And you’d just gotten back into a better mood the other day, so no need to bring it up, right?”

Sam nodded. He wanted to tell Gabriel how it had all but ruined Christmas for him for a while, but he held it in. Before either of them could say anything, Anna came up to welcome Gabriel back into the family. Sam smiled politely and stepped away, lost in his own thoughts.

It had been the best and worst Christmas of his childhood, the year Gabe left. Best because he’d gotten to spend the weekend before it with Gabe and exchange gifts and to have a real goodbye. Worst because on Christmas Day, Gabe was gone, his Dad had started drinking again, and Dean was recovering from having had the shit kicked out of him by some of the people in this room.

His eyes swept the room, in search of his brother. He finally saw him across the room, back stiff and posture aggressive as Zach approached him, with Raphe on his heels. The two men spoke to him, one after the other, and Sam saw his shoulders relax more and more as they talked. He couldn’t see their faces, but from the look on Dean’s and how his stance had changed, Sam assumed they were saying the right things. The knot of tension, which had coiled in his stomach when he remembered the _last_ Christmas Dean had seen the Angeles brothers, eased at the sight.

Maybe this could be a Christmas for new beginnings. Looking at Gabe a few feet away, he really hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me things! Pretty please? ♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we find out why Gabriel keeps aspirin on him all the time and a line is almost crossed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who were waiting for this yesterday, my apologies!! Had to go out of town unexpectedly last night and didn't get in until way too late to think about posting. 
> 
> Hope the chapter below is worth the wait (which I totally did not spell "weight" the first time due to fatigue)!
> 
> Next one will be up in a couple of days.

As soon as Gabriel got off work, his excitement about seeing Sam that night ratcheted up a few notches. Gabe hadn’t mentioned to Sam how he had refused to celebrate Christmas for two years because it reminded him too much of leaving SouthPoint and Sam behind. After Sam had left his house on Christmas, Gabriel had thought about it and realized just how happy he was to have had another Christmas with his old friend. That happiness was a feeling he couldn’t afford to nurture - but he couldn’t help the excitement, anyway.

He was in the kitchen, just about to head to the bedroom to start getting ready when the migraine hit. The pain slammed into him before any other warning signs and that was never good. The pain wasn’t too bad, not yet, but he could already tell that the aspirin wasn’t going to knock it out this time. He fumbled in his pocket for his phone and dialled Sam. It went straight to voicemail.

“Sam, I hope you get this before you head out. Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t go out tonight. Don’t feel well. Gotta take a raincheck. I’ll call you tomorrow, ok?” He knew he sounded stilted and weird, but he couldn’t take time to care. The pain was really taking hold now and it wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. Gabe grabbed his super-strength migraine pills from the cabinet by the fridge and popped two of them, hoping that this would be one of the times they worked.

There were stabbing spikes of agony behind his eyes now and he knew he had to get to some place dark. He headed out toward the bedroom, but the nausea rolled in and threatened to overtake him. He hit the remote for the living room lamps and collapsed on the couch, face first. He felt like bombs were going off inside his head. There were lights flashing and so much pounding. His stomach churned mutinously, but didn’t go as far as outright rebellion.

He didn’t know if he would sleep - sometimes he managed, but more often than not he just drifted in a sort of pain haze until the pills finally kicked in or the migraine ran its course. He hoped the pills would work tonight because he had a meeting with a potential buyer in the morning that he couldn’t afford to miss. The business was doing well now, but if he didn’t plan for the future, he knew everything could go belly up in a heartbeat.

After a little time had gone by - Gabriel had no idea how much - the pills were lessening the nausea and the flashing lights. The pain, on the other hand, had grown until it was a living thing gnawing at the insides of his skull. He had constant daggers through his eyes and a bass drum pounded where his head met his neck. He lay there on the couch, floating in his haze. Time passed, but he was unaware of it. He had reached the point where everything was misery and he was aware of little else.

When the noise started, he was so far gone, he didn’t know at first what it was. All he knew was that he wanted it to stop. It went away, but then it came back again. Finally, his mind cleared enough to realize it was someone knocking at the door.

* * *

 

Sam was excited to see Gabriel, but otherwise, he had nothing to occupy his day and he was restless and bored. Dean had had to go into work, even though he was supposed to be off, and Mary had a monthly check-up in Kansas City, so Cas would be gone for several hours. In the end, Sam opted to see a matinee of a movie some people at school had been looking forward to. It wasn’t the best, but it kept him entertained and by the time it was over, he was more relaxed and it was nearly time to pick up Gabriel.

He was excited, but a little anxious, too. He still didn’t know quite what was happening between them. Gabriel still seemed adamant that they could not be more than friends, and that was…well, not fine, but Sam could deal with it. Sometimes, though, he could tell that Gabriel seemed to long for more and Sam didn’t understand why he wouldn’t let himself have it. Maybe he was afraid Sam would reject him? He wouldn’t, of course, but since Gabriel was so set against having more than friendship, Sam hadn’t exactly advertised the fact.

Ever since Christmas, Sam had slowly come to realize that he was getting over Jessica. He was sure that very soon, he would be ready to date. He was drawn to Gabriel - as he always had been - but he couldn’t let himself give in to that. Gabe had been quite clear - he didn’t date. He had also made it clear that he was attracted to Sam, though, and Sam thought he himself could be happy as friends with benefits - but that was out of the question, too, apparently.

When he got to Gabriel’s, his car was out front, but the house was dark. Sam thought that was odd, but maybe Gabe was electricity conscious and was just in a part of the house Sam couldn’t see. Sam wondered if he might be early, but when he checked the time on his phone, he realized it was still off from the movie.

He knocked on the door, but there was no response after a full minute. He tried again, thinking maybe Gabe just couldn’t hear it where he was. Instead of knocking a third time, he pulled out his phone and turned it on, deciding a phone call might be a better idea. When the phone finally booted up, he started to head to contacts, but then a notification popped up, informing him he had a new voicemail. He pressed the button and listened.

Gabriel sounded off. For a second Sam wondered if the not feeling well was a cover for just not wanting to see him, but something in Gabriel’s voice in the last few words indicated otherwise. He hung up and started to walk down the path back to his car, intending to call Gabe to check on him in the morning. Then he heard the snick of the latch behind him and heard Gabe’s weak, “Sam?”

Sam turned and what he could see of Gabriel from the wash of a nearby streetlight did not ease his mind. Gabriel looked haggard, dark smudges under both eyes. Sam wasn’t sure if his skin was as pale as it looked or if it was merely a trick of the light, but he’d be willing to bet his friend really _was_ that pale.

“Gabe, are you all right? You look awful. I’m sorry, I didn't get your message until after I knocked.”

“Migraine,” Gabe said and then nearly fell from where he was propped against the door.

Sam rushed forward and helped him into the house and onto the couch. He went back and gently shut the door, as quietly as he could. He knew enough about migraines to know they were nasty business. He didn’t say anything else, but he slid onto the couch and gingerly lifted Gabriel’s head onto his lap. He knew for sure that his friend was in bad shape when he didn’t make an attempt at a lewd joke or even a weak chuckle.

Without a word, Sam started massaging Gabe’s scalp in slow circles with his fingertips.  One of his previous girlfriends used to get bad headaches. For her, head massages always worked better than anything else, so he had honed his technique during the weeks they had dated. He was happy to know that something about Ruby turned out to be useful in the end.

As he continued massaging, he slowly increased the pressure of his fingers. He had been surprised by how hard Ruby had wanted his fingers to dig into her scalp. Then, during the one headache he had had while they were together, she had shown him exactly how important firm pressure was to headache pain relief.

He waited for any kind of protest from Gabe, but it didn’t come. Instead he made occasional whimpering noises and also noises that let Sam know when he was hitting - and easing - a particularly painful spot. It probably took 20 minutes, but Gabriel’s breath began to slow and even out. Another few minutes and he was snoring softly. Once he was asleep, Sam stopped rubbing at deep tissue intensity and instead stroked his fingers through the other man’s soft sandy curls.

Once he was sure Gabriel was asleep, Sam deftly crawled out from underneath him, leaving a throw pillow where his leg had been. Now that his eyes had adjusted to the dark, he could see what looked like a throw on the back of a nearby chair. Upon further investigation, he was correct, so he unfolded it and laid it gently over the sleeping man.

When he looked down at Gabriel lying there, appearing so young and vulnerable, he looked very much like the boy Sam had known. So much so that Sam couldn’t help himself. He knelt down and bent forward, planting a soft kiss on Gabriel’s temple. He brushed the backs of his fingers against Gabe’s cheek and the sleeping man smiled slightly and turned his face into the touch. Sam felt something tug inside him and he knew it was time to go.

As he let himself out the front door, he realized that, if he wanted to protect himself, he had to pull back from his friendship. Gabriel had stated his intentions and they did not include any kind of non-platonic relationship. Sam’s emotions, however, had obviously not received the memo.

So maybe, Sam reflected, it would be better not to see Gabriel again before he went back to California. That meant it might be months before he could, but the very fact that the idea made him anxious and sad just proved to him that it was what he needed to do. He drove home in a much more somber mood than he had been in driving to Gabriel’s.

He had been back home for a couple of hours and was sitting on the couch watching a movie with Dean when his phone dinged, signalling text messages. He rolled his eyes at Dean’s look of irritation. Then his brother muttered about how he wished Sam’s “boyfriend could have waited 2 minutes for the movie to be over,” and Sam felt a pang. He didn’t read the text or respond to it until the movie was finished. Partly because he wanted to appease Dean and partly because he realized needed to talk to Dean when the movie was done.

As the credits rolled, Sam said, “Look, Dean, I know you’re only kidding, but I’d appreciate it if you eased up on the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing. It’s gotten pretty old.”

Dean frowned and looked at his younger brother thoughtfully. “What’s wrong, Sammy?” He tilted his head in a way that showed he and Cas had been together a long time. “It’s not like you to be this serious about me teasing you.”

Sam sighed and pushed his hair off his face. Leave it to Dean to know that something other than irritation was fueling Sam’s request to end the teasing. “Gabe and me...there’s something there, Dean.” He smiled and shook his head. “But he doesn’t want there to be. And, you know, with me still getting over Jessica, I was cool with not getting into anything, but...he doesn’t want it at all. Like, ever. So calling him my boyfriend...it just kinda hits a sore spot, ok?”

“Man. Sorry, bro. That sucks. Do you think maybe he just needs time? I mean, you said something messed him up pretty bad. Maybe he just needs time to realize you aren’t going anywhere.” Then Dean scratched his scruffy cheek thoughtfully. “Then again, you are going back to California. So maybe that’s part of his issue. Maybe he doesn’t want to start anything, knowing you aren’t here all the time.”

“Maybe,” Sam said, unconvinced. “I dunno, though, he said he doesn’t date. Like, period.”

“Huh. I don’t know what to tell you then, Sam. I always liked Gabe. You two were good together. You still are. I guess I was teasing you coz I was hoping you would get together again. I’m sorry that’s not the case.” He patted Sam on the shoulder as he got up to take his glass to the kitchen. “I still say give it time, though. He obviously likes you and I think that’ll eventually win out over whatever his fear is.” He yawned expansively. “Man, having a baby is exhausting.”

Sam could have smacked himself for not realizing before how tired his brother and Cas looked. “Hey, man, I should have offered before, but if you guys want me to babysit so you can have a night to yourselves, just say the word, ok?”

Dean’s face lit up with gratitude. “Seriously? Dude, that would be awesome! Like, tomorrow? Is that too soon?”

“Uh, yeah, tomorrow is fine, man,” Sam said, feeling even guiltier when he heard his brother’s enthusiasm.

“Sam, you are the best! I’m gonna go tell Cas!” Dean practically ran up the stairs.

Sam was still laughing when he turned his phone over and checked the messages.

**> You just can’t keep your hands off me, can you? Any old excuse…**

**> Really though. Thanks, man. They get bad sometimes. Normally I’d still be hurting right now.**

Sam thought he must have really helped, for Gabriel to get serious about it. The first text made him smile, anyway. It would have been funnier if it wasn’t true, of course… Sam took a minute to come up with a response. When he did, he was laughing to himself.

**What can I say, I’m one of those guys with a little people fetish. Glad you’re feeling better.**

He only had to wait seconds for a reply, but before he could read it, Cas was downstairs and folding him into a tight bear hug. He had a face full of dark hair and he was pretty sure one of his ribs actually made a sound, but Sam just hugged back without complaint. He really should have offered sooner. Of course, he supposed they could have asked, but they just generally didn’t do that.

“Thank you, Sam.” Those blue eyes were boring gratitude into him.

“Hey, man, no problem. Sorry I didn’t think of it earlier.”

After another long, breath-taking hug, Cas went back upstairs and Sam finally checked his phone.

**> Next time you wanna rub my head, you gotta buy me dinner first ;/**

* * *

 

When Gabe woke up, he was disoriented. There was very little light in the room and if he hadn't finally noticed the tiny clock readout on the blu-ray player across the room, he might have started to panic. Instead, the night's events came back to him.

The first thing he noticed, once he realized where he was, was the distinct lack of pain in his head. Ordinarily, he would have some residual pain, or nausea, or both. Tonight he had neither - and he knew he had that big stupid Winchester to thank for it.

"Shit," he told the dark.

He had barely had an awareness of anything besides the pain when Sam had helped him to the couch. Because of this, it barely registered when the guy had slid Gabriel's head onto his sizable lap. He hadn't even noticed, at first, when Sam's fingers had started massaging his scalp.

Once Sam had been at it a few minutes, though, and once he had increased the pressure of his fingers, Gabe had slowly become aware of the bigger man. He had started feeling the effects of the fingers first, and then, as they had worked their magic, of the broad thighs his head was lying across.

Some dim part of him had protested that this was too intimate. That only a mother - or a lover - would take such a liberty. But the unspeakable pain Gabriel was in silenced the voice of protest. "Special circumstances," the pain had said. "Exception granted."

The fact that, as the pain gradually lessened under Sam's ministrations, Gabriel was able to smell Sam - his cologne, his soap, his detergent and everything else that combined for that unique Sam Winchester smell - only made the protesting voice speak louder. "Too close," it said. "You're better now, so pull away."

He had almost done so. But a flare up of pain when he shifted had changed his mind. The protesting voice gave up the ghost. Gabe gave himself over to the healing hands. Before long, he had felt himself drifting off to sleep.

As Gabriel lay there now, pain free and lost in thought, he suddenly came back to the present. He sat up on the couch and stared at the nothing he could see. There hadn't been any nightmares.

Because of Sam, he had woken up pain free, both physically and mentally. If only his emotions had escaped as well. But of course, how could they?

Sam, with his kindness, had knocked another dent in Gabe's armor. The behemoth had not even hesitated when he saw Gabriel was hurting. With no regard to his own feelings - and despite his outward denial of the signs, Gabe knew Sam had feelings that did not fit neatly into the slot marked "friendship" - Sam had offered comfort when Gabriel was in need.

"You are such a jackass, Sam Winchester," Gabe whispered to the dark. "Why couldn't you have stayed out of my store? Or at least have turned into an asshole sometime in the last 9 years."

Gabriel acknowledged he was either talking to himself or praying to his friend. Either way, weirdo behavior, even for his normally loose standards of normalcy.

He realized that he should probably speak to Sam for real. The guy deserved a thank you at least. He searched for his phone before he remembered leaving it in the kitchen. He groaned and got up, stiff from his nap on the couch.

He wrote and discarded a dozen messages with varying degrees of sincerity. In the end, he opted to open with sarcasm and follow up with gratitude.

Sam's reply about having a little people fetish had Gabe's bark of laughter echoing in the quiet house. He followed it up with a flirtation that he knew was edging close to the line of appropriate.

He waited impatiently for several minutes before he got a text back  He did not expect, and was not prepared for, Sam's reply.

**> I'm babysitting tomorrow night **

**> But I'm free for dinner the night after that **

Gabriel was, for once, at a genuine loss for words. He was pretty sure Sam was not joking. Sam hadn't pushed the no dating and no sex issue before, but it seems he had decided to start.

The worst of it was, Gabe wanted more than anything to just say "Yes, Sam-O, I'll pick you up and we'll have dinner and maybe really amazing sex." But he couldn't.

Sam made it so much harder to remember why not.

Gabriel stared at his phone for a long time, but he couldn't type out a response. He wanted to say yes  too badly to just say no - or maybe pretend he thought Sam had been kidding. He needed to say no too badly to just say yes.

In the end, he said nothing and went to bed feeling like a shitheel - then he laid awake for an hour, trying not to think about what sex with Sam might be like. Sam wore a lot of layers, but usually by the end of their encounters, he had pared it down to just a tshirt. And invariably, those t-shirts were stretched pretty taut over his chest and arms, showing the muscles underneath.

Gabriel didn't have to stretch his imagination to know what that body would look like without clothes. They had always had chemistry, too, which didn't help matters. But most distracting of all, even though he'd been in pain when he felt them, was that now he could easily remember the touch of those fingers. That made it so much easier to imagine what they might feel like on other parts of him. On all the parts of him.

* * *

 

Despite the fact that his meeting had gone well, Gabe was in a foul mood by the time lunch rolled around. He couldn't keep Sam off his mind, no matter how hard he tried. It was like trying to keep the guy at a distance was actually just amplifying all the feelings he had and making it worse. Especially the sexual feelings.

By the time he'd finished his second dessert - which he ate in lieu of a first lunch - he still wasn't feeling better. He snatched his phone off the table angrily and navigated to the texts from last night. He sat there for a couple of minutes, just staring at Sam's text and not knowing what to say.

He considered making a joke again. But that wasn't what he wanted. He thought maybe there were only two ways to deal with the situation that was brewing. He could stop being friends with Sam and end the sexual tension that way...or he could have sex with Sam and hopefully maintain the friendship afterward. He really, really wanted to try the latter.

For one thing, he really needed a friend. Having someone to turn to and spill all his anxiety and whatever familial horseshit he had going on, that had really improved his life. He wasn't willing to just give all that up. On the other hand, he couldn't keep wondering what Sam would be like writhing underneath him, every time they were alone together. That wasn't exactly healthy for their friendship. Maybe if he scratched the itch, it would go away.

But if they were to step over that line from friend to lover, Gabriel knew he had to be upfront about the boundaries. Sam had to know going in that sex was all it was or could be. It wouldn't be an ongoing thing, it wouldn't be talked about over coffee the next day, and it wouldn't translate into dating. It would just be a one time stress reliever. He couldn't believe he was even considering this. He decided he'd better see exactly what Sam was offering before he got himself too worked up over it.

**What exactly are you asking for, Sam?**

* * *

 

Sam wasn’t really surprised that Gabe hadn’t responded, but he was disappointed. He had gone against his earlier decision to back off of their contact because he had hoped Dean might be right. Maybe Gabe really did just need time. So when Gabe opened the door with his joke, Sam had walked right through it.

He was regretting the decision now. He’d been too tired to worry too much last night, but ever since he’d woken up this morning, he’d been second guessing himself. What if he’d screwed up his friendship with Gabriel completely? Sure, he’d been planning to step back from it originally, but he hadn’t wanted to _end_ it. What if Gabriel decided that he had to end things because Sam wouldn’t stop pushing for more?

He’d sat through breakfast with a Cas and Dean who were blissed out on domesticity, fatherhood, and the potent lure of the responsibility-free night ahead of them. He loved seeing them so happy. They had more than earned it, the both of them. Yet, it hurt him, too. He felt like a broken record, crying to himself that ”he had wanted this with Jessica, but Jessica was gone.” Then he felt guilty. It was a stupid cycle.

Dean and Cas both hugged him after breakfast and if he squeezed back a little harder than usual, neither seemed to notice. Maybe that’s because they were squeezing pretty hard themselves, out of gratitude. He wanted to tell them not to be so grateful. After everything they had done for him, this was the least he could do in return. But they were too happy for him to want to remind them of harder times, so he just smiled and said you’re welcome...over and over again.

He hadn’t made any plans for the day and he was feeling restless. He couldn’t keep his mind off Gabriel when there was nothing to distract him. He also had his own gratitude still on his mind. So when Dean and Cas were discussing lunch, his response seemed like a no brainer.

“Dean, what do you want to do about lunch?” Castiel asked as he put Mary in her high chair with a toy. “I thought maybe we could go out, so you don’t have to cook?”

Dean smiled affectionately. “Aw, Cas, you know I like to cook. I don’t mind.”

“I know, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to try that new place? It’s upscale, but they’ve got some sort of bison burger that I heard was phenomenal.”

Dean’s eyes widened with excitement for a minute, but then his expression went back to neutral. “Nah, if it’s upscale, I don’t really want to bring Mary. She’ll probably get fussy while we’re eating and it’ll just be a hassle. Maybe we can go there tonight, instead.”

Cas looked disappointed. “At night, you have to have a reservation and they are booked up for weeks.” He shrugged and tried to look like he didn’t care. “It’s ok. We’ll go another time.”

Sam saw right through Cas’ casual face, though. “No, look, guys. Go have lunch. Leave Mary with me and take the whole day. Tonight, too.”

Cas’ eyes turned into saucers. “What? No, Sam, we couldn’t. I mean, you already offered tonight, that’s more than generous. We couldn't ask you.”

Evidently, Dean was in a mood to accept help. Or maybe he just really wanted a burger. “We didn’t ask, Cas, he offered. I say we take him up on it. You sure, Sammy?” He was asking, but his eyes were pleading. Then Sam understood. He didn’t just want this for himself, that’s why he was willing to ask for it. He wanted it for Cas, to make Cas happy.

Sam smiled, filled with brotherly love for the two men standing near him. “I am absolutely sure, Dean. Go get dressed, Cas. Dean can show me how to operate this kid of yours while you’re gone.”

Less than half an hour later, they were gone and Sam was ankle deep in babysitting. Cas had insisted on feeding her before they went, and Sam had not objected. But now he sat with Mary on the living room floor, playing with puppets. He didn’t try to tell a story because she kept trying to steal the sock people off his hands. Instead, he just hid them behind things and popped them out at her. He reveled in every look of gleeful surprise that crossed her face.

When he first got the text, he ignored it. He was having too much fun with his niece to worry about what anyone else wanted to say. The longer he sat there, though, the more doubts niggled at him, telling him it might be Dean or Cas, that it might be important. So he left her with one of the puppets - the one without removable eyes, so she couldn’t swallow a button - and got up to check his phone.

When he saw Gabriel’s text, he didn’t know what to think, let alone say. It was as if all the emotions that had been swirling around inside him all morning had gone silent. He felt numb and disconnected. He decided maybe his initial decision had been the right one. At the very least, he needed to stop this going any further so he could salvage the friendship, if he could. He sent a response and slid his phone in his pocket before walking back over to Mary and sitting down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with the story this far!  
> Talk to me :)  
> ♥


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabe have dinner, but it's not quite for the reason either of them had planned. A trip down memory lane, too little to eat and alcohol-weakened walls for Gabe lead to Sam making poor decisions. He gets what he wants, but at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is full of angst and Angeles feels. My poor little Sabbys...
> 
> Art commissioned from netherwings on tumblr.
> 
>  
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Discussion of past cutting/self-harm, excessive use of alcohol, dubcon kissing, allusions to PTSD**

Gabriel anxiously tapped his fingers on the table, waiting to see if Sam would write back. He might not. Gabe knew he needed to get back out to the store, in case someone walked in, but he could see the security feed and the store was empty at the moment. So instead, he sat in the break room, tense and impatient.

When Sam’s response finally came, Gabe was so keyed up that the noise startled him and made him drop the phone. His heart was pounding before he even tapped the screen to see what it said.

**> Nothing. I was tired. Let’s forget it.**

“Shit,” Gabe whispered in the empty room. Of course Sam had changed his mind. Why wouldn’t he? It’s not like Gabriel had given him any reason to think his text had been well received. It had been over 12 hours since he’d sent it. He was probably panicking that Gabe was pissed off. Naturally, now that sex with Sam was no longer on the table, Gabriel realized just how much he had wanted it.

He grabbed his phone and walked back out to the counter. A couple of people had come in since the last time he’d checked the monitor. There was a steady stream of people coming in over the next half hour, including a pair of teenage girls that he was reasonably certain were a couple. They were older than he and Sam had been, but they still made him think of how Sam’s kisses used to light him up inside.

Before he knew what he was doing, he picked up his phone and hastily tapped out a reply.

**What if I don’t want to forget?**

He typed in the whole message, but didn’t get to hit send before one of the customers was ready to check out. As often happened, one person checking out had a domino effect. One customer paying led to all of them coming up to the counter to stand in a line that hadn’t been there moments before. The text was in the back of his mind,  but he kept his patience.

Then he saw the first name on one of the credit cards and he remembered all the reasons why he couldn’t hit send. He managed to keep a smile on his face until they had left, but it wasn’t easy. Once they had all gone, he picked his phone up again and erased what he had written. His hands were unsteady on the phone and he hated himself for that.

He typed out a new message, this one so much harder than the first. He erased it, too. It was too much for a text, too hard to explain. His heart was a jackhammer, but he dialed Sam’s number.

“Gabe? Look, I hope you’re not mad - “

Gabe interrupted, his words coming out in a rush. “No, don’t worry about that. Listen, I know you’ve got the kiddo tonight, but is there any chance I could come over after the store closes? Talk to you? I could really use a friend. Being alone is not...it isn’t a great idea tonight.”

“Yeah, man, whatever you need. Are you all right? Look, if it’s bad, close the store now and come over. Cas and Dean are already gone, so it’s just me and Mary.”

“Thanks, Sam, but I’ll be ok till closing, I just...night time is the worst.” His voice was shaky, but he couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

“Ok, if you’re sure. You change your mind, though, just come on over, don’t even call first.”

“Thanks, man. Really.”

Gabriel hung up, not really knowing if being with Sam was a good idea or not. All he knew was his father was at a conference, his therapist was taking her first vacation in 3 years, and he could not be alone tonight. Besides them, he literally had no one else he could call.

Getting through until closing time proved harder than he'd expected. When a lull hit and he had no customers for nearly 45 minutes, he finally decided to take Sam up on his offer to come earlier. He knew he would lose money, since more people would come later, but at the moment he had no fucks to give. He put a sign on the door saying "Family Emergency" and closed the place down.

He went straight to Cas and Dean's place from there. He considered dropping by a liquor store to grab some liquid courage, or going home to have a shower, but he discarded both ideas for the same reason. Once he stopped by home, he wouldn't want to leave the comfort and safety - and his misery would then trap him.

Sam didn't say anything when he opened the door. He just stepped back with a concerned look on his face. He closed the door behind them and walked back to the kitchen.

"Hey, Mary! Your cousin Gabe is here!" Gabriel heard Sam enthuse to the baby as he entered the kitchen ahead of him. "Can you say Gabe?"

Instead, Mary made a wet "glllvvvvvvvp!" sound with her tongue stuck between her lips. Gabe laughed and Mary laughed back.

"You made Gabe laugh, you sweet girl! Yes, you did! You made Gabe laugh!" Sam was smiling and getting into her face to make her smile more. "I think cousin Gabe likes you, Mary. Huh? What do you think? Does Gabe like Mary? Does Mary like Gabe?"

Mary reached chubby arms out toward her cousin, but Gabe made no move toward her. He wasn't sure it was the best time for baby bonding.

"Aw, look, Gabe! Mary wants to play with something her own size!" Sam didn't look at Gabe as he said it, but there was a smirk on his face. "Come on, Gabe, don't leave the poor girl hanging!"

Mary gestured with her arms this time and strained out of her seat. Gabriel couldn't in good conscience deny her. So, against his better judgment, he reached down and picked her up.

"Ok, sweet girl, cousin Gabe's got you. Now what's Gabe supposed to do with you, huh? Why did you want Gabe?" He took one of her fingers while he talked and wiggled it back and forth. She chortled.

"Mary likes Gabe, don't you, Mary?" Sam said, patting her gently on the back. "Gabe, if you don't mind holding her for a minute, I can get her dinner ready."

Gabe obliged, talking to her in the same repetitive sing-song he and Sam had been using. After a few minutes, he told her, "You know what, you little midget? Cousin Gabe _does_ like you. You're a sweetheart and Gabe likes you."

Mary chortled again and slapped him in the face shouting, "Daaaay! Day day day!" at the top of her lungs.

Gabe turned shocked and wondering eyes to a smiling Sam. "Is she saying my name?"

"Let's see. Mary, can you say Gabe?"

"Day!" This time she pulled his hair.

"I'll be damned. The little monster likes me." Gabe used sarcasm to fight off the emotions he felt rising up. He wasn't a big baby person, but he liked Mary. And having such a sweet, wonderful being take to him was...well, Gabriel hadn't felt anything like it for a long, long time.  He played with her and jostled her around until Sam had her food ready.

“You mind putting her in the high chair?” Gabriel was a little sad to have to put Mary down, but he did as requested. “You can sit with me while I feed her or you’re welcome to go watch tv or something. Up to you.”

“I’ll stay, I think.”

“Cool. After this it’s diaper change, and then I can put her in her swing so we can talk.” _Oh. Right._ Gabe thought.Of course Sam would want to talk. To find out why Gabe was here. _Shit._ “Unless,” Sam added, tossing a quick look over his shoulder as he gave Mary a spoonful of goop. “You don’t want to. Which is cool.”

“Um...I don’t know. Maybe.” Because, of course the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it, but he supposed Sam deserved some sort of explanation.

“Hey, like I said, cool if you don’t.” Sam went back into baby feeding mode. “Mary likes carrots, don’t you?” She gummed a spoonful of orange mush dutifully. Gabe smiled at her and she grinned in response, sending half of the mush back out of her mouth and onto her chin. “Mary is disgusting, isn’t she? Yes, she is.” Gabriel enjoyed watching Sam play parent. He was pretty good with the kid.

True to his word, once Sam had Mary in her swing 20 minutes later, he did not press Gabriel to talk. All he said when he sat on the couch next to Gabe was, “So, you wanna watch a movie, or…?”

Gabriel nodded, not ready to open up. He didn’t know exactly what he was gonna say yet, but he had almost decided to tell Sam _something_. He wasn’t really paying attention to the screen where Sam was flipping through the movie channels. He was lost in thoughts of what he could and could not talk about with Sam. He actually jumped when Sam suddenly exclaimed, “Oh, no _way_!”

Gabe looked at Sam, who was looking at the tv. Then he turned to look at the tv and Sam looked at him, presumably to gauge his reaction. The highlighted movie was the one they had watched during that long ago first sleepover. The one where they’d shared their first kiss. Suddenly, thinking back on that time, on how sweet and perfect it had been, Gabriel wanted to cry. He briefly debated pretending he didn’t know what it was, but Sam deserved better. Instead, he smiled.

“I’ll be damned, Sam-O. That brings back a lot of memories, huh?”

Sam looked like Gabriel felt. He was smiling, but his eyes were sad. He was no doubt similarly nostalgic for that lost and long ago time. Everything had been so simple between them then. So easy and perfect and right. Then it had all been snatched away and everything in Gabe’s life had turned back to shit.

Gabriel opened his mouth to ask Sam to choose something else. Because he didn’t think he could bear to watch it and not hold Sam’s hand the way he had back then. Instead, he heard himself ask, “What was it like for you, after I left?”

Sam looked momentarily surprised and then slightly uncomfortable. “It wasn’t great.” He looked at Gabe for a long moment and then sighed. “It took me a long time to get over it. What about you?” Sam hesitated, looking away before he asked, “Did you...did you start cutting again?”

It was Gabriel’s turn to hesitate, but in the end, he unbuttoned his sleeve and rolled it up, exposing his forearm. He flipped it over and turned it so Sam could see. He pointed to a jagged scar near the elbow, running parallel with a nearby vein. He ran his fingertip over it lightly, feeling the odd raised edge of it and remembering.

“That one, right there. I’d been in Illinois a few months. You and I had already stopped talking and school was awful. Mom was constantly worried that Uri was gonna find us. I just hated everything and I felt so alone. So I found a really crappy blade mom had missed in the back of a drawer.” Gabe’s mouth lifted at the corners. “She was hiding all the sharp objects back then to make sure I couldn’t cut, but she underestimated my searching skills.“

He raised his eyes to Sam’s. “I made that cut right there, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I felt sick with guilt. Because I knew that you’d be so disappointed and upset if you knew I broke my promise.” Gabe shrugged and rolled his sleeve back down, dropping his eyes to look at his feet. “So I didn’t do it anymore.”

Gabe felt Sam’s eyes on him for several moments. “Not until later, you mean.”

Gabriel shot him a surprised look. “What makes you say that?”

“Because I remember that moment pretty clearly, Gabe - the first time you showed me your arm. I didn’t count them or anything, but I remember basically what they looked like. Some of those,” he nodded toward Gabe’s arm, “Are a lot bigger than the ones I looked at.”

Gabriel sighed and rolled his sleeve up again. This time he pointed to two longer, cleaner scars. Both were thicker than all the others and, if one knew about such things, clearly fresher. He had gone deeper for those and they’d happened much more recently. “Those two. They’re the only other ones. I’m not...I’m not gonna talk about why they happened. But they both happened on the same night.”

He felt emotion swell up inside his throat as he remembered. He let out a deep sigh that he hoped successfully hid a hiccupy sob. His throat was thick and he cleared it a couple of times before he said, “Anyway, those were the only times. It was years ago.”

“What made you stop the second time?”

 _The same thing as before, Sam. Remembering I had promised you I wouldn’t,_ Gabriel thought, but did not say. Instead, he chose to tell a lie this time. “It had been years since I’d done it. The second one was bleeding pretty heavy and it freaked me out. Then I got into therapy and that probably helped a lot, too.”

Sam looked at him for a long moment, but if he detected the dishonesty, he didn’t force the issue. Instead, he flopped his hair around with his hand and asked, “So the thing that made you cut the last time...that the reason you’re here?”

He wasn’t looking at Gabe when he said it and that made it easier for Gabriel to respond. “Yeah, Samalam. And thanks for taking me in.”

Sam shrugged, still not looking at him. “We’re friends.” His voice was barely more than a whisper. “That thing that made you cut...that’s why we can’t be more than that.” Sam was looking at him now, eyes practically boring a hole into Gabriel’s head.

It wasn’t really a question, but Gabe felt like he should answer, anyway. “Yeah, Sam. I’m sorry.” He dropped his head, slumping forward a little. He wasn’t even sure Sam could hear him when he said, “I wish things were different.”

Sam reached out and brushed his hand down the back of Gabe’s hair, but he didn’t let it linger. Gabriel didn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved. He knew which he _should_ feel. “Gabe, it’s...fine. I mean…” Sam sighed and gave Gabriel a long measuring look. ”Look, I’m gonna be really honest here. It isn’t fine. I want more. I want...you. I care about you.”

He sighed and leaned back against the arm of the couch. “But I’m here for whatever you need from me. If it’s just friends, then it’s just friends. I’m not going anywhere, Gabe. I’m not...Shit. I’m not losing you again. You’re the best friend I’ve ever fucking had, ok?”

Gabriel didn’t know what to say for a minute. He wanted so badly to call on his old pal sarcasm or perhaps its cousin, scathing wit. But this moment was too important. Sam had just really opened up to him in a way Gabe probably didn’t even deserve, but damned if he didn’t owe Sam a little honesty in return. Maybe he owed it to himself, too.

“I’m not gonna lie, Sam. I want more, too. But I can’t, man, ok? I just can’t. If it was gonna be anyone…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He felt like he’d been punched in the chest with fire. _Fuck_. None of this was supposed to happen.

Without saying a word, Sam reached over and took Gabe’s hand, folding it up in his huge one. He squeezed, stroked his thumb over the back of Gabe’s knuckles and then he let go. After another minute had passed in silence, Sam said, “Gabe, will you promise me something?”

“That depends, Sam-O,” Gabriel responded warily.

“One day, will you tell me about it?”

Gabriel felt ice slide through his veins. He knew Sam had a right to ask. It was the thing keeping them apart. And they were friends. But it was the one thing he never wanted to talk about ever again. He and the therapist still did sometimes, but a lot of times, she let him use shortcut words like “the incident” or “that time in college” without him actually having to say aloud what had gone on.

“I don’t know, Sam. Maybe someday.” He tried not to sound bitter as he said, “If you really stick around.”

The bitterness did come out in his voice, though. Sam looked hurt and Gabe instantly regretted his words. He hadn’t meant it like that.

“Sam, I didn’t...I don’t mean...Fuck!” He glanced at Mary to see if he’d disturbed her, but she was jabbering happily to a teething ring. Gabriel flopped back against the couch, hand scraping his hair back from his face. He lowered his voice and tried again. “I wasn’t saying that I don’t believe you when you say you’re not going anywhere. I just mean, I know how I am. I know my life and all the shit that happens. I know the way I get.” He forced himself to look at Sam, even though the hurt was still lingering there. “And I expect you to get tired of putting up with my shit eventually, regardless of your best intentions.”

The hurt look slid away, replaced by an emotion Gabriel wasn’t sure he understood or could identify. One side of Sam’s mouth quirked up in a smile. “I think you’re underestimating both of us, Gabe.”

They moved on to neutral topics after that, leaving the deep painful things behind for the moment. They chose a different movie, but Gabriel didn’t really watch it. He was still thinking about all the things they weren’t talking about. He wished that seeing that name didn’t put him into such a state that he didn’t trust himself not to go home. At the same time, he was grateful that he was here, now, with Sam. It wasn’t as much as either of them wanted, but more than Gabe had ever expected to have again.

He was so lost in thought, he never heard the door. So he startled in surprise when Dean said, “Sammy, did I say you could have a boy over while you were babysitting?” He grinned at Gabe’s look of confused embarrassment. “Relax man, you’re all grown up now, remember? Good to see you, Gabe. Don’t mind me, I just gotta run upstairs and grab a thing. Hey Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Gabe wasn’t sure what was going on, but he heard Sam’s delighted laugh followed by what seemed to be angry grunting from Dean. When Sam came back downstairs, alone, he was grinning broadly. Gabe raised his eyebrows, but Sam shook his head slightly and then Dean was back downstairs. He had an overnight bag in his hand now. Gabe smirked. _Oh_.

“See you later, Gabe. Thanks, Sam. Really. You’re the best!” His excitement was evident in his face and every moment. He was practically running by the time he reached the door.

“I take it you will be babysitting the whole night?”

Sam laughed. “All night long. Seems Daddy Dean and Papa Cas haven’t had any special grown-up alone time lately and they decided they would get a hotel room for the evening. If I didn’t mind, of course.”

“Like you would turn down a request like that.”

“I know, right?” Sam grew more serious. “Now I feel _really_ bad that I didn’t offer to babysit sooner.”

It was Gabe’s turn to laugh. “Dude, they will survive their occasional dry spell. Everyone does.”

“Yeah, but it’s different when you’ve got someone right there that you can’t…” Sam turned away, as he realized what he was saying. He cleared his throat loudly. “Anyway. Um, it’s almost time for Mary’s bath and bedtime. I was planning to get something to eat after that, but if you’re hungry now, I can go ahead and heat something up?”

“I’m ok. I can wait.”

“All right. You want some wine? I don’t wanna drink any until I get Mary down, but if you want some now, I’ll open it and let it breathe for a  few minutes.”

“Yeah, actually, wine sounds good.”

So Gabriel followed Sam into the kitchen and sat at the table while he uncorked a bottle. Gabe noted that it was the same kind of sweet red he usually ordered in restaurants and smiled. He took the glasses Sam handed him and set them on the table.

“Just pour it whenever you think it’s had time to breathe. Um, if you decide you’re hungry, I think there’s a cheese and fruit plate in the fridge?” He stopped and walked over to the fridge to check. When he saw it, he pulled it out and set it down in front of Gabe. “Sometimes it takes her a while to go to sleep, so you might get hungry.” He shrugged, then laughed. “I have to _sing_ to her.”

Gabriel chuckled, “Oh, wow, that poor little girl.”

“Haha, yeah well, I got the sweet personality, you got the sweet voice. Even trade, jackass.”

“Tsk, tsk, Sam-O. For someone supposedly so sweet, you do swear an awful lot,” Gabe said with an expression of innocence as he popped a quarter of a strawberry in his mouth.

Sam grinned. “Damn right.”

Then he walked out of the room and Gabe could hear him talking to Mary about the unparalleled excitement of bath time. As Gabriel reflected on it further, he was forced to admit that if Sam were giving _him_ a bath, he’d be pretty fucking excited, too. With that thought on his mind, Gabriel poured his first glass of wine and forgot to sip it.

Gabriel walked around the kitchen with his nearly empty glass, polishing it off as he stepped up to examine a bookshelf. Mostly it held cookbooks and kitchen items, but there were a couple of pictures, too, and they made Gabe smile. One showed Sam grabbing Cas in a headlock while both grinned. Another was a photo of Sam and Dean baking together. They were both covered in flour and laughing.

Gabriel wasn’t sure how long ago the photos were taken, but he guessed the second photo hadn’t been taken long after they moved in. Sam still looked pretty much the way he remembered him in that one. In the other, his growth spurts had obviously started, and he had a little bit of acne, so Gabriel thought he might be 16 or so.

He poured himself another glass of wine and grabbed up a few bits from the cheese plate. Then he walked into the living room in search of more photos. He didn’t have to look far. There was at least one frame on every table and plenty more on the bookshelves and DVD cabinet. He saw some albums, too, but he thought that was overstepping.

He walked around the room, watching the story of Sam growing up unfold before his eyes. Gabe saw Sam winning a science trophy and Sam at the prom. Then there was Sam with his first car, Dean proudly handing over the keys. Gabe loved the pic of Sam between Cas and Dean at their wedding. And others of Sam graduating and Sam in his dorm at Stanford were good, too. Then he saw the one of Sam with Jessica, in a frame sitting close to the floor on one of the bookshelves.

They had put it out of the way, Gabe supposed, so Sam wouldn’t be faced with it accidentally. It was a professional shot of the two of them. Their cheeks pressed together. Sam was wearing a sweater Gabriel would have teased him about if it had been any other picture, so it must have been taken here in Kansas. He was pretty sure Stanford didn’t get sweater weather. Jessica had been quite pretty and the two of them looked overjoyed to be together.

In all the pictures around the room, there were plenty of Sam with people outside of his family. He was standing with friends in most of the pictures, actually. But, of all the pictures without Cas or Dean in them, the only one where he looked completely at ease and truly happy was the one with Jessica. Gabriel gently put the picture back down. Gabe hated that Sam had lost that.

Then he spotted one more picture, also tucked out of the way in a corner. He picked it up and couldn’t believe what he saw. It was a picture Dean had taken at Ellen’s of Sam flanked by Cas and Gabe himself. Ellen and Jo were in the background, making faces.  Sam had his arm around Gabe and they were all smiling.

Gabriel knew there were other pictures from that day because Gabe had taken some himself with Dean in them. So he was surprised this was the one they'd chosen to put out. He smiled, remembering the day. Then he set the photo back down, surprised to find he had already finished his second glass of wine.

He thought he had better get more of the fruit and cheese in his belly to help counteract the effects of the alcohol. He filled his wine glass with water from the ice maker and drank that with his snacks.

He had just swallowed the last of the water when he heard Sam's footsteps on the stairs. Gabe smiled unabashedly at the taller man when he walked in the room, letting his guard down a bit more than it should have been.

Sam stopped in the doorway, cocking his head to the side. His own smile was hopeful, but wary. Then he eyed the glass in Gabe's hand and, after a brief flash of disappointment, Sam's expression changed to neutral. Gabe frowned slightly.

"Been finding ways to amuse yourself?" Sam asked, grabbing a bite of cheese on the way to the fridge.

"Been watching you grow up," Gabriel responded. It was not until the words were out of his mouth that he realized gulping wine on a long-empty stomach had brought him to a state of inebriation he hadn't anticipated or noticed.

Sam looked concerned. "Uh, Gabe, how much wine have you had?"

Gabe frowned again. "Just two glasses, Sampson. Half full ones at that. I looked at all your pictures, is what I meant. I haven't eaten in a while, though."

Sam's face cleared then, looking relieved. He nodded. "I'll have dinner ready in just a couple minutes." He turned his back to dig in the freezer before pulling out a bagged frozen dinner. Then he walked over to the island and pulled down a pan.

"There's a picture of me in there," Gabe said, partly just to make conversation. "Wasn't expecting that. From that party at Ellen's?"

Sam smiled and nodded, distracted by adding frozen pieces of food to the pan. When he was done he put a lid on it and set a timer. "Ok, 7 minutes and we should be ready to eat. What were you - oh! Yeah, Dean really likes that picture of you and me and Cas."

He came over to the table and poured himself some wine. "Man, that kid did not want to sleep. No wonder they haven't..." Sam apparently had something in his throat. "Um, there's a photo album with you in it, too. If you wanna look at it after dinner."

Gabe said that he did. He refilled his water glass while Sam stirred the food. A few minutes later, they ate mostly in silence. Gabe was still feeling the wine enough to feel relaxed and floaty. He rather enjoyed the sensation. After a while, he started to feel like Sam was upset about something.

"Hey, Sam-O. I say something wrong?"

"What? Uh, no. No, Gabe, it's...there's nothing." Sam was obviously distracted and it obviously _was_ something - but Gabriel was in no position to press the issue, if Sam didn’t want to talk.

"Thanks for dinner," was Gabe's only reply. Sam gave a half-hearted half-smile and went back to picking at his food.

Gabe decided he wanted another glass of wine, if Sam was going to get mopey. So he poured it, full this time. Sam glanced at the glass, saying, “This wine really pairs well with this. Better than I expected.” He took a large swallow of the red liquid and Gabe followed suit.

No matter how much he drank, Gabe’s wine glass never seemed to be empty. Until the meal was over that was, and Sam was pouring the last of the bottle into his own glass. Gabriel didn't really feel drunk, but he knew he was well lubricated. He offered to help Sam with the dishes, but Sam told him to grab the big, blue photo album and sit on the couch, instead.

Gabriel had no trouble locating the book, but he had a little trouble not falling on his head when he picked it up. He finally managed to retrieve the album and get to the couch just as Sam was coming back from cleaning up. Sam sat down right next to him so they could both see the pictures. His thigh was pressed right up against Gabriel’s and the shorter man tried to remember why that was bad, but he couldn’t. He liked it. Sam’s thigh was warm and muscular and it made him feel all tingly inside.

Sam opened the book to the middle and then had to turn a couple pages to find what he was looking for. It didn’t take long for Gabriel to spot the pictures Sam had wanted to show him. They were all of Sam and Gabe together. Sometimes they had a combination of Cas, Dean, Ellen or Jo, but plenty of them were just the two of them.

“Dean took these,” Sam told him. “He always thought we were cute together, he said. He always liked you, you know.”

“Yeah?” Gabe asked, not quite believing, but Sam nodded. “I always liked him, too. Makes good pie.”

Sam smiled and flipped the page. The left side was more small snapshot sized photos and those were interesting, Gabe was sure. However, the thing that caught his inebriated eye was the blown up shot on the right page. It was the two of them, kissing. He didn’t know where they were or how the picture had been taken. Despite their being allowed to hold hands and flirt, they never kissed when they knew anyone else was around. That was just for them.

“It was Cas,” Sam told him, answering the question he hadn’t spoken. “That same day at Ellen’s as these others, when we walked over by the swing? Dean said something about how we might be embarrassed, but we’d appreciate the keepsake if he could catch us. So Cas took the camera and snuck in between the bushes.”

“But, we looked through those pictures the next day. I don’t remember this.”

“Yeah, they had a couple of memory cards and this was on the one that filled up first. They apparently misplaced it for a while after they swapped it out. They didn’t find this one till after you were already gone.”

Gabe noticed the Sam had dropped his eyes. His face was sad and Gabriel didn’t like it. He looked at the photo again and thought back to the actual kiss. It was right after Sam had finally been the first one to say “I love you.” Gabe had gone first all the times before. He had been so happy. He’d grabbed Sam by both his cheeks and kissed him as hard as he could. Sam had turned it into something more gentle and that was what was captured by the camera.

He looked up at Sam again to find those eyes staring him down. He could see that Sam remembered, too. Sam had had all this time to adjust to the picture, but it still affected him. Gabriel saw the naked longing in Sam’s eyes and briefly thought of ignoring it. But the wine had washed down his defenses. For the moment, he didn’t feel anything except the same longing he saw in those crazy color-changing eyes. He kept staring for a long moment. Then the alcohol told him to move, to close the distance.

Just as he had on that long ago day, Gabriel reached out for Sam with both hands, drawing him in. Those lips closed over his, plump and soft and warm. Gabriel wanted nothing more than to taste them. So for the next several moments, he took gentle sips of them with his own lips. Then they parted beneath his and his tongue slipped inside to find Sam’s.

It was familiar, yet brand new. Sam was all grown up now and so was Gabe. It was as sweet as it had always been, but there was a fire now, and both men had learned new techniques that fed that flame. It quickly escalated from just a kiss to something more. Hands were feverishly searching for places to touch, skin to caress, muscles to knead. Then, as suddenly as it had ignited, Sam shut it all down.

“No, Gabe, stop, wait, you’re drunk, I can’t...you’re gonna regret this tomorrow, I can’t...We have to stop.” Gabriel had just registered that Sam looked a little bit guilty when Sam said, “I’m sorry. I’m - shit. I’m sorry, Gabe.”

Gabe was still reeling from that kiss and from the wine. He couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. He tried to pull Sam back toward him. “But I don’t want to stop. Kiss me again, Samsam. Please.” He thought he probably looked pathetic, pleading as he was, but he didn’t care. He wanted. Sam had said he wanted, too. Why was he pulling back now that Gabe had finally given in? He had even called him Samsam.

“Gabriel, no. You’re drunk, I...I got you drunk. I’m an asshole, Gabe. I’m sorry. I just...you looked at me that way and...fuck. Please don’t hate me, Gabe. I’m so sorry.”

Gabriel was more confused than ever. If Sam had gotten him drunk so he could kiss him, why wasn’t he kissing him? It had worked. Gabriel wanted to kiss him like Sam wanted him to want to...Gabriel’s head hurt a little bit, trying to work it out. He sat there for a minute, head swimming, before he spoke again. “But I wanna keep kissing you, Samba,” he whispered, weakly, as Sam started helping him stand up.

“No, Gabriel, no more kissing tonight. Come on, I need to get you in bed before you pass out.”

“Yes, Sam-O, take me to bed,” Gabe said suggestively, trying to nuzzle Sam’s ear.

“Gabe! Shit, behave yourself. It’s for your own good. I’m sorry. I know you think you want it right now, but you’re gonna be so mad at me tomorrow.”

“How could I be mad at you, Samsam?” Gabe was shocked that Sam could even think it. Sam was bright and kind and wonderful. He’d wanted to kiss Gabe so bad he’d tricked him into it. That was _adorable_.

The next thing he knew there was a soft thing under his face and it wasn’t part of Sam. He reached out for the taller man, but he easily eluded his grasp. “C’mon, Sam. Cuddle me. I’m not mad, promise. Cuddles!” He said petulantly, earning himself a shushing from Sam. That made him laugh. “You're funny, Samsam.” Then he closed his eyes and everything went dark.

***

Sam tried hard to focus on Mary while he sang her to sleep, he really did, but with Gabe downstairs it was really difficult. Sam wasn’t entirely sure what had changed his mind from wanting to put distance between himself and Gabe to telling the guy he wasn’t going anywhere. It was partly the memories that the movie had stirred up and a little bit just knowing Gabe had managed to stop cutting - at least somewhat - because of his relationship with Sam. It was ultimately, though, because Sam just didn’t want to stay away. Not only for himself, but because he felt like Gabe needed him around. Somehow that was more important than Sam maybe getting his heart broken again.

Mary finally fell asleep and Sam sat there for a minute, gently stroking her forehead and just watching how precious and peaceful she looked. She looked so much like a baby Cas. What was it Gabe had called her? Shushtiel Junior. Sam smiled. He’d have to remember to tell Cas and Dean. He kissed her lightly and went downstairs.

He was unprepared for the look on Gabriel’s face when he walked in the kitchen. It was the same old smile, the one Gabe always used to get when they were together. Sam would catch Gabriel staring and Gabe would smile like that and say something sappy. It pulled something hard in Sam’s chest, seeing it now. Then he saw the wine and realized Gabe had probably drunk too much on an empty stomach. He’d been here several hours and Sam doubted he’d eaten anything substantial for lunch, either.

As the two men talked, and Sam prepared dinner, he started thinking about how alcohol had dropped Gabe’s defenses. He started wondering how Gabe would react if he got drunk enough that they wound up kissing. Would he keep holding Sam at a distance? Or would Gabe like it enough that maybe he could let down his guard and allow them to try it again sober? Suddenly, Sam was obsessed with the idea that, if he could only get Gabriel to kiss him, the guy would quit fighting whatever was between them. He would let them become more than friends...even if that only meant lovers, Sam thought he could live with that.

Then he started contemplating helping Gabe along on getting drunk. He ignored the Jiminy Cricket voice in his ear telling him he wasn’t being a good friend. He justified it by telling himself it wasn’t like he was going to force Gabe to kiss him or push him beyond a kiss if he got one. He just wanted to see if getting Gabe drunk and close would make Gabe kiss _him_.

Sam just hadn’t been prepared for the white hot need that had shot through him once the kiss finally came. He knew he had probably looked like the octopus Gabriel had previously accused him of being. He just couldn’t stop touching - and neither could Gabriel. He wanted more and it seemed like Gabe did, too. Then the guilty realization of what he had done finally hit Sam, like a punch to the stomach, and he felt sick.

He couldn’t go farther. He shouldn’t have gone this far. Gabe was gonna be furious. Maybe not tonight, but once he sobered up, he was gonna be so pissed at Sam. What the hell had he been thinking? Was this high school? He got his friend _drunk_? Shit, even in high school he hadn’t been that pathetic.

Gabe didn’t want to stop or let go. And no doubt, tomorrow he would hate Sam for that, too. It hit Sam as he left Gabe sleeping on the guest bed that he may have completely fucked up the friendship he’d decided he wanted desperately to keep. He crawled into his own bed with the baby monitor, but it was a long time before his troubled thoughts allowed him to sleep.[  
](http://iwannaliveindeansdimples.tumblr.com/private/85703288880/tumblr_n5jxxeyMiS1sg52bk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me? ♥  
> Ps. There'll be a Time Stamp along in a few days for the time between Part 1 and this, and another a few days after _that_ for the Destiel in this chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam deals with the repercussions of his actions, leading he and Gabe discuss the future of their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is much angst contained herein. Hugs can be obtained by leaving a comment at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Fanart commissioned from netherwings.tumblr.com

Gabe woke up to a thick, foul-tasting tongue, an invisible fist squeezing the base of his skull, and the awareness that he had no clue how he’d ended up in this totally unfamiliar room. He blinked and tried to swallow, but his throat held the soreness that told him he’d snored half the night. He saw a small bathroom, so he dragged himself up and out of bed to the sink. Once he was moving and had some water, he realized he must be in Sam’s house.

Then he had a flash of lips crushing lips and he froze with a handful of water halfway to his mouth. Shit. _Shit_. He had kissed Sam. And it had been...God, it had been good. His morning wood encouraged him to continue reminiscing, but the water he had managed to spill all over the floor kept him sane enough not to do that. He grabbed a towel and cleaned up the spill, cursing.

He vaguely remembered Sam stopping the kiss and confessing to having deliberately gotten Gabe drunk, but he wasn’t sure if that was real or a dream. Would Sam have done that? Gabriel didn’t know. He knew Sam wouldn’t have kissed him when Gabe was drunk and he wouldn’t have pushed Gabe to go beyond a kiss. But would Sam get him drunk and try to get Gabe to kiss him? People had done dumber things with less reason.

It was a dick move, if it was true. Of course, Gabe was the jackass who kept drinking around Sam when he hardly ever drank otherwise. He had never been good at holding his liquor and Sam-related nerves that made him drink faster didn’t help that. He was the idiot who had smiled at Sam like a lovesick teenager because he’d been drinking and shown Sam the weakness. This was why he didn’t do relationships, wasn’t it? Because trusting people just gave them ways to take advantage of you.

He checked the time and realized he needed to get to work. He didn’t have time for unwanted drama. He grabbed his things and quietly made his way downstairs. He heard Sam and Mary in the kitchen and he considered just walking out without a word. Instead, he forced himself to go in and say goodbye. He stroked Mary’s cheek and gave her a bright smile as he told her he was leaving. Then he schooled his face to be emotionless and thanked Sam for letting him come over and said he’d be in touch.

“Gabe, I - “ Just the guilty look on his face told Gabe his memories were accurate.

“Not now, Sam. I have to go.” His voice was harsher than he’d meant it to be and Sam shrank from it. He felt a little bad, but he left without another word. Halfway to work he realized he had no desire to sell candy today.

He called his manager and had him come in to open and find someone to cover. Gabriel knew it made no sense to pay someone to work the counter when he was perfectly capable and had nothing else to do, but there were days when he wanted to do just that. Usually, they were bad days like this one.

He decided to go for a drive, after he’d had some aspirin and some bad drive-thru coffee. He deliberately avoided thinking of Sam. He drove around all the roads of Southpoint that he remembered from his childhood and plenty he didn’t. He took a walk by a pond when he saw a park. The air was cold but still, and the silence was nice. He didn’t take enough time for moments like this.

Ultimately, he decided to go home for a nap and then he thought he might call his father. If he ever needed fatherly advice, it was now. Because as angry as he was with Sam, all he wanted was to feel another kiss like that. He sighed deeply and got into his car, headed for home.

* * *

 

Sam had just put Mary in her high chair for lunch when Cas and Dean got back. They were walking really close and smiling secret smiles at each other. Sam hadn’t even realized how much tension there had been until it was gone. He understood now that all the teasing - and the little spats - lately had probably been at least somewhat related to their lack of alone time. They always teased, but it had been more frequent since he’d been home this time.

“Hey, you two. I was just about to give Mary her lunch. Looks like you had a good time,” he added, smiling.

Dean stood behind Cas and looped his arms around the shorter man’s neck, squeezing him close by the shoulders. He planted a kiss on Cas’ cheek, confirming, “It was really great, Sam. Thank you so much.” Dean moved away from Cas to lean down to his daughter, but he captured one of Cas’ hands, as if unwilling to stop touching. “And how’s my little girl doing, huh? Did you miss Daddy and Papa?”

Mary laugh-squealed happily. “Daaaaaaaaaaaaa!” she put her arms up and kicked her feet, gummy grin making her look like a mini Papa.

“Shushtiel Junior,” Sam murmured.

Cas’ head whipped toward him. “What?”

“Sorry,” Sam said with a smile. “Gabriel called her that a while back.”

“She does look just like her Papa,” Dean agreed. He had picked her up, despite it being lunchtime. “She’s got Papa’s big beautiful blue eyes, doesn’t she? And that’s why I can’t deny you anything, isn’t it, Mary? Huh? Coz you’ve got Papa’s eyes.”

“Paa-ba!” she said with another high pitched laugh-squeal. She reached out and took two fistfuls of Cas’ dark hair and then leaned toward him, pressing her forehead to his chin and rearing back again in laughter.

“And she laughs like Daddy,” Cas said, half his mouth lifting up at the corner. He looked at Dean and they kissed over the top of her head. Sam grinned at them, too happy for them to be even a little bit jealous today.

“So, how’s Gabe? Any progress on the just friends front?” Dean asked as he grabbed Mary’s baby food from the table and opened the jar.

Sam made a disgusted face, his guilt coming back to him in a flash. “Yeah, I think I probably screwed that up by being an idiot.”

“Sam, I’m sure that’s not true,” Cas consoled, clapping Sam on the shoulder. “I’m gonna get our bag out of the car and put it away.”

Dean gave Sam a measuring look when Cas was gone. “All right, Sammy, out with it. What’d you do?” He was feeding Mary one handed and he eased down into a chair. He indicated for Sam to do the same.

Sam sighed heavily as he flopped into the chair. He dropped his head into his hands. “I got him drunk,” he mumbled into his hands. “To get him to kiss me.”

“I’m sorry, you did what now? What are you, 15? Come on, Sam. seriously?” Sam heard him set the spoon down and then he felt Dean flick him, hard, on top of the head. “Pretty sure I raised you better than that. I mean, what the hell, man?” Mary fussed and Sam heard the spoon lift off the table again. “I’m sorry, baby, here you go. Daddy had to punish Uncle Sammy for being a jackass.”

Sam ignored the pain, and didn’t even look up. “I know, Dean. You’re right. I’m an asshole and you didn’t raise me to be an asshole.” He raised his head, knowing he needed to at least try to defend himself. If he couldn’t even make his case to Dean, no way would Gabe accept his apology. “Look, I didn’t just decide to do it out of the blue...We were talking about old times and I felt so close to him, but he told me again that there was no way.”

Sam got up to pace while he talked. “Then after Mary went to bed, I walked back in here and he’d had some wine. And when I walked in the room…” Sam shook his head, then looked at Dean imploringly. “He wasn’t looking at me like just a friend, Dean. He was looking at me like he _used_ to look at me. Back then. Like I was...Like I meant something, man.”

Dean made a face and looked like he might argue, but Sam interrupted.

“I know, Dean. I know. I still shouldn’t have done it. It’s just that…” Sam turned his back on Dean, eyes prickling. “I just wanted him to keep looking at me like that. Nobody’s looked at me like that since Jessica died. And I wanted him to kiss me, to see if it knocked down whatever wall he’s been using to keep us apart.” He looked at Dean over his shoulder, pleading with his eyes for understanding.

Dean looked at Sam with pity, head cocked to the side. “Sammy…” He sighed and fed Mary another spoonful. “Look, I get it, ok? I do. It was the wrong choice, but I guess everyone is allowed to make one of those sometime.” He put down the spoon again and rubbed his thigh.

He was thoughtful for a moment. “Best advice I’ve got is: tell him the truth. Exactly what you just told me. No bullshit, no cover-ups, just come clean. In person would be your best bet coz you could do that whole puppydog thing you’ve got, but I’m guessing you already told him what you did?” Sam nodded glumly.

“Yeah, so probably he’s not gonna want to see you right now. So, text him. Easier to hang up on a phone call without you getting to say what you need to say. Text message, you can say it all without him shutting you down. It’s more neutral than a phone call, too, so he’ll probably read it.”

“I guess you’re right. You think he’ll forgive me?”

“Dunno, Sam. Depends how mad he is, how messed up he is, and how much he cares about your friendship. But hey,” Dean added when Sam moved to walk out of the room. “Open with the words ‘I am a total jackass’ to hedge your bets. Helps that it’s true.” He swatted Sam on the rear as he passed him and out of the room.

Sam walked over to the couch and sat down, trying to type out everything he’d told Dean. It was 30 minutes before he was satisfied with his wording. Dean walked in as he was trying to work up his nerve to send the message.

“Do it, Sammy,” he said as he fastened Mary into her swing.

Sam sighed and pressed the button. He swore as he heard the outgoing message noise. Dean laughed at him.

“It’s gonna be fine, Sam. Gabe’s known you a long time. He knows what kind of person you are. He knows you’re not normally a jackass or an idiot.”

Sam made what Dean called his ‘bitch face’. “Not really helping, Dean.”

Dean smirked. “You’ll live, kiddo. You fucked up, you gotta take your penance.” Sam nodded begrudgingly as Dean turned away to pick up some of the scattered toys from the floor. “So...this is kind of awkward, but...what happens if Gabe does forgive you and decide he wants more than friendship?”

Sam was more than a little confused by the question. “What do you mean? I doubt he’s going to allow more than friendship, even if he does decide to forgive me, but if he did, I’d be thrilled.”

“No, but…” Dean scraped a hand back through his hair. It was longer than Sam had seen it in years and was starting to wave a little bit. “Shit. Like I said, awkward.” He coughed. “What I am trying to say is, won’t it be a little weird for you?” Sam could see a blush, but he didn’t understand it.

“Weird for me? Weird how?”

“Well, as far as I know,” Dean said turning away again. “You’ve, uh, never actually been with a guy before. I mean, Gabe, sure, when you were kids, but all you did was kiss...right?”

“Yeah, we...wait...God, Dean, are you asking me about _sex_?” It was Sam’s turn to blush, though he didn’t possess the skill at it that his brother did. “Shit, I don’t know. It’ll be different, yeah, but we’ll figure it out. Fuck, why am I talking about this with you?”

“I’m just trying to help here, Sam. I know from experience, it can be a little odd making the transition. And you seem to be going along, acting like you and Gabe getting together would be totally ordinary, no different from when you were kids, but it’s not quite that simple.”

Sam was really embarrassed now. He didn't know how to reassure Dean without telling him more than he ever needed to know about his little brother. “Dean, I’m not naive or stupid. I know it won’t be like it was back then. It’s already not like that. When he kissed me, I thought - “ Sam hastily looked at Dean and away again. He coughed. “Nothing, look, it’s fine, ok? I’m...prepared for the experience.”

Dean held up his hands in supplication. “Ok, man. I just wanted to make sure you’d thought about it.”

 _All I’ve done for weeks is think about it_ , Sam thought. What he said was, “I appreciate your concern, man, I do. But I’m good, all right? Can we change the subject now?”

Before Dean could answer, his phone signaled a new message. Sam was instantly in panic mode. “Shit! It’s him, Dean. What if he hates me? What if he never - “

“Why don’t you read the message and find out, Sam?” Dean's voice was quiet and calm.

Sam took in a shaky breath and hit the button to read the message.

**> You were a gigantic dick, Sammo. And not in the fun way that I like ;/ Luckily for you ‘Thaz’ was here and he’s convinced me to give you another chance.**

Sam was so relieved it felt like he was melting into the couch when he relaxed. “He doesn’t hate me. He says he’s gonna give me another chance.” He sent back a simple thank you.

“That’s awesome, Sam. I’m glad.”

Now that his crisis was over, Sam looked around, only just becoming aware that his brother-in-law was not present. “Hey, where’s Cas?”

“He’s upstairs reading. You just now realize he wasn’t here? Man, you really were upset. You want him for something?”

“No, not really. Just realized I hadn’t seen him since he went to get the bag.”

“Yeah, he’s obsessed with this new show and he’s started reading stories about it.”

“Stories? You mean like, fan fiction?”

“I mean like _slash_ fiction.” Dean huffed a laugh and Sam joined him.

“No way! That’s...he must be really into it, if he’s reading that stuff.”

“Man, you have no idea. He says ‘Benehen’s epic love story’ reminds him of us.” Dean’s tone was mocking, but his smile and eyes were soft and fond.

“Benehen? What the hell is that?”

“It’s these two guys, Benedict and Cohen. It’s actually not a bad show. He’s had me read a few of the stories and they’re pretty good, too. He’s wrong, though,” Dean said, raising his voice a little. “Dean-slash-Cas is _way_ more epic than Benehen.” He turned toward the stairs and smiled at Cas who was just arriving.

Cas blushed and beamed at him. “You’re teasing me,” he accused gently.

Dean walked across the room to pull him into his arms. “Not about our epic love, Cas. Never about that.” He dipped his head and pressed a kiss to his husband’s mouth.

Sam could still remember how embarrassed he used to be when they got like this, but nowadays it just made him happy. “Mary,” he said, walking over to pick up his niece. “You are very lucky to have a Daddy and a Papa who love each other so much. And love you so much, too,” he added, nuzzling her nose. She latched onto the end of his nose with her slimy gums. “Aw, gross, kid. Uncle Sam loves you, too, though. You love Uncle Sam?”

“Dam!” Mary said enthusiastically, pulling away from his nose to slap him in the face with two tiny palms.

“You know what, Cas?” Dean said as he and his husband walked up to where Sam was standing holding their daughter. “We’ve got really great kids.”

“Yeah,” Cas said as he lay his head over on Dean’s shoulder. “The best.”

Sam flushed warm and hugged them, his free arm long enough to encompass them both at once. His voice was gruff and full of emotion when he replied, “Well, we have the best parents, so that only makes sense.”

“Love you, Sam,” Cas told him.

“Love you, too, Cas. You, too, Dean.”

“You, too, Sammy.”

They were having trouble transitioning out of the emotional moment gracefully, but the tension was broken when Sam’s phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number, but it was local, so he picked up.

“Hello?” he said, handing Mary off to Dean and Cas before stepping into the kitchen.

“Sam? Hi, it’s Thaz. I hope you don’t mind, I stole your number from Gabriel’s phone.”

Sam laughed in confusion. “No, that’s fine. What’s up?”

“Well, are you free right now? I wondered if I might speak with you about Gabriel. Could you meet me here? I’m at home.”

“Uh, sure, I guess, um…” Sam didn’t really know what to say. It was such an unexpected offer.

“I know it’s sudden. I just think there are things you need to know and...well, how about if we discuss this when you get here?”

Sam agreed and Thaz gave him directions. He was a little nervous. Thaz didn’t seem angry with him, but it was hard to tell from a phone call with a man he didn’t know very well. He stepped back into the living room where Cas and Dean were cuddling with each other and Mary on the couch.

“Hey, uh, I’m going out. Thaz wants to meet with me.”

“Thaz? What for?” Cas looked confused.

“He wants to talk about Gabe. I don’t know why.”

Dean looked thoughtful. “Good luck.”

“Yeah, thanks. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

“We’ll probably be right here, asleep, when you get back,” Dean told him with a yawn.

Sam smiled and walked out the door to his car. As he drove, he tried not to think about anything more than the directions he was following. His brain threatened to go into a panic whenever he started to wonder about what Thaz had to say, so he just didn’t let himself. Far too soon, he was pulling into Thaz’ driveway.

The tall blond man had the door open by the time he reached it. “I was watching for you. Please come in. Would you like a drink? I’m having a sherry, but I’ve got everything. Soda? Sparkling water?”  
  
“Uh, some water would be nice, thanks.”

“Certainly. Have a seat while I get it.”

Sam sat on the edge of the sofa, elbows on his knees. He rubbed his hands together nervously, listening to the skin rasp against itself. He bounced his knee before making himself stop it. It wasn’t long before Thaz was back, holding out a glass of bubbly water with a lime wedge floating in it.

“Here you are. Now then, as you may have noticed at that little family get-together, I am not one to beat around the bush. I brought you here because I love my son and I want what is best for him.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “From what I know about you, Sam, I like you. Gabe has told me about you, and the relationship you had when he was younger, and I know the two of you have become good friends again. I think you’ve been good for him, despite your colossal fuck up last evening,” he added with a reproachful look.

He held up a hand and shook his head when Sam moved to speak. “No, I didn’t invite you here to chastise you or get your apology. Gabriel let me read your message and I believe your regret is sincere.” He sighed and looked over at  a painting that hung across the room. “As you have no doubt suspected, whether or not he has directly mentioned it, something terrible happened to Gabriel a few years ago.” He looked to Sam for confirmation and Sam nodded. Thaz took a long sip of his sherry.

“What happened to him...I can’t tell you what it was. If you are ever to hear that story, it must be from him. But you should know how it changed him.” He rubbed his cheek with the palm of his hand. “He and I reunited just after the sale of his software design. He was angry with his mother, but otherwise, he was happy and light-hearted. He had just started spending time with a young man he really liked and he was thinking about what to do with his new found fortune besides piss it away.”

Thaz stood up and refilled his sherry. Sam sipped his water and waited. “What I’m getting at is that he was in a good place. He wasn't bitter over not having me in his life earlier, he wasn’t dwelling on the painful injustices of his past. He was moving forward and he was happy.” Sam saw Thaz’ eyes redden for a moment and felt an answering ache in his throat.

“What happened to him, Sam...it changed him. He shut down. He became withdrawn. It wasn’t just one event, but a long, drawn-out ordeal, where he had to keep reliving the pain over and over again…” Thaz swiped at his eyes and sat back down. “He’s clawed his way back from the abyss, Sam. He truly has. But he’s still close enough that it pulls at him.” Thaz set his drink on the table and bent forward in his chair, arms on thighs.

“What can I do for him?” Sam asked. Thaz smiled and pointed at him.

“There now, you see? I was right about you, Sam Winchester. You ask the right questions.” Then his face sobered. “First of all, though it may go without saying, I will say this anyway. What happened last night - that sort of thing can never happen again. More than anything, Sam, you cannot breach his trust again, not if you want to help him and not if you want to keep him in your life.”

“I know, Thaz, I _know_.”

Thaz smiled sadly. “No, Sam. You really don’t. You can’t, unless he tells you what happened...but,” he said, holding up a finger. “You can give him reason to trust you. In a way, it is almost good that last night happened. Because he can see that you had an advantage and you did not press it to the point of hurting him, which is a good thing. A very good thing.”

“Us talking behind his back, that’s not a very good way to keep his trust, is it?”

Thaz beamed at him. “My dear boy, he told me you were clever and I see he was right. No, it isn’t. And I don’t intend to hide it from him, nor should you. There is only one thing I will say which I will ask you not to discuss with him.” He picked his sherry back up and took another sip.

“When he says that the two of you can’t be more than friends, what he means is that he doesn’t believe he deserves it. My hope is that you will be able to convince him otherwise. I don’t know if you two could make a go of it or not, and I’m not suggesting you push him for more than friendship. But if anyone could make him see that he is worthy of a normal life, I think it’s you. Will you try? Will you do that for me?”

“I’ll do it for him. But I’m not going to make a secret of it.”

Thaz looked at Sam with a dazzling smile. “I knew I liked you, my boy.”

* * *

 

Gabriel had just hung up with his father and he was furious. How dare he call Sam and discuss Gabriel behind his back? Sure, he’d told Gabe about it when he was done, but still. He was an adult and Thaz was hardly in a position to act like an overprotective father. He took a deep breath and let go of the anger. He wasn’t mad at Thaz. He was mad at himself, for getting into this situation with Sam in the first place. He’d already broken half of his own rules and the guy hadn’t even been back in Gabriel’s life 3 months.

He didn’t want to give up their friendship, though. It had really come to mean a lot to have Sam there. Gabriel was unused to having someone to turn to when things got crazy who wasn’t either his father or his shrink. He was finding that he liked it and it already seemed like something he couldn’t live without anymore. Where would he have ended up last night, if he hadn’t gone to Sam’s? His father hadn’t been available last night. The only reason his father was back _now_ was because the conference had bored him.

Gabriel was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. Sam’s name came up on the display. He considered voicemail, but he wanted to hear Sam’s side of the conversation with his father.

“Thaz’s Charity Case, how may I service you?”

Sam laughed. “Hey, Gabe, listen. I’d like to talk to you. Can I come over?”

Gabriel groaned. “Sam…”

“Please, Gabriel, look, I promise I won’t stay too long and I won’t do anything stupid. I just need to talk to you about some stuff, tell you some things. Then I’ll leave you alone, I swear.”

Gabriel groaned again. “ _Fine._ ”

“Great! Don’t,” Sam sighed heavily. “Please don’t drink anything, ok? I’ll see you soon.”

Gabriel thought of pouring himself a drink just to be a dick, but he just opened the fridge and refilled his iced tea instead. He had taken one step toward the living room when the doorbell rang. Surprised, he walked to the door and found Sam was already outside.

“How did you - ”

Sam shrugged. “I drove straight here from your dad’s. I called you from the car.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Come in, you giant ass.”

“Hey! My ass is the perfect size.”

As Sam walked past him, Gabriel made a show of craning his neck to see the aforementioned rear end. His smirk was unimpressed. “Eh, it’s ok, I guess.”

Sam laughed and swatted his arm. “Dick!”

Gabriel smiled. “Sit down, Samsquatch. You thirsty?”

He sat. “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“All right, so...out with it. What did you wanna tell me?”

Sam sighed. “Ok, I assume you already know I talked to your dad today?” Gabe nodded, moving his hand in a rolling ‘keep it moving’ gesture. “Yeah, ok, well, then he probably told you everything we talked about, but I felt like you should hear it from me as well as some other stuff.”

Gabriel sat down, pointedly taking a spot several feet away from Sam on the couch. He tucked up against the arm and pulled his bare feet onto the cushion, drawing his knees to his chest and crossing his legs at the ankles. “Fair enough. I will do my best not to interrupt.”

Sam blew out a breath. “Yeah, ok, um...let’s see, he reminded me that I was an asshole last night and that’s fine because I was.” He looked at Gabriel and Gabe could see the sincerity on his face. “Then he said that he wasn’t going to tell me what happened to you, but whatever it was, if I wanted to stay in your life, I couldn't break your trust like that again.”

Gabriel looked away, not really seeing anything in front of him. Sam seemed to be waiting for something, so he nodded because what his father said was certainly true.

“So, I decided that from here on out, I’m gonna just try to be totally honest with you. I don’t expect the same from you, but it doesn’t matter. He also said that you didn’t think you deserved to have anything like a relationship or...whatever.” Gabe watched Sam and the emotions that played across his face. He couldn’t read all of them, but some of them surprised him.

“Gabe, look, I told you last night, I want more than friendship with you. Maybe not yet, because I am not 100% sure I am over Jessica, but I want it sometime soon.” Gabriel started to respond, but Sam cut him off with a point of his finger. “No, don’t interrupt, I’m not done. I want it, but I already told you, I am not going to push it. If friendship is all I can have from you, I will take it.”

Sam laughed and adjusted in his seat. “I want you in my life, Gabe. I spent too many years wondering what happened to you, how you were, what you were doing, whether I could still make you laugh. Now that I can just pick up the phone and find out whenever I want, I am _not_ gonna give that up.”

Gabriel couldn’t help it, that speech got through his defenses. He searched Sam’s face, but all he saw was truth. He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself with what he saw. But it was _Sam_. He just motioned for Sam to continue, so he didn’t have to dwell on it anymore.

“Anyway, I want you to know that I am your friend and I will be your friend even if you never want more than that. But if one day you do, I’m here for that, too. And I need you to know that, no matter what happened back then, you’re worthy of a normal life. I would be damned lucky to have you as more than a friend. You’re a good guy, Gabriel. You always have been.”

Gabriel got a little defensive at that. “Sam, you don't know what’s happened or what I’ve done. You can’t say that I’m worthy.”

“Then _tell me_ , Gabe. Tell me what happened.” Sam shrugged. “Or don’t. But I can tell _you_ something. I may not know what happened, but I know you. You're not a rapist or a child molester, and you'd never kill someone in cold blood, right?"

Gabriel felt a cold tingle in the back of his throat. He kept his face as neutral as he could and shook his head tightly in a curt negative. “Of course not.”

"Then there's nothing I could find out about you that would make me want you out of my life. And there is nothing that would make me think you weren't worthy of a better life than you've gotten to have so far."

Part of Gabriel wanted to tell Sam everything, right there and then. Test his bold words, even if it meant proving them for lies. At least he would know. But another part was afraid of proving them wrong, afraid of losing the promised friendship. It teamed up with the part of him that never wanted to speak of it again and together they silenced the part that wanted to talk.

"Sam, I appreciate everything you're saying. You really don't know how much. And I...I want you in my life, too. I mean, ok, last night was..." He looked away as thoughts of the kiss filtered down into his forebrain. Then he pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the point he was trying to make. "Well, it wasn't your best moment." Gabe shook off the melancholy that was weighing him down by grabbing hold of his sense of humor with both hands. "But I get it. I mean, I'm pretty irresistible.” He smirked saucily and gestured at himself with both hands. “How could you not wanna steal a kiss from this hot piece of man meat?"

"All 3 1/2 feet of you is pure sex appeal," Sam nodded and said with such an earnest look that Gabriel burst out laughing. Sam grinned and suddenly everything was ok between them again.

"Look, Sampson," Gabriel said more seriously. "If I change my mind, you're the first one I'll call, ok? Just don't get your hopes up."

Sam nodded and said, "Well, 'probably never but maybe someday' is better than 'definitely never', Gabe. I can live with that." He pressed down on his knees and stood up. “I’m gonna get out of your hair now. I just wanted to, you know, let you know all that stuff.”

Gabriel stood, too, thrown by Sam’s sudden departure. “Ok, well, if that’s what you want. Uh...you don’t have to go...I mean...if you wanna hang out for a while, but it’s up to you.” Gabe didn’t like how much he wanted Sam to stay.

Sam turned back as they reached the door. “I, uh...I was actually thinking maybe we shouldn’t see each other the rest of my trip?” Gabriel wasn’t sure it was a question, or whether discomfort made his voice go up at the end. Gabriel frowned, but said nothing. Sam obviously noticed because he immediately went into explanation mode. “It’s not that I don’t wanna see you, man, it’s just…” He sighed. “You want to keep distance between us and I thought maybe some actual distance would be good.

“Um, ok,” Gabe said slowly, not really sure how he felt or how he should feel. At the moment, it felt a lot like a rejection and he didn’t care for it. He knew it was probably just his own perception and not how it actually was.

Sam groaned in frustration. “I feel like I just hurt your feelings or something. Look, I still wanna talk on the phone and everything. Why don’t we just play it by ear, ok? Like, we won’t make plans, but - “

“Sam-O, man, it’s cool, all right? No feelings to hurt. So we won’t see each other. No big.” Gabriel felt himself shutting down. He knew he sounded aloof and possibly that he was being a dick, but he couldn’t help it. His emotions had been tapped into, to the point where he felt like he might actually start full on crying. And he was damned if he was gonna cry for the first time in years (outside of therapy at least) because the guy he told to stay back was staying back.

“Gabe, come on, man, what do you _want_?”

 _What do I_ want? Gabe thought bitterly. He could hear the speech he wanted to give, playing out in his head. _What I_ want _is to go back in time 9 years and never leave here. What I_ want _is for you and I to be like Cas and Dean, still together and happy after all this time. What I_ want _is to never meet that fucker Gordon. But I can’t have any of that, Sam! So what I want is irrelevant._

Instead, he gave a cold laugh and said, “Just a friend, Sam. Haven't you been listening? See you around, Samantha.”

Sam gave a pinched, angry smile and shook his head, walking out the door - and slamming it - without another word. Gabriel instantly regretted his behavior. He snatched open the door and cried, “Sam! Wait!” but the only response he got was Sam’s middle finger, raised without so much as a falter in his step or a backward glance. “Shit. _Shit!_ ”

Gabriel walked back inside, angry with himself, angry with Sam and just plain angry. He realized they wouldn’t be seeing each other for months and Sam hadn’t even hugged him goodbye. He felt like crying again. This was bad. It was all bad. Being friends with Sam wasn’t supposed to be this complicated. Telling himself he was stupid, he grabbed his keys and headed out after Sam. He more or less obeyed speed limits. Mostly less.

Sam’s car was in the drive at Cas and Dean’s by the time he got there. He took a deep breath and blew it out before he got out of the car. He gave himself a little pep talk as he walked up the gravel path to the door, but his voice was still shaking when Dean opened the door.

“Hey, is uh, Sam home? I need to talk to him.”

“Um. Yeah,” Dean said slowly, obviously confused. “He just came in and stomped up the stairs. You wanna come inside while I call him down here?” He opened the door and stepped back. Gabe could see Mary in the background.

“No, probably best not. There’s likely to be yelling and I don’t wanna disturb the baby,” he said, wiggling his fingers at Mary as she seemed to spot him.

A loud squeal of “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” and outstretched arms caused Gabe’s shoulders to slump.

Dean said, “Looks like the baby wants you inside. You coming?”

Gabe nodded with a sigh and followed him in. He walked over to pick up the baby while Dean went upstairs. Gabriel had half expected him to just shout up them like he had when they were kids, but time had mellowed his...uncle. Shit, that was weird. He looked down at Mary, who was happily gurgling and spreading slimy wetness down her chin and his chest. Maybe Sam wouldn’t yell at a guy with a baby in his arms?

It proved a moot point because Dean took the baby when he returned, heading upstairs again as Sam was coming down. “We’ll leave you two alone,” he said as he hoisted her out of Gabe’s arms. When he was gone, Sam was scowling at him. Gabriel held up both hands, palms forward.

“I know, Sam.” He heaved a sigh and plunged ahead with what he had decided to say while he was in the car. “I felt rejected, man. I know that sounds stupid, but you said all that stuff about being around and then suddenly you said you were going away and I felt like it was all a lie. It hurt. So I flipped out and I lashed out and - grrrrr!” He pulled his hair with both hands. “I told you before, I don’t know how to navigate, Sam! I just - “

But Sam’s face had already softened and his arms were pulling Gabriel into a hug. “Ok, Gabe. It’s ok. Just calm down. I’m not mad.” It wasn’t until Sam pulled back that Gabriel saw the wet spots where his face had been on Sam’s shirt and realized he had tears on his face. Man, he was really falling apart here.

Gabriel was breathless and barely audible as he told Sam, “I just really need a friend, ok? Can you please, please, just be my friend?” As Sam folded him into another octopus hug, Gabe let out a shuddering sigh and relaxed into the other man’s arms. “Last night, I had to come here because I saw someone’s name on a credit card. Does that sound like I’m stable enough for a relationship?” He tried to imbue his voice with his normal sarcasm, but he wasn’t sure if he succeeded.

“Yeah, I think you probably need to watch a few more episodes of Dr. Phil before you’re ready for the big leagues.”

“You’re an asshole. Haven’t I always said you’re an asshole?” Gabriel said as he pulled out of the hug. Sam laughed and Gabriel smiled in relief. He stared at the floor for a second, then asked, “So, we’re good?”

“Yeah, man, we’re good. Listen - “

“Sammy, Gabe, get up here!” Dean shouted down the stairs. “Come see what Mary’s doing!”

So the pair of them rushed up the stairs to see Shushtiel Junior toddling back and forth between her Daddy and her Papa, falling down at each end of the journey. He and Sam made appropriately impressed noises for a few minutes and then Sam made their excuses so they could go back down stairs.

“I should probably go,” Gabriel said when they got back to the living room.

“You sure? You don’t have to.”

“Yeah, I have things to do, since I’m not at work. We’ll talk later, ok? I’ll call or you can call me. It’s, uh...it’s cool if you don’t wanna get together before you go back.” He rubbed his neck awkwardly. “You know, if, um, it’s easier for you.”

Gabe smirked at Sam flopping his ridiculous hair around. “No, that’s not...I actually don’t want that.”

"No? You sure?"

Sam laughed. "Am I sure I don't want it? Yeah. Am I sure it's the best thing? No." He stopped Gabriel from speaking. "You need a friend, I need a friend. I gotta leave for school soon anyway so we will have 3 months of space. May as well hang out while we can."

Sam looked at him intently, lips pursed, obviously making a decision. "12 year old me would have given just about anything to get to hang out with you again. He'd be mad as hell at me if I could have and I didn't."

Gabriel wasn't sure how to respond to that. The truth, that 12 yr old him had never gotten over that longing, was too much. But Sam deserved better than a smirk and sarcasm. He smiled slightly and just said, "Yeah, I get that. Same here."

"Ok, so, in a couple days we get together, hang out, maybe grab a pizza or something?"

"Sounds good, kiddo. I'll see you. Tell the guys goodbye for me?"

"Will do."

Sam hugged him again, but it was brief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it! I'm so proud of you. Have you eaten? Taken your pills? You should drink something. I love you. ♥


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More babysitting leads to surprising discoveries for both men and desires begin to run high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA The Smut Begins. But feels first. Always feels first. Except sometimes when it's during. Or after. Anyway, the real smut's coming next chapter, but you get a _definite_ taste in this one.
> 
> Fan art by moi.

Dean had given Cas tickets for the symphony for his birthday and Sam had readily agreed to play babysitter again so they could go. The concert was a few days before he was scheduled to head back and he wanted them to have plenty of alone time while he could give it. He needed to encourage them to find a babysitter while he was gone.

He asked Dean about it while Dean was finishing up making Mary’s snacks for the night. “Hey, man, you guys should really start getting a babysitter while I’m gone. I’m happy to do it whenever I’m here, but when I’m not, you guys gotta make time for yourselves.”

“Yeah, actually, Charlie has hinted a few times that she’d do it.”

“Charlie? Oh! The one you hired around Thanksgiving that you thought was a guy till her interview?”

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in, smart guy. _Anyway_ , she says she’ll babysit for us sometime. So don’t worry.” He closed the lid on the container for Mary’s snacks and moved to put it in the fridge. “You planning on having any boys over while we’re gone, Sammy? I’ll make snacks for you, too.”

Sam made his bitch face and said, “I didn't plan on him coming over last time, jackass.”

Dean smirked. “Seriously, though, what’s going on with that? He forgave you and everything, you said. Still just friends?”

“Yeah, and that’s all,” Sam said defensively.

Dean held up both hands, as if in surrender. “Dude, I’m not pushing. I’m just asking. I’m glad you’re at least that. Look, thanks again for tonight, ok?”

“Of course, man. You two have fun. See you in the morning.” Sam grinned at him.

“Shh, I haven’t told Cas yet!” Dean said in a whisper loud enough Cas probably could have heard it upstairs if he wasn’t blow drying his hair.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Dude, gimme a hug and go get your husband and get out of here.”

After a couple of hours, Sam began to regret his generosity. Mary was always sweet and adorable, but tonight she wasn’t her usual fun self and pretty soon, Sam was bored out of his mind. She was content to smack her swing and make noises to herself, without any input from him. She wasn’t interested in the puppets or anything else he tried to do with her. She wouldn’t say any of her words, either. She wasn’t grumpy, just obviously wasn’t in a social mood.

Finally, Sam gave in to temptation and texted Gabe.

**Wanna come over and hang out while I babysit?**

Gabe’s response made Sam laugh.

**> Only if I can braid your hair and talk about boys I like.**

Sam tried to be equally sarcastic.

**Lilliputians have such strange customs.**

He chuckled to himself while he waited for a reply.

**> Confucious say jackass who want company should be nicer to his friends.**

Sam tried again.

**Dude, I am actually begging. <insert joke about finally getting me on my knees here>**

**We’ll get a pizza and hang, like we talked about.**

It took longer for a response this time, but Gabe came through.

**> See you in 20. Stay on your knees. >;P**

* * *

 

Gabriel was pleased he'd managed to arrive exactly when he said he would. He rang the doorbell exactly 20 minutes after he had sent the message. The smirk was wiped right off his face when Sam engulfed him in a bear hug to drag him through the door.

"Samantha, I believe I said 'stay on your knees,' not 'suffocate me please.'"

"Dude," Sam said seriously, as he held Gabriel's arms and pushed himself away. "I am so bored. Please save me. Mary wants nothing to do with me and she starts making lots of noise whenever I try to watch tv."

"Poor Samsquatch. Can't bear being ignored by an 8 month old."

"Dude!" Sam said indignantly. "Just watch!"

He walked over and tried to get her attention with a puppet. She pushed it away, refusing to even look at it or him. She was moving items around on the swings table and refused his every attempt at interaction. Gabe tried not to laugh.

"Now watch this," Sam said, turning on the tv.

Mary immediately started vocalizing loudly, not quite singing. When Sam turned off the tv, she stopped.

"Laptop? Books? These are all alternative amusements."

Sam gave him his very best bitch face, which made Gabriel laugh. He picked up a book and sat down on the couch, opening it. Mary looked at him and started the vocalizing again until he put it down.

"Same with the laptop, I take it?" Sam just nodded. Gabriel walked over to the swing. "What's a matter, lamb chop?" he asked, making a note to work Samchop into his repertoire of nicknames.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaay!" Mary shouted gleefully, reaching out her hands for him to pick her up. He did and noted Sam's crestfallen look.

"What the hell, man? She hasn't wanted me near her since she woke up from nap time."

"Have you been mad at Samchop since you woke up, Shushtiel? Did you have a bad dream about your uncle Samalam, huh?" He shifted her to the other arm so she was facing Sam. "Uncle Sam's not gonna hurt you, precious girl. No, he's not," he said, wiggling his face back and forth in front her hers while smiling. "No, he's not! Uncle Sam loves Mary, yes he does," he cooed as she smiled back at him and smacked his cheeks.

Gabriel tried moving her closer to Sam, but she wasn't having it. She didn't yell or cry, but she struggled and pulled back. He held her away from Sam then and hugged Sam with a smile so she could see. Sam smiled, too.

"Uncle Sammy is a good guy, Mary, see?"

The baby looked between them doubtfully. Gabriel made a silly face that made her laugh. Sam tried one, too. She smiled shyly. He made another and another until she laughed and reached for him, shouting, "Dam!" at the top of her lungs and ending Gabriel's ability to hear from his right ear for several minutes.

"Thanks, man. I don't know what I would've done."

"Shall I go?" Gabriel asked, since Sam's words sounded vaguely like a dismissal.

"Huh? You just got here. I wanted you to hang out, remember?"

“Ok, just checking,” Gabriel said, smirking to ease the sudden tension he felt.

He sat down on the couch and watched Sam with his niece until Sam was satisfied enough to put  her back in the swing. He saw Sam pick up a book and quirked an eyebrow, but he assumed Sam was just testing Mary’s reaction. When she didn’t protest, he put it back down and smiled at her first, then Gabriel.

“Looks like all is forgiven, Samalam.”

“Looks that way,” Sam agreed with a smile.

They talked and watched Mary amuse herself until it was time for her to eat. They both went into the kitchen and had a seat at the table. The chair Gabriel chose did not have the cushions that the others had, but it was the furthest away from Sam and he thought that was best. He had been feeling a little too cozy on the couch and he needed some space. After a while, though, Gabriel felt the hard press of his wallet against his backside, so he pulled it out and set it on the table.

“Hey, you starting to get hungry?”

“Yeah, I believe you said something about pizza?”

Sam gave him a panicked look. “Aw, man, do you still eat weird shit on your pizza?”

“I eat a lot of vegetables on my pizza, Sam, just like you. Pineapple is a vegetable, right?” He smirked, just to be an asshole.

“You’re a dick and you have terrible taste.”

“I’ve been told it’s actually delicious,” he said with an eyebrow waggle. “But if you will allow me to use your laptop, I will place the pizza order and make sure my tasty ingredients don’t defile your precious Vegetarian Deluxe with Double Soggy.”

Gabriel laughed at the face Sam threw him and walked into the living room to get the laptop. “Mario’s ok with you?” Gabriel yelled toward the kitchen.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Sam called back.

Gabriel customized his BBQ and pineapple pizza with all his favorite trimmings and then added a Vegetarian to the cart, putting extra jalapenos on both. When he went to pay for the online pizza order, he realized he’d left his wallet on the kitchen table. Since Sam was still in there he called out to him. “Hey, man, can you bring me the green Visa out of my wallet?”

“Sure thing.”

Gabriel didn’t really look at Sam when he walked over and held the card out to him, so he didn’t realize until Sam spoke that he was standing there, staring down at Gabriel’s wallet.

“How long has this picture been in your wallet, Gabe?”

Gabriel’s heart dropped into his shoes as he completed the pizza order. He hadn’t even thought about that when he had sent Sam to open his wallet. The picture had been there, transferred from wallet to wallet, for almost a decade. It was a little worn and faded, but he’d kept good care of it. It was a photo he’d printed off his phone the first week after he’d moved to Illinois. In it, Sam and Dean were smiling and red-nosed as they stood in front of a lake. The whole scene was being dusted with snow.

Gabriel didn’t know how to respond. If he told Sam how long it had been there, then Sam would know. He would know that Gabriel had never gotten over him. He would know that Gabe still cared about him and he would not give up until Gabriel agreed to being more than friends. He heard the lies rolling off his tongue before he even knew he was going to tell them.

“Oh, I - yeah, I forgot to tell you. I found it a few days ago in a box of stuff. Cool blast from the past, huh?” Sam just continued to stare down at the wallet, running his finger over the plastic cover the photo was in.

The picture had been taken the day Gabriel left for Illinois. Sam had sent it to him on the road. Gabriel had printed it out as soon as they’d gotten their printer set up and he’d kept it with him ever since. At first it was a reminder of the life he’d left behind. Then it was just a comfort when the rest of his life got harder. A reminder that he had something perfect once. Something no one could ever take away, even though they had certainly tried.

Sam abruptly left the room for a couple of minutes, returning with Mary on his hip, for a moment unable to meet Gabriel’s eyes.

“You asked me the other night what it was like when you left,” Sam said, his voice muffled and quiet against his chest. “I was heartbroken. And when you said you wanted to stop talking...it broke my heart all over again.”

Gabriel was surprised. He waited while Sam put Mary back in her swing, then he protested, “But we agreed on that, that it was the best thing, right? It wasn’t like it was my idea, you said you thought it would hurt less, too.”

“What was I supposed to say, Gabe?” Sam’s eyes flew up to meet his for the first time. “You said you didn’t wanna talk anymore, was I just supposed to beg you not to stop calling me?”

Gabriel felt a clawing burn in his chest. All this time he’d thought it was a mutual decision. He tried to explain. “Every time we talked, you got sad, Sam. I would be so thrilled just to hear your voice and you would be so miserable. I didn’t wanna hurt you anymore.” His own voice was soft, but full of emotion.

“What do you think not even getting to talk to you anymore did, Gabe?” The pain in Sam’s eyes, the pain that shouldn’t still be there - it was making Gabriel rethink things he couldn’t afford to rethink. He could maybe help Sam, though.

He took a deep breath, let it out slowly and admitted, “I didn’t find it in a box, Sam. That picture has been in my wallet for the last 9 years.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “You...but why?”

“Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing by cutting contact. I wanted to call you every single day and take it back. I planned to, actually. I was gonna call you and just say, ‘let’s talk again, I hate this.’” Gabe shook his head, knowing he was saying more than he should be.

“But then Uriel showed up and he still had our cell numbers. We had to leave town in the middle of the night with one bag each. There was no time to call you before I ditched my phone. I didn’t have your number memorized coz it had always just been programmed in my contacts. Your picture was the only thing that kept me going.”

Sam looked stunned for a minute. Then he stormed over to where Gabe was standing and took his face in both hands. He crushed his mouth to Gabriel’s in a fierce kiss, then he pulled him forward in a tight hug. Gabriel only reciprocated the latter gesture, but he didn’t protest the first. He knew it wasn’t Sam looking for more from him. It was Sam telling him things he couldn’t say in words.

It had been a bad time for both of them.

The hug didn’t last very long. They pulled apart and looked at each other for a moment, neither knowing just what to say. They both jumped when the doorbell rang. Sam headed for the door to get the pizza. They ate it and talked of other things, like Sam’s school work and Gabe’s plans for his business. They didn’t talk about the past again that night. Gabriel wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He wanted to know if Sam had pined away for him the same way he had for Sam, and yet he didn’t know if he could handle knowing, either way.

When it was time for Mary’s bedtime bath, he considered making his excuses, but he didn’t really want to leave. He didn’t know when he’d get to see Sam again and Gabe wanted to spend time with him while he was here. He figured he had several months to get over any feelings that might crop up tonight. He decided he’d allow himself to enjoy their time, just this once, without overthinking it.

Sam looked pensive when he came down the stairs, but as soon as he saw Gabriel, he relaxed and blew out a breath. “I wasn’t sure you’d still be here,” he admitted.

“Neither was I.” Gabe wasn’t sure if honesty was the best idea, but he figured Sam had promised it to him and seemed to be delivering, so he may as well give it a shot.

Sam nodded and said, “Glad you stayed. I’m gonna have a beer, you want anything?”

Gabriel shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind a beer, I guess.”

Sam set the baby monitor on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen. Gabriel just sat there, looking around the room, until he came back and handed him a bottle, cap off. Sam clinked their bottlenecks and took a long swig. Gabriel did his best not to stare at him as he did so. Sam sat down next to him, closer than Gabriel was prepared for.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Sam surprised Gabriel by saying as they drank their beers.

“It’s ok, Sam-O. I can handle a peck on the mouth.” Of course, Gabriel had still felt the tingle in his lips right up until his first sip of beer, but he didn’t say so.

“All those years, I just thought...I dunno, I kinda assumed you’d gotten over me faster than I got over you. Because you were the one who called it off, so...I thought I was the only one missing you, that you weren’t missing me back. It’s nice to know that wasn’t the case.”

“Sam, at the time I really thought we were doing the best thing. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’ve wondered 1000 times whether my life would be a lot different if we’d never done that, if we’d stayed in touch and you’d stayed in my life.”

“Yeah, same here. Not gonna lie, Gabe, those were some lonely years after you left. Dean actually put me in therapy.” Sam laughed. “If you knew how much he hates psychiatrists, you’d know how fucked up he had to have thought I was.”

“Mom wanted to put me in, but I wouldn’t go. She probably would have pushed harder, but we were always moving. Not like I would have been able to stay with the same therapist, anyway. I was, uh...it was a long time before I had another boyfriend.” Gabriel couldn’t meet Sam’s eyes when he said it. He picked at his beer label instead.

“Yeah, well, I never had another one, so beat ya there, Gabe.” Sam smiled, but his eyes were sad. Gabriel couldn’t tell which of them he was sad for.

“You’ve never been with another guy? I mean, you know, not that we were ‘with’ each other, but…”

“No, Gabe, I’ve never had sex with a guy. After you, there was no one at all for several years and then when there was, it was always girls. No one serious at all until Jessica.”

“Wow, that’s...but you still...I mean…”

“Yes, I am still attracted to you. Never found another guy attractive, really, otherwise, there’d have been some. I’m definitely open to it, it just hasn’t happened.” It was Sam’s turn not to make eye-contact. Gabriel was pretty sure he was blushing. “I, uh, I already know I like anal, so…”

‘Um,” Gabriel said, unable to form a complete thought as his entire brain was focused on the image of Sam on all fours that had just popped into his head unbidden with his confession.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Sam’s voice was hushed.

“I, uh...it’s...I don’t…”

Sam laughed, breaking the tension. “Gonna have to use your words, man.”

"How do you, uh, know that, if you've never..."

"Jess and I experimented with pegging." Sam didn't elaborate.

"Oh. That's...wow. Ok." Gabriel floundered for something else to say, something to distract him from the images in his head. "I had one girlfriend. In highschool. Not really my thing, but she did give great head. No pegging, though." _I only dated her because she reminded me of you_ , he didn’t say.

“Uh,” Sam said before laughing. “This is probably not the best conversational topic for us. Does surprise me you were with a girl, though.”

“Yeah, well, everyone goes through a straight phase, I guess,” Gabriel replied, feeling in control enough to smirk again. “It didn’t last long. She knew I was experimenting, so she just did her best to represent for her team and when it didn’t take, we both moved on.”

Sam laughed harder this time. “Best way to do it, I guess.”

“I certainly thought so.” Gabriel was still trying not to thinking about Sam having sex. More specifically, he was trying not to think about Sam having sex with him. It really wasn't working. “I, uh, I really think I should go,” he finally said, when he realized it was a lost cause. He could not have these thoughts while he was this close to Sam and not end up trying to make a move.

“Shit. It’s because of what I said, isn’t it? Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Gabriel wasn’t entirely sure Sam was being truthful about that. He had expressed a lot of interest in them having sex. Why wouldn’t he want to get Gabriel thinking about it? What he said was, “Oh, so you _didn’t_ secretly hope I’d start picturing you naked?” He smirked to show he wasn’t upset.

Sam had the good sense to duck his head. “Ok, yeah, maybe a little.”

That surprised a laugh out of Gabriel. “Sam-O, Sam-O, Sam-O. You are something else.” He shook his head. “I do need to go, though. I’ve got work in the morning, anyway, and it’s just better if I leave.”

“Ok. Yeah. Of course. I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you again before I leave in a few days. If not, you better call me.”

“I will, man, I promise. You call me, too.”

“I will.”

They stood and hugged. Gabriel found he didn’t want to let go. The images of Sam, naked and in the throes of ecstasy flew back into his mind. He tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, but that only filled his nostrils with the scent of Sam. Suddenly he remembered the earlier press of Sam’s lips to his, and their drunken kiss, and he felt a surge of _want_ flow through him. Before he knew what he was doing, he pulled back just enough so that his face was next to Sam’s. Sam turned slightly to look at him and Gabriel turned, too. Their breath mingled and Gabriel found himself leaning forward when he should have been running away.

Sam licked his lips and Gabriel wanted to chase the gesture with his lips. But the look on Sam’s face wasn’t lust, it was longing. So he pulled away, with a muttered apology. Sam looked disappointed, but pulled Gabriel in for another hug.

“It’s cool, Gabe. I’ll talk to you later, ok?” He patted him on the back this time, ending the hug quickly and platonically.

“Yeah, hope so. Sorry again.” He ducked out the door, not daring to look back.

* * *

 

His first night back in California, Sam lay there naked, in the lonely bed of his tiny apartment, remembering the night he'd gotten Gabe drunk. How they had kissed. How they had touched. How much Sam had wanted to keep going. To sink down onto Gabriel's cock with his mouth and then his ass.

He groaned and reached down to stroke his erection. He thought about that kiss and Gabe's hands exploring him. He pretended it was Gabe's hand on him now. That Gabe's other hand was rolling in circles over his balls.

He avoided the head, stroking mainly on the base for now. He rubbed his balls and squeezed them. When it got really intense, he moaned and lifted a leg so he could rub lightly over his ass. He pictured Gabe's face between his thighs, fingers teasing his hole while his mouth sucked him down. Sam's cock was large, but he suspected Gabe knew how to deep throat. He pictured Gabe's neck working around him.

What sent him over the edge, though, was picturing those whiskey eyes staring up at him, that smirk still in place even as those lips stretched wide around his cock, one eyebrow raised in challenge. Sam's strokes sped up. He was fucking his hand now, other hand working back and forth between balls and ass. He was moaning and panting, writhing on the bed. It felt so good, Gabe looked so good sucking him off and he couldn't take it anymore.

It had been a while and he shot come onto his chest in hot thick stripes. Even after he came, he toyed with himself, milking every last drop of pleasure and come from his body until his shudders subsided.

* * *

 

Sam had been back to school for a few weeks when his phone woke him at 1am. Once he finally broke into consciousness enough to realize what it was, he was scared. When he saw it was Gabe and not Dean or Cas he relaxed a little, but not much. He and Gabe had been talking often, but not in several days and never this late. He didn’t know what would prompt a late night phone call like this.

"Gabe? What's up, man? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Sam, I know I should've texted or something to see if you were awake, but I needed to talk to somebody and I just started dialing."

Sam didn't like how frantic his voice sounded. "Hey, man, it's not a problem. Talk to me."

"Nightmares. About...back then. Not just one dream, but a bunch of them. Couldn't seem to wake myself up. I usually only get them like this with migraines, but tonight there's no headache, so there's no super pain medication to take the edge off my panic, either." Sam heard a sound that might have been a sigh or might have been Gabe starting to cry.

"Do you wanna talk about it? Tell me about the dreams?"

Gabriel's laugh was manic. "God, this is so stupid. I haven't told you what happened, and I don't want to and unless I do, I can't tell you about the dreams, so just what the fuck do I think you can do for me?"

"Well, if I can't listen, then I can talk," Sam said, reasonably.

"...what?" The fact he was confused and not mocking Sam spoke to Gabriel's state of mind.

"Let me talk to you about something else. Take your mind off of it."

"Oh. Yeah, that, uh, that actually sounds good. Why didn't I think of that? I shoulda thought of that. I'm so stu-"

"Sh-Sh-Sh," Sam interrupted. "No talk. Just listen."

Sam talked for two hours. He spent the time telling Gabe about his week, telling him stories from before he'd come to Stanford and just talking to him about whatever came to mind. He would have kept going, but Gabriel started yawning and Sam followed suit.

"Thanks, Samsam. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now. You really, really helped. I...just thanks."

Knowing that tomorrow Gabe might well regret his vulnerability tonight, Sam kept his answer light. "Make it up to me by having a sex dream about me. Remember, the safe word is banana hammock."

Gabe gave a startled laugh. "Are you ever not an asshole?"

"Not as far as I know. Goodnight, tiny man."

"Goodnight, freakish giant."

* * *

 

Gabriel wasn’t happy with himself lately. Even more unhappy than usual, that was. He’d called Sam in the middle of the night and that was embarrassing enough. He knew that was what friends were for allegedly, but that didn’t make him like it any more. On top of that, though, the guy was all he could think about. Or, rather, his body was. Ever since Sam had told him about pegging, he’d been unable to get the idea of Sam in bed out of his mind.

He didn’t understand it. He’d assumed all this time that Sam was just bisexual and that his last attachment had just happened to have been female. It had never occurred to him that Sam hadn’t been with a man. He hadn’t really thought much about Sam having anal sex when Gabriel had been pretty sure Sam had been having it. Somehow, though, knowing he’d never been with another guy made it hotter to think about. Gabriel thought part of it was the idea that no other man had ever touched his ass, no man had ever been inside him. He’d let Jessica use a strapon on him, so he wasn’t an anal virgin, but still. That was certainly partly the reason Gabe couldn’t let it go.

The bigger part was just that Sam had brought it up - and with the sole purpose of letting Gabriel know Sam wanted _him_ , that he wanted _Gabe_ in that way - when he hadn’t wanted another guy in that way, ever. Gabriel maybe liked it a little too much, knowing that he was the only guy Sam Winchester had ever wanted. It made him feel special and it made Gabriel want him back even more than he already had. He was having a harder and harder time - literally - remembering why he shouldn’t take that particular joy. Sam was a big boy. He knew how friends with benefits worked, Gabriel began to assure himself. Gabriel wasn’t responsible if the guy fell for him, right?

Part of him knew that wasn’t quite the truth, but it wasn’t the part of him he currently had in hand. Thoughts of Sam were really getting in the way of his life, at this point, as evidenced by the fact that he was jerking off in the bathroom at home during his lunch break. His resolve to keep Sam at arm’s length was beginning to waver. He was very much afraid that if he didn’t scratch this particular itch when Sam came back to town, things might get even worse. The fact that he was considering making up a business trip to California just so he could fly out there and do it sooner told him how far gone he was.

He thought of Sam’s huge hands, pawing at his body desperately, the way they had when they’d had their drunken kiss. Then he thought about him down on all fours, back arching as Gabriel drove his cock home over and over again. He came into the tissue in his hand and Gabriel leaned heavily against the wall. When his limbs were working again, the guilt washed over him. He was just thankful no one knew about the pervert running home from the candy store to wank it on his break. He reflected that maybe it was time to buy more curtains for the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems a little warm in here. Is it warm in here? *fans self* *passes out more fans to commenters* ♥


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabe's relationship dynamic changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the late posting! I have family visiting and I had it on my mind earlier today, but then I just completely forgot today was the day. So, my apologies. 
> 
> **Attn: This chapter is all kinds of hella smutty.** Now, while I know most of you are totally excited by that, I also learned I have ace's reading this, so that's kind of a warning for you guys. It's not _the whole_ chapter? But it kind of goes back and forth from not smutty to smutty for the whole thing. So you should be aware of that. If it's too much and you have to skip it, leave me a comment and I"ll give you a brief, non-sexy synopsis so you won't be confused next chapter, ok?
> 
> art by netherwings.tumblr.com

Sam was just gearing up for another session of self love the next time Gabriel called him. He debated not answering, but he really wanted to talk to him. He picked up the phone. If his greeting was a little breathless, he hoped it wasn’t obvious.

“Hey, Samford, you busy?”

“Nah, just laying here.”

“Um, ok,” Gabriel said in a tone that suggested he had noticed how out of breath Sam was. Instead of pushing the matter, he asked, “How’s it hanging?”

“Up and to the right,” Sam couldn’t resist saying.

“I see.” He sounded annoyed. “Sam-O, am I interrupting something?”

“No, not at all. How’ve you been?”

Gabriel groaned, as if frustrated by knowing Sam’s response wasn’t the truth. The sound unfortunately went straight to Sam’s dick and he gasped a little before he could bite it back. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“Sam,” Gabriel said very quietly. “Were you jerking off when I called?”

Sam considered laughing him off. Instead he said, “No. I hadn’t really started yet.”

Gabriel sighed and Sam was disturbed to find that that noise, too, was somehow erotic right now. He couldn’t help stroking himself lightly to ease the ache.

“Why the hell did you pick up the phone, man? I’ll let you go.”

“Or you could help me.” The instant the words were out of his mouth, Sam regretted them. “Sorry, Gabe. Shit.”

Sam heard a whispered “Fuck!” over the phone, but otherwise Gabe said nothing for a long time. “Are you trying to drive me insane, Sam? Are you trying to torture me?”

“No, Gabe, I’m sorry, I just...no blood in my brain, I didn’t mean - ”

Gabriel let out a high pitched sound that might have been a laugh. He seemed not to have heard Sam. “You know, I can’t stop thinking about you as it is. Ever since you told me about pegging, it’s like you flipped a switch in my head. I just keep picturing you naked. I keep thinking about that stupid kiss and the... _fuck!_ Why am I telling you any of this?” Then he huffed a small, sad sound that was definitely a laugh. “Oh, right. Because part of me wants to be the voice that gets you off tonight.”

Sam sucked in a surprised breath. He didn’t know whether he should speak, but he was afraid to say anything. He wanted to know what Gabe would do next, if he just stayed quiet, but his conscience wouldn’t let him. “Gabe, I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to - “

“But that _is_ what you really want, right, Sam? Huh? You want me to tell you about how I jack off constantly now. And that every time I touch myself now, I’m thinking about bending you over and sliding my cock into your ass. That’s what you wanna hear, right?”

Sam felt every word in his cock. His hand was working in earnest now. Gabe’s words were like fingers, ghosting over his skin. “Please, Gabe,” he choked out breathlessly. “ _Please_.”

“God, I can’t stop, Sam,” Gabe said quietly. Sam thought he heard a zipper, but he wasn’t sure if it was just wishful thinking. “I stand at my counter at work, minding my own business and a vision of your ass pops into my head. People come in to buy lollipops for their kids and I’m standing there trying to hide my raging hardon. Most of the time, I make it until the end of the day. Other days, I have to go home for lunch to get myself off.”

Sam was panting now, torn between getting off and just hearing more about the effect he’d been having on Gabe. “What...do you think about?” His voice was much deeper and more ragged than it normally was. He knew Gabe could tell how wrecked he was and he didn’t care.

“I think about your hands, all over me. Then I think about you bracing yourself with them as you’re bent over a table or a couch - or just on all fours on the bed. But always, with that pert little ass of yours turned up for me. Then I think about _my_ hands, opening you up. Getting you ready, flicking over that little joy buzzer inside you.” Gabe groaned and it was the first indication Sam had of how affected he was by their conversation.

“I think about it, too, Gabe. I think about that kiss. The way your hands were all over me. The way you ground your cock up against me. And I want it inside me. I wanna feel it, filling me up, your hips pounding against my ass cheeks.” He let out a whimper. “I want it so bad, Gabe, want you to fuck me.”

To Sam’s surprise, it was Gabriel who came first. He struggled to catch up because he knew play time would end as soon as Gabe came down from his post-coital high. He remembered the things Gabe had said and spiraled out and over, a white volcano erupting over his fingers.

“Shouldn’t have done that, Sam-O,” Gabe said in a muffled, sleepy voice. “Such a bad idea, but fuck, I just can’t get you out of my head. Stupid. I know. I’m starting to think the only way to get you out of my head is to actually sleep with you. But I know that’s a bad idea. Need you as a friend.”

“We can sleep together and still be friends, Gabe. No strings.”

“Can we, Samsam? You sure?”

“I’m all grown up, Gabe. I can handle it.” He wasn’t sure if it was true, but he hoped it was.

Gabriel sighed and Sam wasn't sure if he was going to say anything more. He wanted to push for an answer as to whether Gabe was going to allow their relationship to get physical. Well, more physical than phone sex, Sam guessed was more accurate. It would still be a month before he got back to Kansas, but he would have something to look forward to.

On the other hand, he also did not want to push, in case that drove Gabe back to thinking the risk was too great.

"What are you doing this weekend?"

Sam thought the topic change was abrupt, but he went with it. "Not much. Just work on Saturday."

"I've got a conference in San Jose on Monday. I could come up early."

Sam's heart started pounding. "Yeah? You mean so we could, uh..." Sam was normally not shy about this stuff. He didn't know why he was stumbling now. He was afraid it was the fact that Gabriel said he didn't date, he fucked, and some part of Sam was protesting that idea because it was Gabe. "Fuck?" he forced himself to say, ignoring the tiny voice of dissent.

"No, Samford, I thought we'd macramé."

Sam could practically hear the smirk and he laughed a little.

"Oh, thank God. Short people freak me out when they're naked."

"Asshole."

Just like that, things were normal between them again, in spite of the fact that they’d just had pretty good phone sex and were talking about having the real kind. Sam didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Did it mean their friendship wouldn’t suffer? Or that his heart was in danger of doing just that?

Either way, the next few days passed quickly. Before Sam knew it, Friday had arrived and he was struggling to get through his classes until it was time to pick Gabe up. When at last he was finally on his way to the airport, Ash called and told him he needed him desperately for the late shift. Sam wasn’t happy, but he agreed. He could really use the money. Gabe could hang out with him at the bar, at least, so it wasn’t like he’d really be missing out on time with him.

Thankfully, Gabe was totally cool about it. “Yeah, man, that’s fine. Gives me a chance to acclimate myself to my surroundings before things get weird,” he told Sam with his standard expression, adding an eyebrow wiggle for effect.

“Jackass,” Sam responded, but he was smiling. He was still tingling a bit from the hug they’d shared. Somehow, knowing why Gabe was here was giving even the innocent contact of a hello hug different implications. Suddenly, those touches were charged with something else. Possibilities as much as desire, maybe.

“It’s what you love best about me, Sam-O, admit it.”

Sam just shook his head and laughed as he pulled out onto the road. They stopped by his apartment so he could change. Gabriel made some lewd innuendos while Sam got dressed in the bathroom - which Sam had really enjoyed - and then they headed to the bar.

“Sam the Sham! Thanks for coming, man,” Ash said as Sam and Gabe got to the bar. “Hey, dude, I’m Ash. Sorry to steal your friend tonight, but you hang here, grab a beer, watch the deer, we clear?” He was laughing as he shook Gabe’s hand and Sam smiled at the way Gabe was obviously reeling from the Ash effect. “Whatchoo want to drink, my friend?”

Gabe ordered a beer and Sam got his apron on. The bar wasn’t incredibly crowded yet, but it was headed that way. Soon enough it got loud, but Sam didn’t mind. He’d grown used to it. Gabe seemed ok with it, too. They didn’t get to have any long conversations, but they did get to talk quite a bit. They were getting easier with each other. Gabriel’s flirting, which had already been more intense than usual, became less and less veiled as the evening wore on.

“Sam-O, those are good jeans,” he told him as Sam set down his second beer.

“Oh, yeah?” Sam asked over his shoulder, somewhat distracted by the drink he had to make next.

“Oh, yeah.”

Sam blushed when he realized that Gabe was openly staring at his ass. The warmth of the blush also spread to other places. He smiled to himself as he worked on mixing. Just before he walked away, he said, “Good. I wore them especially for you.”

The shift went by more quickly than usual. Sam was starting to feel nervous as they drove back to his place. He was pretty sure that the niceties would be over when they got back to his apartment. He was ready but not ready. He’d been waiting a long time for this night, really. He’d wanted Gabriel as long as he could remember. Tonight he was going to have him.

True to his suspicions, when Sam went to unlock the door, Gabe’s hand suddenly gripped his ass, thumb stroking the muscle. Sam got them inside and got the door shut and then Gabe had him pressed against it, both his hands on Sam’s ass now. Sam grabbed Gabe’s face in both his hands and pulled him up for a rough and messy kiss.

“Fuck, Sam,” Gabe said as they pulled away. “I’ve waited all night to be able to do that.”

“I think you mean months,” was Sam’s response as he went in for another kiss. His tongue slipped in and licked at the hidden spaces of Gabe’s mouth, exploring, caressing. He slid his tongue over Gabe’s and Gabe flicked back, sliding his tongue deeper into Sam’s mouth hungrily.

“Fair enough,” Gabe panted as he struggled to remove Sam’s shirt. “Just so we are clear, I don’t bottom,” he said as he licked a stripe up Sam’s flat, trembling stomach.

“I never...guh...I never expected you to,” Sam hitched out, his voice high and trembling as Gabe’s mouth worked over his skin.

“God, look at you,” Gabe said reverently as Sam finally pulled his shirt over his head and off.

Sam couldn’t believe this was actually happening, but he was quickly losing the ability to think about it. Gabe’s hands and mouth were roaming wherever they wanted to go and while Sam’s own mouth wasn’t able to do the same, his hands were exploring everywhere he could reach on Gabe’s body. It was just as mind-blowing as the last time. More so, actually, because there was no guilt waiting to jump out. This was ok with both of them. Gabe wanted him as much as he wanted Gabe.

He didn’t even think about the newness of Gabe’s body, how different it was from everyone else he’d ever touched. He had dreamed of touching Gabe for so long that it almost seemed more normal than the women he’d been with. Jessica blipped into his head and nearly stilled his hands, but then he realized, she had known all about Gabe. She wouldn’t mind this at all. If anything, she’d be happy for him. He smiled against Gabe’s mouth as he dipped down for another kiss.

* * *

 

“I’ve got a conference in San Jose on Monday,” Gabriel heard himself lie into the phone, not quite able to believe he was doing this. And Sam was agreeing. Then he was calling Sam an asshole and Gabriel thought maybe it would be all right. He was still struggling to believe he’d just had phone sex with his best friend. Because that had been 9 kinds of stupid, right? Only, if it meant they were now going to have actual sex, the kind Gabriel had literally been dreaming about for weeks...maybe it hadn’t been so stupid?

He knew he was the one who hadn’t wanted to go down this road, but he’d started to realize that having sex with Sam was probably the only other way to get over his obsession with wanting to have sex with Sam. The first way being to stop talking to Sam and slowly forget all about him. Gabriel couldn’t do that. Sam was his best friend now. He needed him in his life and, more to the point, he wanted him there. And Sam felt the same, he knew.

He hadn’t intended to tell his father what he was doing, but Thaz was far too intuitive for his own good. As soon as Gabriel called and told him he was taking a weekend trip, he was all questions. Pointed questions, designed to suss out the truth of Gabriel’s sudden interest in vacations.

“Well, where are you going, Gabriel? You don’t like to travel.”

“I’m...going to a candy conference.”

“No, you’re not. Where are you going, really? Location, Gabriel. Come on, tell Daddy the truth.”

“Gross, don’t call yourself that, it’s so creepy. I’m going to an exhibition in San Francisco.”

“An exhibition? What exhibition? A Sam Winchester’s genitals exhibition?”

“DAD! Don’t...that’s...fuck, you’re disgusting.”

“Ah-HA! Which means I’m _right_! And anyway, my dear boy, you love me.” He continued in a baby voice designed to annoy, “Yes, you do, you love Daddy, don’t you, Gabriel?”

“Will you please shut your sick mouth, Pops?” Gabriel sighed and told him the truth. “I am going to visit Sam, ok? Does that make you happy?” Then he smirked and decided to turn the tables a bit. “I am going to see Sam and, hopefully, also yes his gentials, and we are going to rut around together naked and - “

“All right, all right, all right, _enough_ , Gabriel. Is this a purely sexual visit or are you two being sensible and actually going to start dating?”

“Fuck buddies, I believe is the term.”

“You are quite a jackass, my boy, are you aware of this?”

“I’ve heard it mentioned, once or twice.”

“Whatever, I am glad you’ve decided to do something other than pine for the boy.”

“I have never once pined for...ok, when I was a kid, yeah, but adult Gabriel does not pine.”

“Whatever you say, darling. Have a nice trip, ok?” His father sounded more sincere on the last words and Gabriel’s face softened into a smile.

“I will, Dad. Thank you.”

“And for heaven’s sake, show the boy a good time. I’m a world-renowned lover. You’ve got the family reputation to uphold here.”

“I just don’t know why Mom didn’t snap you back up when she had the chance.”

“Well, clearly all those years alone with you drove her quite mad and dulled her mind.”

“I love you, Dad.”

“As I love you, Gabriel.”

Then, somehow, Gabriel was on a plane headed west. He’d never been a nervous flier, but suddenly, his palms were sweating and his knees were weak as he boarded. Then his stomach was all in flutters until they touched down. At that point, his entire nervous system went into riot mode. When he saw Sam waiting for him, all smiles and sexiness, though, his jitters subsided. When Sam wrapped his arms around him, the nerves became heat. That heat built slowly over the evening, until it was a raging fire by the time they reached the door to Sam’s apartment.

Gabriel took charge as best he could. It was a little more difficult to do than he was used to because of the height difference. Difficult, but not impossible. Before long, his mind all but shorted out. He could see - drinking in the glory that was Sam’s body; hear - basking in the song that was Sam’s chorus of moans and gasps; feel and taste - skin salty against his tongue, the rasp of denim on his palms; smell - the heady, woody musk that was 100% Sam.

The only thing he could not do was think. Not about how stupid this was or ill-advised or how it didn’t just feel like fucking. All those thoughts might come later, but for now, there was only sensory input. Some dim part of him was grateful, but even that was subconscious. He was primal now. As close to feral as he had ever been. He had wanted for so long. Now he was having. It was glorious.

Finally, they were naked and falling onto the bed. For a while, they continued to be nothing but sensations. Gradually, Gabriel had to pull back in order to move forward. Prep was not something that he could do in a hurry or mindlessly. It was very important to him and he had to do it right. Especially for Sam, who had never had this before.

“Are you sure you want what comes next, Samsam?” He cringed internally at his use of the nickname, knowing it was the one from childhood that he had normally reserved for very special moments. He realized he’d been using it a lot lately and he knew that wasn’t so good, but for now he was able to shove that thought aside as he waited for Sam’s answer.

“Yes. I want it, Gabe. I want you.” Sam’s voice was high and hoarse and soft.

“Are you ready, then?”

“Yes. _Please_.”

Gabe handed him a condom from his pocket on the floor, laying another and the bottle of lube out on the bed, too.

“Turn over,” Gabriel said, then marveled at the muscular physique on display before him. He was in bed with a bronze statue come to life. Sam’s ass alone would have inspired the sculptors and painters of old - or perhaps made them throw down their tools and give up art forever, despairing that they could ever recreate such perfection.

Immediately after thinking these thoughts, Gabriel acknowledged he might be getting a little carried away in his appreciation for Sam’s glutes. Then he looked at Sam’s ass again and decided he didn’t much care. The swell of it was just the right size, neither too round or too lean. It was the exact right balance between soft and muscular as well. It was the same tan as the rest of him and Gabriel didn’t even care that that meant it was probably a lame spray tan. There was not a mark or blemish on it, except for one tiny mole, just above his right cheek.

He found himself bending down to press a kiss to the mole. Then he bit and kissed his way all over the insanely gorgeous butt in front of him. Next, he squeezed a thick cheek in each hand, gently massaging. He rubbed deep lines with his thumbs, up and down the sides where the cheeks met, from just above the thigh to a few inches above there. Finally, he began pulling the cheeks apart and pressing them back together, rhythmically.

He pulled the cheeks further apart and started to reach for the lube, but then stopped. He was possessed by an urge he’d never had before. He thought about how he was about to take a first from Sam. He wanted to give Sam a first of his own, but he couldn’t give him the same first, since he’d wasted that long ago. Instead, he leaned down and slid his tongue over the rim of Sam’s hole.

“Gabe?” Sam’s voice was breathy and wrecked.

Gabriel had never done this before, never even wanted to try it. But Sam’s ass, every part of it, was beautiful. Just like the rest of Sam was, Gabe thought. “This ok, Sam? I’ve never done this, but...for you I wanted to, all right?”

He waited until Sam’s hoarse, “Yeah, Gabe, it’s...it’s good,” before continuing.

He spread the cheeks wider and flicked his tongue up and down, caressing gently at first, then slowly becoming more insistent as Sam began to whimper and whine into the pillow. Finally, he plunged just the tip of his tongue into the larger man and heard him suck in a breath. Sam began to rock his hips back into the touch.

Gabriel let go of one cheek in order to slide his fist over Sam’s cock. Correction, Sam’s _massive_ cock. Once again Gabriel was struck by an urge with which he was unfamiliar. He suddenly wanted to know what that huge dick would feel like inside him. He wouldn’t find out - he didn’t do that anymore - but he wondered, all the same.

Now Gabriel's tongue was sliding up and down between the rim of Sam’s ass and the line where his balls met the base of his cock. Sam’s hips were rocking, not only driving his dick into Gabe’s hand, but also directing what part of him Gabriel’s tongue reached. Then Gabriel held his head steady and started sliding his tongue in and out of the tightly puckered hole in a slow fucking motion.

Sam’s voice was somewhere between a moan and a sigh and he moved against Gabe’s mouth. After a few minutes of the tongue-fucking, he whined, “Gabe...not gonna make it till you’re inside me if...you keep doing that...please…”

But Gabriel didn’t feel like stopping. He wanted to shake Sam Winchester apart at the seams and then climb on top and slide inside and do it all over again. So he didn’t stop. He kept up the motion of his tongue, adding slow swirls every few strokes. He held and stroked Sam’s cock with one hand and then - using his face to keep the cheeks apart for his tongue, he slid his other hand down to squeeze and stroke Sam’s ever-tightening balls.

“Unh, Gabe, I...unnnnhh, please...I...fuckohfuckohfuckyesGabefuckyes!” And with that, he was coming, filling the reservoir tip of the condom and pulling away from Gabe’s tongue to chase the final sensations Gabriel’s hand could provide instead. When it was over, Gabriel pulled back and gently stroked his hands up and down the swell of Sam’s ass again.

He was not about to cuddle, so instead told Sam he’d be right back and went to the bathroom to steal some mouthwash. He didn’t want to kiss Sam after what he’d just done until he’d cleaned his mouth again, anyway. And he definitely wanted to kiss Sam again. He swished and spit a couple of times, then rinsed with water a few times. Then he drank a couple of handfuls of water because he had worked up a mighty thirst with all that not swallowing he’d done for those few minutes.

When he came back out, Sam was lying on his side, facing him. His arm was draped casually over his hip, his other hand bracing his head up. He was so beautiful, especially when he smiled at Gabriel, that it caught Gabe’s breath. He walked quickly over to the bed and gathered Sam close, kissing him deeply. When Sam’s hand came down and gripped his cock, Gabriel’s moan was low and deep.

Sam’s movements were awkward and unsure - he’d never done that before, after all - but they were very effective on Gabriel. Apparently Sam was enjoying it as well because it wasn’t long before Gabriel felt Sam’s hardon brushing against his own as Sam stroked him. Gabriel fumbled for the lube he had left out earlier and eventually found the condom, too. It was difficult to achieve because he didn’t want to let go of Sam’s mouth to do it. Those lips and that tongue were the opposite of awkward and unsure and they were slowly undoing him as surely as Sam’s hand was.

He managed to slick up his fingers and reached down with one hand for Sam’s cock and with the other, he slowly rubbed between Sam’s cheek until he was brushing back and forth over his hole. Sam gasped into Gabriel’s mouth as Gabe’s fingertip slipped inside. Gabriel just left it there for a minute, as he concentrated on kissing and on stroking. He moved it inside gradually, millimeter by millimeter, but he suspected Sam didn’t even notice until he reached his middle knuckle.

As he started to press forward again, Gabriel pressed his thumb against Sam’s perineum, seeking to touch his prostate from the outside. Sam gasped again and pulled back out of the kiss to look at Gabriel with wide eyes and mouth, letting Gabe know he’d hit the spot perfectly. Gabe worked Sam open with his fingers slowly and gently, using his thumb and hand provide distraction whenever there was any stretching required.

“How do you want to do this, Sam? On all fours or with you on top will probably be most comfortable for your first time, but if you want, we can go gay missionary.” He smirked a little.

“Want you on top, where I can see you,” Sam gasped out. He pulled Gabe down onto his chest as he rolled onto his back.

* * *

Sam didn’t know what any of this was like for Gabe. Maybe it was always like this for him. For Sam, sex had always been about the person and not the act itself. He had never experienced this kind of heat before, not even with Jessica. He had loved Jessica and they’d had passion, but it had never been quite like this. There was a mind-numbing fire in his gut that he couldn’t seem to control. He wanted to look and savor and pay attention because this was _Gabe_ he was finally touching, but, even after he’d already had one orgasm, the need was too great.

And what a first orgasm it had been. He’d never experienced rimming before. No one had ever even suggested it as a possibility and he had never thought to ask. When Gabe’s tongue had first touched him, it had felt like nothing else, ever. Sam had no point of reference. It was shocking, and intimate and fucking amazing. To hear it was Gabe’s first time to do it had made him want it even more. Gabe’s natural skill belied his inexperience.

Sam was surprised by the speed with which he had come. He had wanted to wait for Gabe, but evidently, Gabriel had other plans. Sam didn’t mind. His refractory period was pretty good normally. He had a feeling with Gabe it would be even shorter and he was proven correct very soon.

He appreciated Gabe’s minty breath when he returned to the bed. Then they both got lost in the feeling for a while and he didn’t really take in anything other than _pleasuregoodwantmore_. Then Gabriel had taken hold of his cock and touched his ass again and Sam was focused once again. He was surprised how easily Gabe had breached him with the first half of his finger. He’d been so concentrated on what Gabe’s other hand was doing he hadn’t noticed the movement. He had always noticed with Jess, but he had no doubt Gabe had had plenty more practice than she had.

When the thumb pressed into his prostate, Sam thought he might lose him mind. He felt white hot lightning shoot through him, from dick to brain and he thought he might be dying. The things Gabriel was doing with his hands and fingers and thumb were taking him apart piece by piece. He was loving every minute of it. None of it felt strange. It wasn’t as though it was the first time he’d experienced ass play, after all. But having Gabe do it was different.

Gabe was actually, truly, getting off on it. Not just on the act itself, but on Sam’s reactions to it. Sam knew he was fumbling when it came to Gabe’s cock, but he tried to mimic Gabe’s actions and learn from them. Either way, whenever Sam moaned at a new finger or writhed because of the press of a thumb, Gabe’s cock gave a twitch independent of Sam’s stroking of it.

He tried to focus on Gabe’s voice giving him options. On all fours was out. That was how it had been with Jessica and he needed this to be different. He wasn’t sure he was capable of being on top this time, either. That left Gabe on top and Sam was glad because he wanted to see Gabe’s face as he slid inside. He wanted to watch Gabe’s expressions as they both came apart at the seams. He pulled Gabe down and slid his hands everywhere he could reach as he kissed him, enveloping Gabriel in his embrace.

He felt the push of Gabe’s head against his hole and raised his hips to meet it, forcing the tip inside. It was different than fingers, different than the strapon. It was hot and soft and thick and electric against him. Gabe pulled back from the kiss as he pressed forward. Sam raised his leg to grant him easier access and it changed the angle significantly. Gabe’s cock hit his prostate, shot that lightning through him again and Sam shouted. Gabe’s smirk was feral now as he rocked his hips forward to drive all the way in.

“You like that, Sam?”

“Yes, yes, shit,” Sam managed to gasp out as Gabe deliberately rocked in and out over the spot. Sam thought he might pass out from the sheer amount of feeling. He felt tears prick his eyes and he pulled Gabe down for a kiss so that maybe he wouldn’t see.

Gabriel pulled back enough to murmur against his lips, "'s ok, Samsam, 's normal." Then Gabe groaned into the kiss as he sank back inside Sam all the way.

Sam couldn't believe how incredible it felt to have Gabriel's cock sliding inside him. Pegging had been good, great even. This, on the other hand, was beyond words. He pulled out of the kiss to make eye contact. It was probably on Gabriel's list of "just fucking" no-no's, but Sam didn't care. He wanted to share this moment with his best friend, if he would let him.

To Sam's surprise, Gabe didn't look away. If anything, the eye contact spurred him on and he pounded into Sam with even more abandon. He was still hitting Sam's sweet spot on almost every thrust. Then he pushed up, straightening his arms so that he could look down and see where they joined. The look on his face made Sam wish that he could see, too.

After a moment the weight of Gabe returned as he relaxed down onto one arm. He took the other hand to reach between them and play with Sam's cock. It was too much and Sam came again, crying Gabe's name, come landing hot against his own chest. Probably Gabe's hand, too.

He faded out for a moment. When he came to, Gabriel looked first enthralled, then troubled. Then it hit Sam. Neither of them had remembered a condom for Sam this time until it was too late.

"I'm clean, Gabe, I've been tested. I can show you later."

But Gabe wasn't listening. He was staring down at the come cooling on Sam's skin with a look of lust so wild it had Sam's dick twitching feebly at the sight. Sam didn't know if Gabe wanted to lick it off or paint Sam with his own, but he wanted something.

"Do you want to come on me?"

"Fuck yes," Gabe whispered harshly.

"Do it," Sam said.

"But Sam, I - "

"Have you been tested?"

"Of course, but - "

"Do it. Come on me, Gabe," he challenged.

Gabriel pulled out and removed his condom. He looked at Sam once more for confirmation. Sam nodded, then asked, "Do you need a little help?"

Gabe glanced at Sam's mouth, licking his lips. He nodded and scooted forward. Sam sat up and licked at Gabe's cock a few times before sliding his mouth over it. Given his inexperience, he thought it best to give Gabe the lead. He pulled Gabe's hips forward and let him rock into his mouth.

Gabe panted and moaned above him while Sam concentrated on keeping his lips tight. And on not gagging. He found he enjoyed the sensation of dick in his mouth. He'd been told that blowjobs were enjoyable to the giver, but he'd never really believed it. Now he knew for sure.

“Oh, fuck, Sam!” Gabe said as he pulled out.

He hurriedly moved back as he stroked himself, making eye contact with Sam until he came, eyes going wide and then rolling back until they closed. Once he opened them again, Sam watched Gabe watch himself painting stripes across Sam’s chest. Sam felt every drop as it hit him, but he only had eyes for Gabe’s face. His mouth was open slightly, his eyes were dark and wild. His breath was ragged and his cheeks were flushed. Sweat beaded on his brow.

As he stroked himself through the aftershocks, Gabe bent down and captured Sam’s mouth in another kiss. Apparently forgetting himself, he pressed them too close together and Sam felt their mingled release get pressed between their chests. He supposed a shower was in order after this. Although, as boneless as he felt, maybe a warm damp cloth would have to do.

For the moment, he just kissed and let himself be kissed. It was no longer fiery, but languid. He wanted it to be tender, but he didn’t let himself try to make it that. He was reminded of the time they kissed on the top of the ferris wheel - the thrill of the kiss and the added fear of the great height beneath them. This felt a lot like that, as though his feelings had him poised to fall. On the other hand, he knew that only heartbreak lay in those kinds of thoughts. So he shut them down.

“That,” Gabe said breathlessly a few minutes later. “Was fucking awesome.” He slid his thumb down Sam’s jawline and asked, “It was, um, a good first time for you, right? No pain or anything? I tried to make sure, but...” He trailed off, eyes showing a little worry that his passion had gotten the better of him.

“It was phenomenal, Gabriel. Seriously. No pain at all. Just pleasure. Promise.” Sam kissed him to emphasize the point. Then he smiled, hoping that it just looked satisfied and not sappy. The last thing he wanted was for Gabe to pull away or start to regret this.

“Good, I’m...that’s good,” Gabe said, smiling with out a hint of smirk. He pressed a kiss to Sam’s forehead, which Sam tried really hard not to read into. “You ready to get cleaned up? I’ll get us a hand towel from the bathroom.”

Sam was grateful for the moment alone to compose himself. When Gabe had asked him if it had been good, had looked at him with such concern, he had felt his earlier tears wanting to return. He wasn’t a cryer and he didn’t like that Gabe was able to do this to him. He was afraid he had just made a colossal error in judgement, thinking he could be just fuck buddies with Gabe. Deep down, had he really believed it?

Maybe, he thought, when the post-coital glow had passed he would feel less sappy and sentimental. After all, it _was_ his first time getting fucked in the ass. Maybe that just made him more emotional than hetero sex where he did the entering. It hadn’t when he’d gotten pegged, but then Jessica hadn’t mercilessly rubbed his prostate until he’d nearly come undone, either.

“Fuck you have no right to be that sexy, Sam,” Gabriel informed him when he got out of the bathroom.

“Well, you know,” Sam teased, aiming to lighten his mood. “You _did_ only get to have one to my two. If you wanted to go again…”

“Don’t fucking tempt me,” Gabe said as he started cleaning Sam’s chest, but Sam had already seen the reaction his words had on Gabriel’s dick. “Shit. Too late, you’ve already tempted _him_ ,” Gabe said, smirking again.

“Yeah, well, I like him better anyway.”

“Oh, yeah?” Gabe laughed. “Thanks.”

“Hey, what can I say? He’s a lot easier to convince than you are. It’s a turn on.”

“Please, we both know how bad you wanted a piece of this before you even _saw_ him.” Gabriel’s smile was impish. He finished wiping Sam down. Then he sobered. “Pretty sure you’ll be too sore if we go again, though. And I know your mouth has to be tired.”

“Well, I’ve still got two hands, but, uh, there’s always intercrural.”

“I’m sorry, what now? Your vocabulary is plenty sexy, but it helps when I actually know what you’re talking about.”

“Thigh fucking.”

“Oh.” Gabriel looked thoughtful for a minute, then shrugged. “Never tried it, but if you’re up for it…”

“Come here.” Sam pulled Gabe in for a kiss, throwing the wet towel across the room in the general direction of the bathroom. He bit and sucked and Gabe’s lower lip, then skimmed his hands over his torso and down to where his cock hung heavy and wet-tipped. He started stroking, the motions more familiar this time and his own dick started to stir lazily. He didn’t think he had a third orgasm in him, but it was nice to know that it was an option.

“God, Sam, how can you be that good at that?”

“I’m not, you’re just that hot for me and this sexy bod,” he teased as his thumb rubbed precome in a circle. He nipped at Gabriel’s ear and heard his breathing quicken. He expected Gabe to come back with a joke, but apparently, his sense of humor was lost somewhere south of his waist.

“Shut up and fucking kiss me again,” Gabe commanded in a wrecked voice.

It didn’t take long before Gabe was ready to move between Sam’s thighs. He helped Sam up on all fours and then Sam felt him slide between his legs. He hadn’t known how erotic it might feel for him, but he found he liked it. It was enjoyable in a similar way to how giving a blowjob was, but not exactly. His cock was definitely awake again now and growing harder with each thrust from Gabriel. Soon the leaking tip of Gabe’s cock was rubbing along the bottom of his shaft.

“Ah, fuck, Gabe, that feels good.”

“Yeah. Fuck yeah.” Gabe’s hands gripped his thighs. Then he felt a thumb teasing his hole again. He pressed his thighs more tightly together, trapping the thumb between his cheeks. Gabe gasped out, “Fuck, Sam, so good, so fucking good.”

Sam reached down and stroked himself where Gabe wasn’t touching. His fingers would brush against Gabe’s head whenever it slipped through. He could hear how Gabe’s breath got more erratic when he did so, and he repeated the action more firmly.

It took little time for them both to come again. They collapsed forward, Gabe sprawled on top of Sam’s back, and Sam fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *passes out electric fans* Be sure to hydrate, darlings. And leave me love letters - you know I live for them. ♥


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before - and then the days after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my darlings! We are so close to the end and I am going to be SO. SAD.
> 
> There's more humor in this chapter than anything else. Mild smut, mild angst, some family bonding.
> 
> I'm posting on time again! Sorry again about the ~~late~~ last chapter!
> 
> Art by netherwings.tumblr.com (UGH that top one kills me. It's probably my second favorite after the lollipop.)

Gabriel woke up disoriented. He didn’t know where he was, only that it was not his dark bedroom and there was something poking into his stomach. After a moment, he woke up enough to remember that he was at Sam’s apartment and to realize it was Sam’s butt poking into his belly. He carefully crawled off of him and got up to use the bathroom. Apparently having someone’s ass pressed against your bladder makes you have to pee, who knew?

His mind was mostly blank as he walked to the bathroom and relieved himself. He washed his hands and walked back into the other room. He couldn’t help but stare at Sam’s slumbering form. Every part of him looked like it had been carved by Greek sculptors.

He was beautiful to look at and there were no two ways about it. Standing there, watching him, Gabriel wanted nothing more than to touch him everywhere that he could see. To lay his lips on every plane of that body, to trace the smooth lines with his tongue, to map the surfaces with his fingers.

It had been, without a doubt, the best sex of Gabe’s life, and he could have more of it, if he was willing to take it. He certainly wanted it, there was no denying that simple fact. Sam did things to him that he had never experienced before. The thing was, Gabriel wasn’t sure he could stop at just friends with benefits. He wasn’t sure he could control his heart.

_Then again_ , he thought, as Sam shifted in the bed and found a new, even sexier position to lie in, _I don’t know if I can stop touching him now that I’ve started_.

He crawled back into bed, wanting desperately to draw Sam against him and spoon until he fell asleep. He denied himself that pleasure, however. If he was going to allow himself the beauty of Sam’s naked body, he had to set boundaries for himself. No cuddling. No tender moments of any kind. He was afraid he’d already screwed up on both counts. He would have to be more careful from here on out.

When he woke up again, he found that his subconscious had betrayed him. He was lying up against Sam, spooning, just as he had wanted to be. When he tried to move away, Sam woke up and rolled over, all sleepy-eyed and smiling. He kissed Gabe firmly with mouth tightly closed and then jumped up and out of bed.

When he got back, Gabriel asked, “How you feeling? You sore this morning?”

Sam made a face. “A little, but not too bad. Good enough to try again later,” he said, leveling a Gabriel-worthy smirk at Gabe himself, who laughed.

“Whoa, slow down there, tiger. Coffee and breakfast first. Seduction later.”

“Please, like I gotta seduce you. You’re kind of an easy lay.” The morning after seemed to have made Sam downright cocky. It was too early in the morning for cockiness. Even the good kind.

“Well, I mean, I was just so relieved that the sight of my short, naked body didn’t creep you out,” Gabriel said, sticking out his tongue.

Sam looked sheepish. “Yeah, about that...you should know you’re actually really fucking sexy, Gabe.” The smirk was completely gone now.

Gabriel felt a tug inside him at the words, so he let his humor deflect the touchy-feely vibe. “You know, I kinda figured that out somewhere around your third orgasm, Sampson.” He winked. “Now, coffee? Breakfast?”

“Let me guess, you want sugar with a side of sugar and maple syrup.”

Gabriel clasped his hands together and made fake doe eyes. “Sammy, you remembered!” he said in falsetto.

“Jackass.”

“Come on, let’s go get food. Then we can come back here and I’ll see if I can get you to make that face again.”

“What face?” Sam asked warily.

“That super sexy one, you know, like this.” Gabriel made the worst caricature of an orgasm face he could come up with on short notice. “That one.” Gabriel kinda thought he could get into this whole cockiness thing.

“You’re such an asshole.”

“I kind of am, huh?” His grin showed exactly how disturbed he was by the fact.

“First you literally fuck me till I cry and now this,” Sam said, shaking his head in mock disgust.

Gabriel felt his need for coffee and food diminishing as he remembered just how he had moved Sam to tears and the sounds Sam had been making at the time. “If you still want breakfast, you should probably stop talking now.” He practically purred the words.

Sam’s mouth dropped open slightly and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. “Oh.” Then an evil smile appeared on his face. “You don’t wanna talk about how you were pounding into my ass and - “

As Sam’s gaze went to Gabe’s crotch and he stopped talking abruptly, Gabriel realized that they were both still totally naked.

Sam cleared his throat. “Kinda seems like _he_ wants talk about it.” The teasing in his eyes had been replaced by desire.

Gabriel growled, “Get your ass back in bed, Sam.”

An hour later, they had brunch in the diner across the street.

* * *

 

When it was time for Sam to go to work, Gabriel decided he’d do a little sight-seeing instead of hanging out at the bar the whole time. He told Sam he’d come hang out for the second half, though. Sam didn’t seem to mind and Gabriel was glad. He felt like he probably needed some space at this point.

He took a cab into Frisco and then just walked around a while. He visited some shops and museums, but he didn’t stay long anywhere. He had a light lunch at a little cafe bookstore, but he couldn’t concentrate on the book he bought.

His brain was 1000% Sam. He didn’t want it to be, but he couldn’t seem to do anything about it. He thought about how the previous night and morning had been spent and he smiled. Now that he was no longer in Sam’s giant presence, it was easier not to get carried away by the thoughts, so at least he was in no danger of getting a hardon in the middle of the cafe.

He thought Sam would like this cafe, and not just because of the books. They sold pastries with vegetables in them and the coffee was amazing. His mind wanted to go other places with that thought, though. It wanted to remind him that, if he and Sam were a couple, they could have weekends like this all the time, could maybe go to lots of little cafes together.

He reminded himself of all the reasons why they couldn't be a couple. He bit into his eclair savagely, as if the pastry itself had wronged him. He was going to enjoy this weekend, he told himself. He was not going to worry about feelings or the past or any of that crap. All he wanted was to ease the physical ache that thoughts of Sam had been causing him. He wanted to enjoy the best sex of his life without feeling like a broken thing, just this once. Sam had always been able to do that last part for him.

And yes, he admitted to himself, he wished they could have a lot more than friendship with benefits. He wished a real relationship was in the cards for them. But they _couldn't_ have more. It _wasn't_ in the cards. And he just had to deal with that. He was just happy to have Sam again and to no longer be sexually frustrated. That would be have to be enough.

After his late lunch he didn't feel much like walking around anymore, so he took a trolley. The ride allowed him to see the city almost as well as walking around. Once he got off, he hailed a cab to take him to the bar. He couldn't wait to tell Sam about his day. Because he was his best friend, Gabriel told himself. That was all.

It was a little harder to convince himself when he got to the bar and Sam's smiling wave made his stomach do a little dance. He decided it was a sexual reaction, however, and nothing like the flip flops his stomach used to do in the 6th grade when he'd see Sam. He wasn't 12 anymore.

He managed to smile and wave back easily enough and then he found a seat at the crowded bar. Sam was plenty busy so they didn't talk for a while. Instead, Gabriel just sat there nursing a beer while we watched women flirt shamelessly with Tall Drink of Winchester. He couldn't help but smile. He knew Sam in all the ways those girls wanted to know him - and then some.

He remembered just in time that thoughts like that were a no-go in public when Sam was nearby. He quickly thought about the museums he'd been to, to distract his mind before his lower half took off with Sam thoughts. Sam, of course, had a free moment and came down to say hello.

"You have fun today?" he asked as he wiped down the bar near Gabriel.

"Yes I did, Samfrancisco, yes I did." He smirked as he saw Sam's affectionate annoyance at the nickname. He told him the highlights of his day, finishing with, "It's a great cafe, you'd really like it."

"Books _and_ vegetables?" Sam joked. "I'm in!" He winked before he walked away to take another order.

A small blonde sat next to Gabriel, asking if the seat was taken as she did so. When he said no, she smiled and asked if he came there often. He worried that she might be trying to flirt with him, but that worry was short-lived. As soon as Sam walked up, she only had eyes for him.

"Hi, Sam," she chirped brightly.

"Hey, Becky," he responded, polite but distant. Anyone else may have failed to notice Sam's slight frown when he spotted her sitting there, but to Gabriel it was plain as day. "What can I get you?"

"The usual," she said airily, waving her hand.

"Remind me again?" Sam asked, obviously trying to hint that her presence was not of consequence to him.

"Oh, Sam, you silly goose! You know very well I always get a Bloody Mary!" Her giggle made Gabriel slightly ill.

"Do you? Coming right up, then."

He wasn't even smiling now, Gabriel noted. Gabe wondered if he could find a way to help Sam get rid of Becky once and for all. He leaned over when Sam was gone and whispered conspiratorially, "You know his fiancé died."

"Yeah," Becky said, frowning. "But that was, like, over a year ago. I think he's over it."

"Do you know how she died?"

"No, do you?" Her voice was excited now, at the potential for new information.

Gabriel looked around as if making sure no one could overhear. "I heard she killed herself when he broke it off." He looked around again then leaned even closer. "The word is, he broke up with her when she caught him with another guy!"

Becky's eyes were saucers. "No way!" she said indignantly. "Sam's not... She leaned closer and lowered her voice to say, "Sam's not _gay_!"

Gabriel shrugged and said, "He flirts with me, that's all I know."

Becky looked annoyed, but her conviction clearly wavered. When Sam came back, she watched him closely. He wasn't flirting so Gabriel had to think fast.

"Hey, Sam? Does the bar kitchen serve chicken thighs? I really have a hankering for some thighs for some reason." Gabriel kept his face impassive, but Sam didn't.

He smirked at Gabe as he teased, "Oh, yeah? Looking for something you can really sink into, huh?" He winked and walked over to get a menu, and Gabriel raised his eyebrow at Becky who looked scandalized, but not completely convinced. When Sam came back, he leaned over the bar and said huskily, "We don't serve thighs, but you let me know if you see anything here you like." He looked Gabriel up and down like he was on the menu before leaning back.

Gabriel thought that if he hadn't already been going home with Sam, he would have been after that display. Becky, he was pleased to note, threw some money on the bar and stormed out.  Sam watched her in shock, then eyed Gabriel suspiciously. "What did you do?" he asked. "Becky's never left that fast before."

Gabriel looks back at him innocently. "I just suggested that you might be a homosexual - and then you did all that flirting." He smirked and winked and Sam smiled back. The relief on his face was obvious.

"It was that easy? Wish I'd thought of that months ago." He left to take an order and Gabriel smiled at his back.

"So, Becky's been hassling you for a while, huh? Poor Samboney. Too studly for his own good," Gabriel said when Sam returned to his end of the bar.

"Shut up, jackass," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "She's practically been stalking me for the past...well, a while, anyway. She mostly left me alone after Jess died, but the past few months have been brutal. It's like she thought the anniversary was some sort of cut-off for mourning."

"Yeah, I got that impression from our brief conversation as well. You're well shed of her, Samphony."

Sam made a face. "Samphony? What does that even mean, Gabe?"

"As in, whenever you're near me, I hear a Samphony?" Gabriel smirked at Sam's groan.

That night at the apartment went much like the night before. As soon as they were through the door, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Neither was satisfied with a single orgasm, either. Gabriel was pleased to note that Sam's blowjob skills were vastly improved already from the night before, which was his only coherent thought before his second orgasm swept through him. He hadn't meant to cry out Sam's name, but it had happened. He wasn't going to worry about it right now.

Somehow they ended up tangled together at the end of it all, cuddling. Gabriel wanted to protest, to roll away, but he didn't have the energy. Sam was also incredibly comfortable as pillows went and Gabriel decided physical comfort trumped emotional hang ups just this once.

Because of this, when the nightmares came that night, he was trapped in Sam's arms. It brought a frightening level of reality into the dreams and made him cry out in his sleep because he couldn’t get away. But when he woke up, it was to a hand stroking his brow and to another curled protectively around his shoulder.

"It's ok, Gabe, it's ok, I got you," Sam was murmuring into his hair when Gabriel was conscious enough to make out that he was speaking. "It's all right now, Gabe. You're safe, babe, you're safe."

Gabriel realized there were tears on his cheeks and he pulled back from the embrace slightly. “I’m awake, Sam, you can let me go.” He saw but ignored Sam’s frown. “Thanks for…thanks.” He had always wondered about it, so he asked, “Did I say anything?”

Sam coughed to clear his throat before he said, “Just your basic ‘No, stop, leave me alone, don’t, please’ protests. Nothing specific.” Despite the fact that Sam kept his face and voice neutral, Gabriel could tell he was shaken up. He allowed himself to relax back into Sam’s arms, let them fold back up around him.

“Sorry that I scared you, Samsam,” Gabriel said quietly. He was suddenly exhausted again. Normally, he’d be up for hours after dreams like that, but he found that right now, he just wanted to curl back up with Sam and go to sleep.

* * *

 

On Sunday, Sam convinced Gabe to take him to the little cafe he’d found. They spent a day sightseeing and then went back to the apartment for more amazing sex. Gabe allowed more affection than Sam had expected, but he always pulled away before Sam was ready. Sam always let him go without protest, though. He knew if he pushed - or pulled, to be more precise - Gabe would snatch it all away. He wasn’t convinced that this wouldn’t all end the moment Gabe walked out the door to go to his conference.

He didn’t ask anything about the conference until Sunday evening, when they were lying in bed in a  post-coital haze. He’d been wondering about it because Gabe hadn’t said anything at all about it, but he hadn’t found a good time to bring it up.

“So, hey, how long does your conference run tomorrow? I mean, will you have time to have dinner before your flight or…?”

Gabe sat up and started to say, “Yeah, about that, um - “ but he was interrupted by Sam’s cell phone.

“Sorry, it’s Dean, I better take it.” Into the phone he said, “Hey man, what’s up?”

“Heya, baby bro, just calling to see how things were going. We miss you back in Kansas, man.”

“Hey, things are good. Just hanging out with Gabe. I miss you guys, too.”

“Wait, Gabe’s there? Tell him he better not be late for dinner tomorrow, if he wants any - ”

“What? Dean, I don’t think Gabe’s gonna get out of his con- “ Sam saw Gabe’s face and stopped talking. “Dean? Lemme call you back, man.” He hung up without looking at the phone. “Gabe? What’s going on?”

Sam didn’t like that Gabe wouldn’t look at him, but short of forcing his chin up, there wasn’t much he could do. “Well, Sam-O, the thing is...I don’t actually have a conference tomorrow.”

“What? Wait...you said - “

“I said that because I didn’t want to admit to you just how badly I wanted to see you and...do what we’ve been doing these past few days.”

“Dude...you’re an idiot,” Sam said on a laugh. He was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t get to have dinner with Gabe the next night, but he hadn’t counted on it, anyway. He was mostly relieved that Gabe had wanted him as badly as he had wanted Gabe.

Gabe smiled, obviously relieved. “Yeah, I know. Not like you couldn’t tell how bad I wanted it as soon as we got together, right?”

“You did seem rather eager,” Sam teased. When he saw how embarrassed Gabe was getting, though, he added, “Almost as eager as me and that’s saying something.” That earned him a bigger smile.

Then Gabe’s face sobered and Sam felt sick, knowing what was coming. “So, Sam-O, I don’t know what happens now. I don’t know if any of this can happen again. You know we can’t go beyond just sex, but I don’t know that we can keep on with the sex, either.”

Sam pasted on a smile, even as Gabe’s words and his own cut into him like razors. “Hey, if it’s just a weekend fling, no big deal. I knew going in, right? I told you I’d take whatever you’d be willing to give me. We’re still friends, Gabe, no worries.”

Sam thought Gabe looked equally as disappointed as he did relieved, which was weird, but honestly not that unexpected. Sam knew Gabe felt more than just sex and friendship for him. Why Gabe wouldn’t let himself _have_ more was a question Sam couldn’t answer and Gabe wouldn’t answer.

“Great, so as long as we’re clear on that.”

“It’s still the weekend, though,” Sam couldn’t help pointing out. “May as well make the most of it, right?”

So they fell together again, mouths and hands and cocks all seeking something warm to touch. If Sam clung a little tighter and kissed a little more tenderly, Gabe, who seemed to be doing the same, didn’t mention it.

* * *

Gabriel sat back in his seat on the plane and let the voice of the flight attendant lull him into a pseudo-sleep. He refused to dwell on the weekend’s events or on the overly-affectionate goodbye he and Sam had shared outside the airport. Instead he thought about the dinner he’d be having with Sam’s family - who were also his family, he realized - in a few hours.

He’d been a little surprised by Dean’s invitation, but mainly because it had come from Dean instead of Cas. He’d talked to and seen both of them over the course of the past few months, especially since the Christmas announcement, and Dean even came into the store every week or so, but it was mostly Shushtiel who called him up. He hadn’t been invited to dinner before, either.  He supposed he mostly was unused to having so many people to talk to, period.

He realized he had a lot to tell his therapist at his appointment on Wednesday. There had been a lot of changes in the past two weeks. He wondered if she would push him to pursue more with Sam. He pushed those thoughts away and tried to focus back on dinner.

He hoped Dean was telling the truth about pie. He loved Dean’s pie. He hadn’t had it in years, but nothing he’d had since had come close. He figured he should probably tell the guy that, if he could figure out how to do it without embarrassing them both.

As he approached his car in the long term garage, he realized there was someone sitting in the passenger seat. A few more steps and he realized the blond head belonged to his father. He sighed heavily and walked up to the passenger window, knocking loudly. He took a sick thrill in watching his father jump and fling his book into the air.

“Hey, Pops, what’s shaking besides you? Do you need to borrow a change of underwear?”

“As if your tiny underpants would fit me. Anyway, aren’t you pleased to see me?”

“Thrilled,” Gabriel said without a hint of a smile, though he truthfully was a little pleased that his father had come to meet him.

“Oh, shut up, I know you missed me. Hurry up and let’s go. I”ll take you to lunch.”

“So you can grill me about my weekend?”

Thaz’ face was impassive.

“Fine. Lemme put my stuff away.” He threw his bag into the trunk and got in the driver’s seat. He started the engine and backed out.

“Well, tell me, Gabriel, since you brought it up, how was your weekend?”

“Dad, you are a great big bag of dicks,” Gabriel replied, shaking his head. Then he shrugged. “It was ok. We had...fun.”

“Fun? Well, yes, I should expect so. Are you still keeping it purely sexual?”

“Dad, come on. We’ve talked about this.”

“Yes, my dear boy, we have talked about this. And I have told you endlessly that you are being ridiculous. There’s no reason you can’t have a relationship, particularly with Sam Winchester. Has he ever been anything but kind to you?”

“Dad,” Gabriel said on a sigh. “Stop. Do you want me to take you home?”

“No, Gabriel, I don’t want you to take me home, I want to have lunch.” He sighed. “Does this mean I am not allowed to speak of your weekend with Sam again?”

“That’s what it means, Dad. It’s off limits. Not just today, either.”

“But, Gabriel - “

“No buts, Dad.” He glanced at him, angrily. “I’m not going down that road. I’ve told you. You know why! Why do you insist on trying to push me into something?”

Thaz’ voice rose, too. “Because I want you to be _happy_ , son! All right? You deserve that. And I believe Sam could give that to you.” He looked out the window. “But you won’t take it and it’s infuriating!”

“Dad, look, I know you mean well. I know you want what’s best for me - what you _think_ is best for me - but I _know_ I can’t handle it. And I know...look, forget it. I - it’s not gonna happen, ok? Not with Sam and not with anyone else. Can we just drop it, please?”

“Fine,” Thaz said softly. “I won’t speak of it again. Just promise me that if _he_ does - “

“Dad. Let it go.”

Lunch started out quiet, but once Gabriel realized his father wasn’t going to bring up Sam again, he relaxed and they had a good time. He really did love his father. He was happy to have him back in his life. He still regretted the years they hadn’t had, but they were doing a good job making up for it now.

However, it was time for dinner at the Winchesters’ house. Gabriel was nervous as he stood outside and tried to convince himself to ring the bell. He didn’t understand why he was sweating or why his hands were shaking, until he realized that he was having dinner with what amounted to Sam’s parents. Since he had just told his own father that what he had with Sam was purely sexual, it made him feel a little bit bad to sit down to dinner with Dean and Cas.

Cas greeted him at the door, thrilled to see him. He pulled Gabriel in for a hug and thanked him for coming.

“Hey, thanks for inviting me,” Gabriel said. “I was kind of surprised that Dean asked me over.”

“Are you kidding?” Dean said. “I’ve been dying to cook for somebody new. Besides,” he said, leaning forward. “There’s gonna be _pie_.”

Gabriel had to laugh at that, though in truth, he was a little excited. He’d been thinking about that pie all day.

“Well, you know I’m always up for pie, Dean-O,” Gabriel said. “And there’s little Mary! How’s Shushtiel Junior, huh?” Gabriel asked in a high voice, walking over to her swing.

“Daaaaay!” she answered, happily reaching her arms up and making grasping motions with her hands.

“Ok if I pick her up?” he asked.

“Of course,” Cas said. “She certainly wants you to. We won’t be eating for a little while yet. Would you like some wine?”

“Uh, sure, thanks. Hey lambchop! How’ve you been? I saw your Uncle Sammy this weekend.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he could’ve slapped himself in the face. He didn’t know why he’d brought it up. Obviously Dean already knew, but he hadn’t been anxious to talk about it. Now he’d given them an opening and they could bring it up if they wanted. Thankfully, at this moment, no one did, so he just continued muttering nonsense at Mary until Cas brought him his glass of wine and took the baby from him.

“So, how’ve you been Gabriel?” Cas asked, sitting on the couch.

“I’ve been good. Store’s good. Saw Dad today for lunch.”

“How is Thaz?” Cas asked. “I haven’t talked to him lately. I should call him.”

“He’s good. You know, he’s...Dad. Kinda weird, but I like him.”

Cas just smiled. “He was always my favorite brother,” he said. “I was sad when he left. I’m glad you two have found each other.”

Gabriel thought it was a little pathetic that this topic of conversation was easier than his relationship with Sam, but it was. “Yeah. Me, too, Cas. He’s, um, he’s a good guy. I wish I’d known him sooner.”

“So hey, Gabriel, nothing you won’t eat, is there? I know you weren’t big on vegetables when you were a kid, but I’m hoping maybe you’ve expanded your horizons a little now that you’re all grown up?”

“Hey, whatever you made is cool with me, Dean-O. I know you’re a good cook. I trust you.”

“Good to know. I’m making a salad. We’ll be able to eat in a about - “ he checked the clock, “15 minutes?”

“Ok, sounds good.”

Cas and Gabriel decided to move to the kitchen, so that they could talk to Dean while he cooked.

“So Dean-O, what’s new with you? You’ve taken over Bobby’s? Is that right?”

“Sort of. We’ve got 3 locations now. I do a lot of the managing, but Bobby’s still in charge. You should ask Cas what he’s doing, though. His story’s a lot more interesting than mine.”

“Oh, Dean. Why do you always sell yourself short like that?”

“Hey! I’m not! I’m just saying. What you’re doing is pretty great, you know.”

Cas smiled modestly. Gabriel was intrigued because he realized he had no idea what Cas was doing.

“So let’s hear it, Shushtiel. What’ve you been up to?”

“I started my own charity.”

“You - what?”

“He started his own charity. Isn't that awesome? He helps underprivileged families and kids and stuff.” Dean looked at his husband, face wide-eyed with wonder. “He went to college, got his Masters - he could do anything. And he’s choosing to run a charity and help people.” He smiled from ear to ear. “Pretty proud of him.”

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas said softly.

“I am! What, I’m not allowed to be proud of my husband?”

Cas smiled that same bashful smile again, obviously pleased by the praise.

“Wow, Shushtiel, that’s really great. Maybe I can donate or something. I mean, I run a candy store, so surely...well - underprivileged kids, candy store, we can work something out, right?”

“That would be wonderful, Gabriel. Perhaps we could have an event that you sponsor?”

“Yeah, man, lemme know what you come up with. I’ll be happy to help.”

“Wonderful. Thank you, Gabriel.”

“Hey, what are nephews for, huh?” Gabriel smirked.

Gabriel couldn’t believe it a few minutes later when Dean brought out the salad. He recognized it instantly - he’d never had it anywhere else. Dean had made it years ago and Gabriel had liked it. Dean had remembered and he’d made it again, especially for Gabe. It made something warm uncurl in Gabriel to realize that he had more people than he’d known who cared about him.

Looking back, he realized that Dean had always been kind to him. He had welcomed him into their little ragtag family even back then, when Gabe was an obnoxious 12 yr old. It meant something to him that Dean had remembered. And when Dean brought out the pie - fudge pie with fresh strawberries and handmade whipped cream - Gabriel had to fight back the urge to let himself become emotional.

Dean had made that pie for him the day before he’d left. Gabriel hadn’t really forgotten so much as he had pushed it aside. He didn’t like to think about that time at all. He didn’t like to think about how he had felt knowing, the day that he had to leave them, just how much Sam, Dean and Cas had all cared about him. It had been crippling to understand everything he was leaving behind as he drove off that day.

The pie tasted twice as good now as it had back then. Back then it had tasted like sadness. It had been bittersweet at best, even though it was his favorite. Dean had made it, had asked especially what his favorite pie was, so that he could make it. He’d made one for them all to share and he’d made another for Gabe to take with him, so that he had a little piece of home to take on the road with him.

It had meant so much to Gabriel and yet it had broken his heart at the same time. It was doing the same now, but Gabriel recognized that he didn’t have to leave this time. Southpoint was home and no one could send him away. Even if he couldn’t have Sam the way he wanted him, he had Cas and he had Dean and he had his father and he had Sam’s friendship, too. It meant something and it was important.

It was the best piece of pie he’d ever eaten. Dean cut him another slice and he did not turn it down.

“Dean-O, I gotta say, I have never had better pie in my life than your pie. And _this_ is the top of all of them. This one is even better than the last time you made this for me...so, thanks.”

“Hey, yeah, man. I, uh...wow. Best pie, huh? That’s like, the best compliment, _ever_.”

“You’ve made his entire week,” Cas joked.

“Hey, he made my week with this pie! Fudge pie, are you kidding?”

“Did you, uh, want some maple syrup on it?” Dean teased.

“Haha, no, not even _I_ need maple syrup on a fudge pie. Strawberries and whipped cream are gonna kill me as it is.” He took another bite. “Wow. Is there a reason you don’t run a bakery, Dean-O?”

“Ha! Well, yeah. I just cook for the people I care about.” Dean looked at Gabriel pointedly.

Gabriel dropped his eyes, but he was smiling.

He didn’t stay too long after pie. They had to put the kid to bed and he was pretty wiped from his hectic day - and energetic weekend, for that matter. He got bear hugs from both of them on his way out and a big sloppy kiss from Mary. He drove home, happy in a way he couldn’t remember feeling in a long time.

When he got home, he flopped onto the couch and pulled out his phone.

**Your brother made me a fudge pie.**

He was not expecting Sam’s response and he barked out an embarrassing laugh.

**> To be fair, as much of it as you eat, you were probably half pie already.**

Gabriel’s reply was brief.

Then Gabriel couldn’t resist adding a lewd joke.

**Of course, you’d know, given how much of me you tasted this weekend.**

Sam took a couple of minutes to respond, no doubt wondering if Gabriel’s bringing it up meant they’d get to keep doing what they had done over the weekend.

**> Pretty sure you tasted more of me than I did of you.**

Gabriel smiled in his empty house.

**True. You didn’t taste like pie, though. Maybe if I’d had whipped cream and strawberries…**

Gabriel wasn’t as surprised or scared by Sam’s next text as maybe he should have been.

**> Next time?**

He was a little bit more surprised by the texts he sent in return.

**We’ll see, Sampson.**

**The sex this weekend WAS pretty off the charts.**

It took Sam so long to respond that Gabriel had started to nod off on the couch before his phone signaled the text.

**> Not gonna lie, Gabe, it’s never been better for me.**

“And just what the hell am I supposed to do with that, Sam?” Gabriel asked aloud. He wanted to ask if that included Jessica, but it wasn’t a fair question and he didn’t want to know the answer. He assumed, though, that best ever meant best ever and that meant including Jess. He hated himself a little bit for hoping.

The absolute worst part was that best ever was what Gabriel had meant when he said off the charts. He’d never had better, either. Never even close. But could he risk telling Sam that? Was that something you told someone in purely sexual fling? He supposed it might be. Humor, he felt, was always the best response.

**I’d say the same, but your blowjob could use some work. Luckily, I am available for training sessions.**

He nearly slapped his forehead like some damn cartoon when he saw Sam’s reply.

**> Didn’t take me long to turn that “we’ll see” into a “yes”, did it? >;P**

**> I’m willing to practice as much as it takes.**

**> My goal is to one day do it professionally.**

Gabriel’s laugh echoed through his house once again.

**I believe I mentioned you’re an asshole?**

He wasn’t expecting a response to that, so he got up and took a shower, dropping the phone next to the bed on his way to the bathroom. He was crawling under the covers and checking his alarm before he realized Sam had sent a reply.

**> -shrug- You seemed pretty fond of assholes this weekend.**

When he read it, he gave a shocked laugh and then his mouth dropped open in the dark. For once, he could think of nothing to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love me my sweeties, while there is still time! ♥  
>  ~~Getting close to the end of fics makes me melodramatic.~~  
>  ~~Shut up, mahbbys, I heard that.~~


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes home for spring break and finds Gabriel kept another memento from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relatively smutty, as chapters go. Silly and sentimental, too, though.
> 
> Please excuse any errors as I am heading out of town and trying to rush to get this sucker posted. 
> 
> Art by netherwings.tumblr.com

Over the next few weeks, Sam talked to Gabe more than he had been before their weekend. Gabe didn't always flirt, but it was a lot more common than before. Whenever Gabe didn't instigate it, it was pretty easy for Sam to get it started - and Gabe always played along.

Sam knew it didn't mean they were a couple instead of a couple of fuck buddies, but he enjoyed it, anyway. He knew it always left them both smiling and that was what he wanted for them, after all - a little joy from being together. If he couldn't have romance, then he would take sex and dirty texting or naughty phone calls.

He did his best not to allow his feelings to interfere. It was easier when Gabe wasn't physically around. It was harder when Gabe called him in the middle of the night, vulnerable.

About two weeks after Gabe left California, Sam called him after he got off work. Gabe sounded awful and said he had a migraine coming on, so he couldn’t talk. A few hours later, Gabe woke Sam by calling back.

“Sorry, Sam-O. Nightmares again. Can you talk to me like you did last time?”

“Yeah, man, of course. How’s your head?”

“Still hurts. Nobody to massage it better this time.” There was a hint of a smile in Gabe’s voice, but pain and emotional stress were thrumming underneath it.

“Sorry, man. I would if I could. Um, I’m gonna talk, but I just want you to know, if _you_ ever decide you wanna talk about it, I’m here, ok? I’m not gonna judge or whatever it is you’re afraid of. If you never do, ok. I’m just putting it out there.”

“‘K, Samsam. Noted.”

Gabriel’s lack of protest and obvious pain were troubling to Sam. He hadn’t had much experience with humorless Gabe, but he’d had even less with openly hurting Gabe. He wanted to make him better. Wanted it so much it was almost a physical sensation.

“Let’s see, today, I had my least favorite class. The professor is a total dick, but something funny actually happened in the session this time, so I was glad I went.” Sam proceeded to tell that story and then two more. By the time he was done, Gabe seemed more himself.

“Thanks, Sampson. Getting sleepy again now. You always know how to bore me back to sleep.” Sam knew it was Gabe for ‘I am feeling emotionally exposed, but thank you’ so he wasn’t offended.

“Well, in two weeks, I’m flying to Kansas, so in return maybe you can underwhelm me with your sexual prowess again.”

Gabe laughed softly into the phone. “Sounds good, Sam-O. I’ll pencil it in.”

“Oh, come on, Gabe. Don't sell yourself short. It’s not very big, but I’d hardly call it a pencil.”

“Asshole. I don’t remember you complaining. In fact, I seem to recall the words ‘Oh, Gabe you’re so - ‘“

“All right, sleepy time, Gabe. Goodnight, you jackass.” Sam was smiling, though.

“Nighty-night, Samsam.”

* * *

 

Sam didn’t sleep through his spring break flight the way he normally did. He had an electric current under his skin, an itch to see Gabe and touch him again. They hadn’t made any specific plans, other than they would get together while Sam was in and that sex was probably on the agenda. Still, Sam intended to see him as soon as possible. Sleeping with Gabe had not quelled Sam’s desire for him. If anything, it had just made it worse. Now he _knew_ , for sure, how good it was.

He was happy to see Cas and Dean and Mary waiting for him, but he was slightly disappointed that Gabe wasn’t waiting with them again. He tamped it down and hugged his family hello, amazed at how much Mary had grown in the last 3 months.

“She’s getting so big!” he said as he took her from Cas.

“Hi, Zam! Ride car!” she said excitedly, then buried her head in his neck, her shyness overcoming her excitement momentarily.

“Hey, Mary! Yes, let’s go for a ride in the car and go home!”

“Charry come! Stay Charry,” Mary said around a grin as Sam got her into her carseat.

“She’s letting you know that Charlie will be coming to get her tonight, so we can all go out to dinner,” Dean explained. “Don’t worry,” he said, as if he could feel Sam’s disappointment. “I will cook all kinds of food for you while you are here, just not tonight.”

Sam grinned. “That sounds awesome, Dean. I really miss your cooking. I’m glad Charlie is working out as a babysitter.”

“Yeah, so are we. It’s been a big help, for sure. Oh, hey, hope you don’t mind, we invited Gabe to eat with us. That cool?” Dean asked over his shoulder as he started the car.

“That’s great, man, thanks. You said he’s been coming over quite a bit, right?”

“Yep, he’s been hanging out with us about once a week, I guess?” Dean looked to Cas for confirmation.

Cas nodded. “It’s been very nice getting to know him again. Thaz has come over a few times, too. With Gabe, mostly, but once by himself.”

“Wow, that’s great, Cas. How about your other brothers? Have you seen them at all since Christmas?”

“Yes, though not very often. I think we’ve seen Michael twice and the others once each. Anna calls quite a bit, but with her living out of town I don’t get to see her much. It hasn’t been easy, but they are good with Mary and that’s mainly what I care about.” He glanced at his husband. “Well, that and that they aren’t dicks to Dean,” he added with a small smile to Sam.

Sam couldn’t see their hands, but he saw their shoulders move and heard rustling on the seat, so he assumed that Dean reached over and took Cas’ hand. He thought they probably really were the most adorable couple, ever.

“I should give you two a nickname,” he teased them.

“What do you mean a nickname?” Dean asked, confused.

“You know, like ‘Branjelina’ or 'Benehen.' I could call you two ‘Casean’ or something.”

“Hardly. Maybe De-stiel.”

Cas laughed and said in a low, teasing voice, “Well, you do usually come first.”

“Cas!” Sam and Dean shouted at the same time, both blushing. Sam was laughing, but Dean looked mortified. That only made Sam laugh harder. Sam laughing made Mary laugh and that just made Dean feel even worse.

“Dammit, Sam, you’ve even got my daughter laughing at me,” he said grumpily.

“Dean, I am not laughing at you! I just can’t believe Cas said that. You’re the one who does the dirty jokes, not him. That was freaking awesome, Cas.” Sam was doing his best to calm down, so as not to piss off Dean for real.

Finally, Dean smirked and glanced sideways at Cas as he made the turn down onto their street. “It was pretty funny, babe.”

Cas hadn't lost his self-satisfied smile the whole time, Sam noticed. “You have taught me much, Obi-Wan,” Cas told his husband, which finally got a laugh out of Dean.

When they got back home, Dean and Cas assured him he had time to shower and change before dinner. Gabe was meeting them at the house, but he wouldn’t arrive for at least half an hour. Sam took his bag upstairs and found an unwrinkled outfit in his closet. He left it on the bed and went into the adjoining bathroom to shower.

Once he got out, he brushed his teeth, shaved and put on his deodorant. He didn’t bother with cologne, but he did do a little routine manscaping. He unwrapped the towel around his waist and hung it up, stepping into his room just as there was a brief knock and a “Sam?” before the door swung open to reveal Gabe. Or to reveal Sam to Gabe, rather, since he was standing there completely naked.

Sam swore. He hadn’t bothered to latch the door to his room, since Cas and Dean weren’t likely to walk in on him. His eyes flew to Gabe’s. Not that they hadn’t seen each other naked already, but that was weeks ago and this wasn’t how he had planned to say hello. He didn’t have long to be embarrassed, though.

“Uh, sorry, Sam, your, uh, door was open.” Gabe’s facial expression didn’t look sorry. His eyes looked hungry - and not for the dinner they were about to go to. He walked fully into the room and closed the door behind him.

“Gabe?” Sam’s mouth was suddenly dry as the shorter man moved closer, seemingly with intent. Those dark, hungry eyes were inching closer. Then there were lips on his, claiming his mouth in savage kiss.

“Been thinking about you like this, Samsam,” Gabe told him, his voice merely breath ghosting over Sam’s spit-slick lips.

Before Sam knew what was happening, Gabe was pressing him back toward the bed. Once Sam was sitting, Gabe was down on his knees and taking Sam’s quickly rising cock into his mouth. Sam wanted to protest that his brother was downstairs, that they didn’t have time, but Gabe’s lips and tongue and fingers - one of which was circling Sam’s puckered ass - were making it too much effort to think, let alone speak.

A thumb pressed into his taint as the fingertip breached his hole. At the same time, Gabe took his cock all the way in and held it there, sucking hard. Sam did his best to stifle the groan that built in his throat. Gabe’s other hand brushed over his balls, keeping them from drawing up as they were already trying to do. Gabe’s mouth was moving up and down, tongue swirling, as his fingers moved in and out, pressing and releasing, stroking and squeezing.

Sam felt like not just all his blood, but all his nerves, were gathering in between his legs. He couldn’t seem to feel his face or fingers or anything except the exquisite sensations of pleasure Gabe was causing him. He felt the pressure building so quickly it would have been embarrassing if he’d had the brain to worry about it. He felt the tightening pressure and then he began to shake, coming hard, almost doubling in half over Gabe.

It wasn’t until after Gabe had swallowed and pulled away that Sam realized they hadn’t used a condom. Gabe seemed remarkably unconcerned, and Sam knew he was STD-free, so he didn’t mention it. It made something warm go through him, though, at the fact that Gabe was allowing such an intimacy without comment. He had allowed Gabe to come on him, but Gabe swallowing without a condom seemed like a much bigger thing. He certainly wasn’t going to call attention to it and ruin the moment.

When he had his breath back, he asked, “My turn?”

“Nope,” Gabriel said, smirking. “Saving that for later. You’re coming to my place after dinner, right?” As if on cue, Dean called out for them from downstairs.

“Yeah, that, uh, sounds good.” Sam hadn’t been prepared for anything that had just happened. He was having trouble keeping his walls up. “Can you go stall them while I get dressed?” He knew he was coming off as cold, but he didn’t know how else to stem the flood of emotions that was threatening to overwhelm him.

“Sure thing, Sam-O.” Gabe didn’t seem upset, so that was good.

Then he was gone and Sam collapsed back onto the bed. He recognized that he was in trouble. He thought having some time apart would have dulled what he felt, but that was apparently not the case. If anything, what he felt was stronger now. Seeing Gabe had brought it all back into sharp focus. He really, really wanted more than just sex. And he knew he wasn’t going to get it. Not anytime soon.

“Shit,” he said to the empty room. “What the hell am I doing?”

He got dressed quickly, more nervous about dinner than ever. He knew he had to get a grip before he went downstairs, so he did the only thing he could think of and slapped himself in the face. It stung, but it did indeed help him to focus and stop letting his feelings get the better of him. He put his socks and shoes on and headed downstairs.

Charlie was there, getting ready to leave, so Dean introduced them. She seemed nice enough. She was good at teasing Dean, which Sam fully supported. She was also suitably contrite when Cas gently chastised her for being too hard on Dean, which earned her more points. Then they were all heading out the door at the same time and saying their goodbyes to the perky redhead.

At the restaurant, Sam was both pleased and relieved to see that Gabe had evidently gotten closer to both Dean and Cas in his absence. They had plenty to talk about without needing Sam’s assistance, which meant he could sit back and observe for a while. At least, until Dean steered the conversation toward him and school.

“My advisor thinks I can maybe finish pre-law early if I take a full load this summer instead of starting in the fall, but I don’t know that I wanna do that,” Sam told them in response to Dean’s question about his plans for the next semester. “I kinda like the idea of having one last summer off before I buckle down for law school, you know?”

“Yeah, plus you took classes all last summer, so it’d be a drag to do that two years in a row. It’d be good to have you around for a couple months, too.” Dean smiled. “Not that that should necessarily be a deciding factor or anything. Just saying, it’s been good seeing more of you this year.”

Sam noticed that Gabe was quiet, studiously avoiding adding anything to the discussion of what he should do with this summer. Sam was a little upset by it. Sure, they were trying to be just friends with benefits, but it would have been nice for Gabe to express some interest in seeing more of him, just for the friendship’s sake.

“You’ve done well, Sam. We are so proud of you. Personally, I would love to have you at home for the summer.” He smiled fondly at Sam. “I’m afraid I got rather spoiled over winter break, having you around again.” Cas dropped his eyes to Sam’s collar. “When you’re in California full time, I am going to miss you terribly, you know.” Sam saw that Cas was fighting back tears and he was quick to reassure him.

“Hey, Cas, look, I haven’t even decided if I want to stay in California after I graduate. You’re not losing me, all right? Home is here with you guys. That’s never gonna change, even if…” He started to say something about marriage, but he changed his mind. That wasn’t where he was right now and he didn’t know if he would be again. Right now, what he wanted was Gabe in his life and he couldn’t imagine that changing. It was hard to picture an alternate future because of it. “Um, even if I stay in Cali after graduation,” he finished somewhat lamely.

“So, you don’t have a plan in place already, Sam-O? I’d have thought you had it all mapped out by now. Graduation date, dream job, backup job. You’ve known it was Stanford since you were a kid, so it seems strange you don’t have this all figured out.”

Sam frowned. Gabe was right, to a degree, but he’d touched a sore spot. Sam cleared his throat and stared at the table, fiddling with his napkin.

“Uh, well, yeah. I mean, I had it all planned, like you said. Knew everything that was going to happen and when. But, um...then I lost Jess and my priorities changed, I guess. Now I’m just kind of playing it by ear until I figure out the new plan.”

All hint of a smirk was gone from Gabe’s face. He was clearly repentant about his words. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I wasn’t thinking. Of course that would change everything. I - sorry.”

“Hey, it’s cool, man. You didn’t know.”

The waiter came by asking about desserts. No one was surprised when Gabe and Dean both wanted pie. Cas and Sam shared a look, but ordered their own sweets as well. They talked about more innocuous topics over their confections and then they were all ready to head out for home.

As they sat together in the back seat, Sam could tell Gabe was still feeling awkward about what had happened. Sam reached over and nudged his knee. When Gabe looked over, Sam smiled at him, letting him know things were cool between them. Gabe relaxed. After a minute, he smirked and leaned over to whisper in Sam’s ear.

“Does this mean you’re still coming over tonight?”

“Hell yeah! I’m ready for round two myself,” he answered with a grin.

Once they got back to Sam’s house, they left a not-very-surprised Cas and Dean to walk inside by themselves and headed to Gabe’s house. One of the benefits of having long arms, and Gabe having a small car, was that Sam’s hands could be plenty busy while driving down the road. Gabriel called him several names since Sam was being a total tease - though less to be playful and more from not particularly wanting to wreck because Gabe had an orgasm behind the wheel.

By the time they got inside the house, Gabriel was already about to shake apart. As soon as the door was closed behind them, Sam was down on his knees trying to take him the rest of the way. Gabriel didn’t even try to protest, though he did say Sam’s name a few times, along with “Please” and a few F-bombs. Through it all, Sam smiled with his eyes, even as Gabe’s hot release hit the back of his throat and he pulled off the shorter man’s cock with a tongue flick that made Gabriel’s whole body twitch.

“Shit, Sam. How do you...that was…”

“Use your words, Trixton.” His grin was that of a warrior who had just easily bested a clever opponent.

“Fucking asshole. Those words do? _Fuck_.” Gabriel was still out of breath.

Sam’s smile softened. “Yeah, yeah. Tough talk, but you know you wouldn’t have me any other way.” It was bordering on dangerous territory, but Sam was in a mood to push the boundaries. “Besides,” he added, voice low and suggestive as he bent to nibble at Gabe’s earlobe. “If the first time we had sex is any indication, you really seem to like assholes.” His tongue darted into Gabe’s ear in a mimic of the “liking” to which Sam was referring.

“Get naked. Now.” It was big talk from a guy lying on the floor barely able to take in oxygen, but Sam complied anyway. He had a vested interested in finding out Gabe’s plans.

So Sam stripped, slowing down and making a tease out of it once he realized Gabe was enjoying the show. Once he was completely naked, Gabe was standing. He crooked a finger at Sam and started walking down the hall. Sam followed, excitement and arousal gathering in his lower body as he walked.

Gabriel stopped in the doorway of his bedroom and pointed to the bed. “Lie down. On your back.” Sam did as he was asked.

Gabe climbed up onto the bed between Sam’s feet. He slid his hand under Sam’s left knee and pressed his leg up and forward until Sam’s thigh was resting against his stomach. Gabriel looked to Sam to make sure he was on board and Sam just licked his lips, loving every second of Gabe being in charge. Gabe hooked his other knee the same way until Sam was totally exposed.

Maintaining eye contact, Gabriel once again dipped his head down and slid his tongue over the crevice where Sam’s cheeks met. On the next pass he went a little deeper, and even deeper still on the the third, until his tongue made contact with Sam’s hole. Sam couldn’t help the full body jerk that went through him or the sound he made.

“You really _do_ like them,” Sam said, breathlessly teasing in an effort to save his sanity.

Gabe pulled his tongue away and Sam whined. “No, Sampson. Just yours.” As if to prove that he did, in fact, like that part of Sam’s anatomy, he renewed his efforts, this time wasting no time with soft, teasing strokes. Instead, all the thrusts of his tongue were hard and fast and probing. Each one demanded that Sam open up to him and Sam could do nothing but lie there and accept, so blind was he with arousal.

“ _Gabe_...Ah, God...so good…” Sam moaned as he writhed on the bed under Gabriel’s relentless mouth.

Then Gabe gave up on tonguing Sam’s ass and moved up to capture his cock. His mouth and tongue were no less demanding. The lubed fingers that began probing Sam then were much gentler though no less insistent. They opened and stretched him, one after the other, until the combined movements of hand and mouth were almost too much for him to take.

Then Gabe was rising up, sliding over his body. He left Sam’s thighs pressed against his belly as he lay atop him, head of Gabe’s cock a dirty tease against Sam’s hole because he didn’t press it inside. Instead, Gabe kissed Sam on the forehead and jumped off the bed. Sam groaned as Gabe disappeared into the bathroom. Then he heard the obvious sounds of mouthwash and Sam’s disappointment quickly turned to gratitude.

He couldn’t help calling out, “Maybe dental dam next time.” He grinned as Gabe peaked out the door to glare at him.

“Assuming there is a next time.”

Sam put on a mock scowl. “That’s not funny, Gabe. My ass is not amused. He is, in fact, crying now. I hope you’re happy.”

Gabe’s smile as he crawled back onto the bed was dark and dangerous. “Not yet, but I’m about to be.” His eyes flicked down. “So is he.” Without another word, he lifted Sam’s legs from where they had fallen in his absence. He hoisted them back up and slid between them, burying himself inside Sam in one slow, fluid movement. Gabe then bent down and kissed Sam with urgency, a ferocious energy that was soon matched by the rhythm of his hips.

Gabe drizzled a little lube onto Sam’s cock and then pressed down on top of him, trapping Sam’s cock between their stomachs so that it slipped and slid easily between them as Gabe rocked inside him. Between the pressure on his dick and Gabe’s cock frequently hitting his p-spot, Sam was soon reaching his limit.

“Fuck, Gabe, that’s...fuck, fuck, fuck!” Sam kept up this litany of swearing for only a few moments before his vision went out and he came on his own stomach and also Gabe’s.

Gabe’s face went dark and hungry and he started moving even faster, capturing Sam’s mouth in a feral kiss. His hands moved from Sam’s thighs to his shoulders and he clutched at him. Sam held onto Gabe’s back as best he could, but his limbs felt liquid. Occasionally, Gabe’s cock would ping his prostate and cause him to cry out and shudder. Finally, after one of these shudders, he clenched just enough to bring on Gabriel’s second orgasm.

Sam watched his face as Gabriel looked down at him without seeing, blind in his ecstasy. In that moment Gabriel was beautiful. This was the most unguarded Sam had seen him in the past 9 years. Sam felt something stirring inside him, but he tamped it down. This was only sex for Gabe. It had to be for him, too.

Gabe collapsed half on top of him, panting harshly. His hand came up to stroke Sam’s sweat-damp hair as he pulled out, but his eyes remained closed. “You’re awesome, Samsam,” he said in a sleepy voice. “Th’best.” Then Sam could feel his breathing even out and he knew that Gabe had fallen asleep in his arms.

* * *

 

A few days into his break, Sam got a voicemail from Gabe. He had been watching Mary so Cas and Dean could go grocery shopping and his niece was in a mood to sing at the top of her lungs, so he hadn’t heard the phone. Once they were back, he went to check the time and saw the call log. He’d only missed the call by about 10 minutes. He hit the button to play the message back.

“Duuuude! Samsung, man, I gotta have ice cream. Call me back and let’s meet at Scoops. We can get it to go so you can hit on me while I eat. Callmecallmecallme!”

Sam laughed, mostly because Gabe already sounded like he’d had too many sweets for the day. He smiled and shook his head as he punched in the number and waited for his obviously insane friend to pick up.

“Ice cream, ice cream, _ice cream_!” was how Gabe answered the phone. “Meet me? Yes?” he asked in a childlike pleading voice.

“You dork. But yeah, I guess I can do that. Um, I can be there in about 5 minutes or so if I don’t stop to change.”

“Yes! Do it! See you then, bye!” Then Gabe was gone.

“Jackass,” Sam whispered with another smiling head shake.

He found Dean in the kitchen, still putting away groceries. “Hey, man, I’m gonna go meet Gabe for ice cream. Probably won’t be gone more than a couple hours. Need me to do anything before I go?”

“Nah, man. You go and have fun. Thanks again for watching Mary.”

“Anytime.” Not wanting to run out as soon as his brother got home, he added, “Man, I can’t believe how fast she can crawl now!”

“I know, she’s a speed demon, right?” Dean was grinning, proud. “That’s my _girl_!” He winked at her in the high chair and she smiled at him joyfully with her ever-increasing number of new teeth. “See you later, bro,” he added as he went back to stocking the fridge.

Even though his house was more than twice as far away, Gabe was already there when Sam arrived. “I was in the parking lot when you called me,” he explained at Sam’s surprised face.

“If you were here why didn’t you just go in?”

Gabe rolled his eyes with his mouth open, as if Sam was the dullest boy he’d ever met. “Because I wanted to get ice cream with _you_ , dumbass. What fun is eating ice cream if I can’t mock your choices and get a speech about my diet?”

Sam just grinned at him and strode inside the building. There were the only customers not already seated, so he walked right up to the cash register to order.

“Hey, can I get a banana split to go?”

“Absolutely, how do you want it?” Sam was happy that the general state of apathy that affected most teens in retail had not affected this particular young man.

“Um, I’d like sugar-free strawberry yogurt, with walnuts and pineapple sauce. No whipped cream.”

“We’re both on the same ticket,” Gabe told the cashier. At Sam’s look of protest, he said, “Don’t worry, Samsung,” which Sam only just realized he was enunciating slightly to sound like ‘Sam’s hung’, “I’m buying. I invited you, remember?”

The cashier carried on as if they weren’t speaking to each other. “Sure, no problem, what can I get you?”

“Sugar cone with a scoop of double fudge on the bottom, a scoop of strawberry creme on top of that, with whipped cream and sprinkles.”

“Also to go?” The cashier asked. Gabe nodded. “Coming right up, gentlemen.”

While they waited, they decided they would take Gabe’s car to the nearby park to eat their goodies. It wasn’t private, but there were areas where they could be more or less alone and away from people. Sam wasn’t sure why Gabriel wanted privacy, since they were just eating ice cream, but he was fine with it. Maybe he’d get a kiss out of the deal, anyway.

They didn’t talk on the drive over. The guy at Scoops had packed Gabe’s cone into a special styrofoam container that looked like the kind used to hold giant hotdogs, but it was still a chore keeping the containers from tilting. They picked a bench surrounded by trees on three sides and sat down beside each other, Gabe on Sam’s left, with their treats.

As Sam opened his split, Gabe scoffed, “Dude, that’s practically vegetables. You can’t even eat ice cream without being too serious about it.”

“Whereas you made sure you didn’t have a single natural ingredient in yours at all. I’m worried you’re gonna get diabetes AND scurvy. I don’t feel right allowing you not to have any fruit. Here, take my cherry.”

Gabe’s face broke into a filthy smirk. “Thought I already did that, Samsung,” he teased in a low voice as he popped the fruit into his mouth.

Sam blushed almost as dark as the maraschino Gabe was chewing. He dropped his eyes to his banana split and spooned up a small bite. A ridiculous smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. They ate in silence for a few minutes before he chanced raising his gaze. He looked up at Gabe through lowered lashes then and lost the last dregs of his embarrassment instantly. He laughed out loud.

“What the hell are you laughing at, Sampson?”

“You’ve got ice cream all over your face, you dork.”

“What? Where?” Gabe swiped at his face with a napkin, missing every single spot except the one he smeared across his cheek and made worse.

“Here let me.”

Giving in to a sudden impulse, Sam leaned close and licked at the drop by Gabe’s lips. Then he proceeded to remove all the other spots in a similar fashion except the one on Gabe’s nose, which he scooped off with his finger and held out for Gabe. Those whiskey eyes went dark and Gabe’s mouth closed around his finger, well beyond where the ice cream had been.

As Gabe suckled hard at his finger, Sam squeaked out, “I, uh, I think I’m done with my ice cream.”

Gabe finally pulled off Sam’s finger with a final swirl of his tongue. “Me, too. Wanna go back to my place?” All Sam could do was nod. As Gabe took their discarded treats to the garbage can, he texted Dean. Even though it was barely 6pm, he said:

**Gonna be longer than I thought. Don’t wait up.**

* * *

 

Since Sam had to fly back on Monday, Gabriel had asked him to come over on Saturday night. He just wanted to hang out with his friend, but, then again, that was all he had wanted when he asked Sam to meet for ice cream, too. He hoped this time he could maintain his control a little better. He didn’t like letting his libido overpower him like that. Well, he had liked the results well enough, but he still preferred to control himself. On top of which, when the sex stopped for good, Gabriel needed to know they’d be able to still be friends afterward without it getting uncomfortable.

Thankfully, when Sam arrived, it seemed that he, too, wanted to keep all his clothes on this time. He kept Gabriel at a physical distance and didn’t flirt, though they did joke around. Somehow, they started talking about music. Gabriel led Sam into the bedroom and, for the first time, his intentions in doing so were totally platonic. He pulled a bin out from under the bed and hopped onto the mattress to dig through it. Sam casually leaned a hip on the foot of the bed. Gabriel didn’t allow his thoughts to linger on how sexy the guy looked in that pose.

“Oh, look, here’s a good one!” he told Sam, holding up a CD. Then he dropped it and grabbed another. “Hey, remember this one?”

“Ha! Is that the one we did karaoke to in my living room?”

Sam was grinning and Gabriel was lost in a wave of nostalgia as he remembered that long ago night - and how Sam’s grin had been just a little different then. There had been another layer to it in those days, when he looked at Gabe. A layer of happiness that was missing now, in this future world where they weren’t a couple. Gabriel didn’t want to be sad about that. He knew all the reasons they couldn’t be together again. It was stupid to wish for it when he knew it couldn’t happen.

He put the CD back in the box and forced a smirk as he grabbed up a CD he knew would embarrass Sam. “What about this one, Sambone? Do you remember crooning to this little gem?”

“Oh, you jackass! Why do you even still have that?”

“Please, I’ve still got ‘em all, Sampson.”

Sam leveled a calculating look at him and Gabriel tried not to be aroused by it. “Oh, yeah? You’ve still got that Asia CD you made a fool of yourself singing? As I recall, you even dressed up for that one.”

“‘Heat of the Moment’ is a classic song, Samwise Assie.” He dug around the box, but didn’t see it. Then he remembered. “Right, I think it’s in another storage tote. You wanna grab it out of the closet for me?”

“Sure, which one?” Sam asked as he rose and walked over to the closet a few feet away. There were several plastic containers on the shelves, so Sam kept touching them, one at a time while Gabe directed him from the bed. “I think it’s in that box there. No, the blue one.”

Sam opened it and dug around for a second before Gabriel saw him freeze in place.

“Sam-O? What’s wrong? Did I leave a dead rat in there?”

Without a word, Sam pulled the small, worn teddy bear from the box. The piece of candy was now barely attached and the “You’re beary sweet” had a couple of small brown stains on it, but Gabe had taken care of it as best he could, considering how long he’d slept with it - and how many times he’d cried on it. He hadn’t intended for Sam to see it and cursed himself for not remembering it was there. Sam’s eyes were wide for a second and Gabe was worried about what his reaction might be. But then Sam smiled and put the box down.

“Come on,” he said, grabbing Gabe by the hand and pulling him up. “Let’s go. I wanna show you something.”

Gabriel tried to protest, to ask where they were going, but Sam just ushered him into the car and brooked no arguments. Gabe was kind of interested to see where Sam might take him, so he let himself be led along. The only attempts at conversation on the ride were Gabriel’s half-hearted questions about their destination and the reason for it. Other than that, and Sam’s refusals to give any hints, they didn’t speak.

Dean was surprised when Sam and Gabriel walked in unannounced, but Sam just held a finger to his lips and led Gabriel upstairs to the bedroom Sam had called home from the ages of 13 to 18. It was Gabriel’s turn to freeze when Sam all but shoved him through the door. In the corner to the right of the door was the giant “I love you” bear that Gabriel had given Sam, on the same day Sam had given Gabe the smaller bear.

“You kept it?” His voice was awed.

“You kept yours,” Sam said with lowered eyebrows and a shrug.

“Yeah, but, Sam-O, this thing isn’t something you can hide in a box and forget about. This is a beast that’s out there for everyone to see. That’s...I just…”

Sam, looking slightly uncomfortable now, clarified, “It was actually in storage for a long time.” He shrugged again, this time a little defensively, Gabriel thought. “Dean saw it when he went to get some of his things out last year and decided to put it up in here to make me smile when I got home.”

Gabriel tried to swallow, but his mouth was suddenly lacking in moisture. “And did it?” he asked. “Make you smile?”

Sam smiled at the question. “Of course it did, Gabe. That was a really great day. For a lot of reasons, but you and that bear were two of the biggest ones.” He ducked his head, suddenly embarrassed. “I know it’s been a really long time, man. You probably didn’t even realize you still had yours.” Sam looked at him with a question in his eyes.

Gabriel thought about lying. He considered agreeing that yes, he’d forgotten all about that stupid bear and the stupid way his stupid heart had pounded in his throat when Sam had given it to him after they had both stupidly professed to being in love with each other. But he didn’t lie. He didn’t say those things.

“Of course I knew it was there, Sampson.” He looked away from Sam, turning instead to stare at the teddy bear on the floor. He could hardly believe he’d missed it when he was here before, but then again, his mind had been on naked Sam.  He drug his eyes back up to Sam’s. “You were my first love, you gigantic ass.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be out of town, so it will take me a bit longer to reply to comments, but I hope when I arrive at my destination that you lovelies will have left me some because they are my favorite things. ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a chat with Gabriel. Sam comes home for the summer. Gabriel makes an important decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darlings, there is so little left! I hope, after the love you showered me with last chapter, that you aren't going to hate me at the end of the next couple! 
> 
> There are definite feels in this chapter, but nothing too bad, I don't think. The next chapter may require some emotional fortification. It will be rough and there will be trigger warnings and I am warning you in advance.
> 
> art by netherwings.tumblr.com

Sam was having a hard time remembering not to let his emotions get the better of him. He was back at Stanford now and while he was thankfully able to concentrate on all his classes and work, he wasn’t able to block thoughts of Gabe when he wasn’t working or studying. He missed the guy like crazy. Deep down he knew it wasn’t just physical and it wasn’t just friendship and he was having a really hard time keeping up the denial.

When he had had to leave that last Saturday, they had kissed goodbye. _Do you kiss like that when you’re just friends with benefits?_ he wondered. He was pretty sure he knew the answer. It had not been a passionate, “can’t wait to get you naked again” kiss. It had been a slow, deep, “I really hate to leave you again” kiss. At least, it had been for Sam. He honestly didn’t know what Gabe was feeling.

And that was more or less the problem right there, he realized as he lay in bed, willing himself to fall asleep. He didn’t know if Gabe was following his own rules. Sometimes, Gabe seemed really emotionally detached, just as the man claimed to want. But other times, especially when they were touching or talking about the old days, Gabriel would look at Sam the way he used to.

Sam’s breath would catch because for that moment, at least, he felt like Gabe’s walls were down. He felt in those seconds as though he was on the verge of having what he wanted. But then Sam would blink, or the moment would pass, and Gabe’s walls would be firmly back in place. The smirk replaced the smile and sarcasm replaced sentiment.

Sam didn’t know what to do. He had promised himself he wouldn’t get attached, but who had he been kidding? For all that they were only kids when they met, he hadn’t really gotten over Gabe until Jess had come along.

A sudden realization hit him full in the chest and he sat up in bed, heart pounding. He’d been ready to marry Jessica. To build a whole life together, just the two of them, till death did they part. Yet, here he was, less than two years later, already getting over it and letting her go. He was already with someone else, even if not the way he wanted.

What did that say about what he had felt for Gabe?

He knew, without a doubt, that his feelings for Jess had been real. She’d been one of a kind, amazing, and everything he could have wanted in a wife. He’d loved her almost on sight and still did. He had been a kid when he met Gabe, though a mature one, to be sure. It hadn’t been love at first sight, but they _had_ connected the first time they’d spoken. There had been and still was a bond there, unlike anything Sam had ever experienced with anyone else. Not even with Jessica, as much as he hated admitting it.

As he slowly lay back onto his pillow again, Sam made a decision. He was going to try to convince Gabe that they could be together. He had to at least try. If what he had with Gabe was even stronger than what he’d shared with Jess - and it obviously was - then he couldn’t settle for just being fuck buddies. Not without at least _trying_ to convince Gabe to let them be more. Once the decision was made, Sam felt himself relax. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.

He dreamed that Gabe wanted to keep the giant teddy bear at his house and he wanted Sam to live there as the bear’s caretaker, but he refused to let Sam sleep in his bed or be his boyfriend, even though he did want them to continue having sex. When Sam woke up, he hardly needed his psych classes to tell him what the dream meant.

He was afraid Gabe was willing to ask him for everything but give him nothing. Or that Gabe was willing to allow them to have everything except the one thing Sam wanted most. Sam still felt like he had to try. He wasn't sure if it would jeopardize their friendship, but he hoped not. He wanted to stay friends, regardless of whether Gabe ever wanted more. It would hurt and it would take some time, but he would want it, just the same.

A couple of weeks later, Gabe came up for another visit. This time, he left his manager in charge so he could stay past the weekend. Sam considered broaching the topic of couplehood, but he decided to leave it be until he was home for the summer. Gabe seemed pleased when Sam said he had decided not to take summer classes and would therefore be in Southpoint the full few months.

They went sight-seeing during the day, whenever Sam wasn’t in class or at work. Mostly, they just had a lot of really phenomenal sex. Every morning, though, they woke up tangled together. When Gabriel came down with a migraine halfway through the week, Sam massaged his head until he fell asleep - and then held him as he cried after a particularly vicious round of nightmares.

He didn’t even suggest that Gabe tell him what they were about. The more Sam thought about it, the more he realized he didn’t care if Gabe ever told him. He wanted to know the guy inside and out, it was true, but Sam also realized he already knew everything that was important about what kind of person Gabe was. And Sam recognized that if he were given a choice between not having Gabe at all or having him, but never knowing that one secret, he would choose not knowing what happened and having Gabe in his life.

He reflected that maybe that would be a good way to start the conversation about them having a more serious relationship. Sam was still sure, though, that that talk needed to wait until he was back home. Right now, it would be far too easy for Gabe to use his own flight home as an easy excuse to run away and end things completely. If Sam was going to be in town all summer, he’d have plenty of opportunity to plead his case. He’d waited 9 years. He could wait a few more weeks.

* * *

 

It had been less than a week since Gabe left Sam and flew home. He was more or less getting used to spending time with the Winchesters in Sam’s absence, but somehow it still always managed to surprise him when Dean called to invite him over. When he got over there this time, it was Dean who answered the door instead of Cas, which was unusual. That probably should have been a tip off that not all was normal, but Gabriel didn’t really think anything of it, other than to wonder where Cas was.

When he saw that Mary was neither in her swing nor at the table in the kitchen, he became more curious. Dean had walked to the kitchen and came back carrying two beers. He jerked his head toward the patio doors and invited Gabriel outside with him.

Handing one of the beers to Gabe, Dean instructed, “Cop a squat,” as he himself took a seat on one of the patio steps that led to the yard. Gabriel did as requested, eyeing Dean nervously as he did so. He twisted the cap off the Shiner he’d been given and took a long pull, waiting for Dean to say whatever it was he’d brought Gabriel out here for.

It was a full minute before Dean started speaking in a low, soft voice. “When you left for Illinois, Sam was a wreck. He held it together, most of the time, but he wasn’t happy. He got through it because you two were still talking all the time and video chatting, but he was basically living for spring break.”

Gabriel felt his stomach drop at the words. They’d stopped talking before the spring break trip. More to the point, Gabe had made them stop talking. Gabriel now knew what this little talk was all about. This was a “You hurt my baby once and if you do it again I’m going to kill you” speech. He wasn’t prepared. He didn’t want to hear about how bad it had been for Sam. It had been bad enough for him. He had told himself...well, it didn’t matter. Dean was speaking again, anyway, and he’d better pay attention - whether he wanted to or not.

“You have no idea how much he was looking forward to that trip, Gabe. He had it all planned and he was ready. I mean, he’d already packed his bag by February.” Dean flicked his eyes at Gabe, but quickly looked away again. Not before Gabriel had seen the remembered pain in them. “Hell, you know, Cas and I were kind of excited, too. We were gonna see you and then go do our own thing while you two had your week together…”

“Dean, I - “

“Look, Gabe, you were 12, ok? I get it. I’m not trying to punish you for a decision you made when you were just a kid - and already so damned turned around by life you barely knew which way was up. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, all right?” He turned those green eyes on Gabriel’s whiskey ones and Gabe could only nod.

“I’m telling you all this so you know how it was. It was hard. Me and Sam and Cas, we went through a whole lot of hard stuff that year, but Sam losing you? Twice? That was definitely top five, man.” He took a long swig of his beer. “When you moved, it wrecked him, but when the spring break thing didn’t happen...he just kind of stopped for a while, Gabe. He went through the motions of everything, but he was like a shadow. He was there, but...not in any tangible way.”

Gabriel felt tears pricking his eyes and suspected Dean was having the same problem, if his long pause and longer swallow of beer was any indication. The older Winchester brother finished the rest of his Shiner in that last pull and got up to get another, raising his empty at Gabriel in question. Gabriel looked at his bottle, half empty and nodded. He downed the rest while Dean was gone.

When Dean came back, he seemed more settled again. “Let’s see, where was I?” he asked, handing Gabe his fresh bottle. “Oh, yeah. Sam the shadow.” The smile that ghosted across part of his face was very sad. “That lasted a few weeks. It was bad, but then when we started buying stuff for this place, he finally started showing signs of life again.” Gabe had a feeling Dean was skimming the surface of what he had planned to say, but he wasn’t going to bring attention to it. “He started getting excited about things for his room and making plans for the future.”

Gabriel felt the need to defend himself, even though Dean said that wasn’t what this was about. He still needed Dean to know. “I was the same way. Not talking to Sam was like...losing a limb. My mom tried to make me go to therapy, but I wouldn’t go. I - “ He hesitated, not sure whether to bring it up or not. “I cut myself again. Just once, but…” He let out a shaky breath. “I don’t want you to think that I stopped talking to him because I didn’t care, Dean. I cared too much.”

Dean looked at him for a long time. “I’m glad it was just once, Gabe.” They sat and drank their beers in silence for a while before Dean finally returned to his story. “After we moved in here, things got better and they stayed that way for a while. Then, when summer was winding up and school was coming around, he started missing you all over again. He got it into his head that he had to write you a letter. That you couldn’t hang up on a letter. I don’t know if you ever actually hung up on him, but I do know he said he was too scared to call for fear that you would.”

“I never did. I’d have answered, if he’d called me. Assuming he called before Uriel found us and we had to leave in the middle of the night.” There was bitterness in his voice. He wasn’t directing it at Dean, but he knew it might sound that way. “Mad at him, not you.” Dean just nodded.

“I don’t know if you knew he wrote you, since you were already gone by then.”

Dean looked at him and Gabriel confirmed, “He told me after we met up again.”

“When that letter came back returned to sender...Sam just went a little crazy for a while. First he got really quiet again. Then he got into some really awful emo music.” Dean gave another ghost of a smile, but then it faded. “Once he got to high school, he started acting like a totally different person for a while. He was hanging out with all these obnoxious people - kinda acted like a little shit for 6 months or so. He sort of snapped out of it after that, but he still only dated a little bit. He went out with a couple of really terrible girls he didn’t care anything about in freshman and sophomore year. Otherwise, he didn’t date anyone at all, until Jess.”

Gabriel started to speak, but Dean cut him off with a raised hand. “Like I said, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I just need you to know what Sam went through.” He stared pointedly at Gabe. “There was a time I would have told you not to do that to him again, that he can’t go through that again.” Dean ripped at the label on his bottle. “But Sam is fully capable of making his own choices. He’s been through a lot of shit and he’s survived all of it. He’s tough. I just need you to understand that if you walk away again, he’s gonna be fucked up for a long time. And I don’t think you want that, any more than I do.”

Gabriel wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say that. He didn’t want to walk away. He also knew, though, that what he and Sam were doing couldn’t last. Someone was going to get hurt. He needed them to go back to being just friends, if he could. He didn’t know if Sam would be willing to be just friends again, though. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He should never have let himself give into the temptation of sex with Sam.

“I can’t give him what he wants, Dean. But we can’t keep going like we are and I don’t know if he’ll accept going back to how we were. He may be the one who makes me walk away.”

“Look, man, I don’t know why you think you can’t have more than whatever the two of you have right now. You and Sam are good together and always have been. Sam cares about you, too. I don’t know why you think it isn’t enough to make something more work, but I can tell you that it _is_ enough that I don’t think he’s gonna throw you out of his life, if he doesn’t have to.”

Gabriel finished the rest of his beer in one long series of swallows. He opened his mouth and closed it several times without speaking. Finally, in a rushed soft voice he told Dean, “I’m broken, Dean. So broken. And Sam deserves so much better than that. He deserves the white picket fence he was chasing with Jessica. I can’t - “

“He deserves a _chance_ , Gabe. We’re all broken. Even Sam. I’m guessing you don’t want my advice, but I’m gonna give it to you free, anyway. Whatever it is you’re carrying around, talk to him about it. Give him the opportunity to decide if it’s too much for him or not.”

Anger swelled in Gabe’s chest then, this time at Dean. “And if I do that and he says it _is_ too much? What then, man? Because I gotta tell you, I am not strong enough to handle that. That kind of rejection, especially from Sam…” His anger ebbed away and a noise that he hoped didn’t sound as much like a sob as it was escaped him. “It would be too much for me, Dean. And opening myself up to that risk is something that takes more trust than I am capable of.”

Dean held up his hands in surrender. “Look, I’m telling you, that’s not gonna happen, but just...he’ll be home for the whole summer in a few weeks. So just think about it, ok?”

“Am I interrupting?” It was Cas. Gabriel turned around to wave and saw Cas was holding pizza boxes.

“Nope, perfect timing, babe.”

Dean gave Castiel a look filled with so much emotion that it made something in Gabriel break apart. One of his defensive walls just caved in and fell away in that moment. Dean had looked like Sam when he was looking at his husband. And Gabriel realized he desperately wanted Sam to look at him the way Dean had just looked at Cas. He also realized there was only one way for that to ever happen. He would have to do as Dean suggested. He would have to come clean about his past.

He briefly debated whether he could try for something with Sam without telling him about Gordon, but he immediately discarded the idea. Even if Sam would allow it - which Gabe was reasonably sure he wouldn’t - Gabriel didn’t want a relationship built on secrets.

As Cas walked away, Gabriel told Dean, “I will think about it, Dean. You’re right, I don’t want Sam to get hurt and I don’t want him out of my life again. I can’t promise, though, all right?”

“Fair enough, kiddo. You hungry? I hope you are, because no one else is gonna eat BBQ pineapple pizza.” Dean winked as he stood up and walked inside.

Dean didn’t revisit the subject as they ate, keeping conversation light. It turned out Mary was with Charlie for the evening. Gabriel found himself slightly disappointed. The little girl was a charmer, for sure. She always lifted his mood.

He was halfway through his third slice of pizza when his phone buzzed a text. He wiped his hands and checked it, expecting it to be from his father, since they had talked about getting together that night. Perhaps that’s why the text he got instead shocked him so much.

**> I wish you were naked in my bed right now**

**Uh, fully dressed @ your bro's kitchen table - AWKWARD!**

**( but same here ) >;P**

"I'm gonna guess that's Sam?" Dean asked, amused. Gabriel saw that even Castiel was smirking.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"Oh, nothing, Gabe. We're just guessing by the look on your face he wasn't talking about the weather." The wink Dean added was the bit that made him blush.

"Shut up," he told them, but he couldn't entirely hold back the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth. He'd never had uncles who teased him about boys before. He kind of loved and hated it at the same time.

"You know, Dean," Castiel observed, his face a picture of innocence. "It doesn't seem very much like Gabby wants any of the pie you baked him, does it to you?"

"You know, now that you mention it, Cas, it does not seem that way at all. I guess I'll have to eat it all myself."

"Now, now let's not be hasty. I was just about to mention that you're my two favorite uncles and your daughter is my favorite cousin."

"Except Sam," Cas said with wicked smile at Dean.

Gabriel groaned, but Dean belly-laughed.

"You're both sick people," Gabriel informed them, taking an angry bite of his pizza before throwing it back onto the plate.

When he was finally done laughing, though, Dean took pity on Gabriel and brought him a huge slice of warm apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream.  He decided before his first bite touched his lips that his uncles were forgiven.

* * *

 

Gabriel had been over it and over it in his head. He was going to invite Sam over and he was going to tell him everything. After that, they would see how much, if anything, Sam still wanted them to be to each other. As he waited at the store for Sam to send word that he’d landed, Gabriel thought he just might climb out of his skin in the meantime.

He jumped when his phone rang. It was Dean again. Some part of him panicked that something had happened to Sam, but the more rational parts of him quieted the voice.

“Hey, Dean-O, what’s up?”

“Heya, Gabe. Sam’s plane should be landing pretty soon. Cas and I were wondering if you wanted to meet us all over at Ellen’s for dinner. I know it’s last minute. We meant to call sooner, but I got swamped at work.”

“Hm, lemme check my schedule, Unc,” he told him nonchalantly. In truth, Gabriel was thrilled. He had been expecting to be invited earlier, since it seemed to have become their custom to have him either at the airport or at dinner on pickup day. He’d been disappointed when no call had come in.

“Not gonna beg, Trixton,” Dean got out before Cas took the phone away.

“Gabe, we would really love to see you and so would Sam. What Dean means to say is that we hope you won’t make us beg, but we will if we must.”

That got a chuckle from Gabriel. “All right, all right, Shushtiel, I’ll be there. How soon do you think?”

“Probably an hour and a half?”

“That’s perfect. That gives me plenty of time to close up shop. See you then, Uncles.”

“Ok. We love you, Gabe,” Cas told him easily, shocking him.

“Um, yeah, you, too, Castiel. And, uh, Dean. Bye.” When he had hung up, he had a small shy smile on his face. _One thing about it, if I do start a real relationship with Sam, I’m already in with the parents_ , he thought.

One hour and fifteen minutes later, he pulled into a parking space at Ellen’s. He ran a hopefully taming hand through his hair and then stepped out of the car. His heart was already pounding and he wasn’t even going to tell Sam anything at dinner. He told himself he was being ridiculous. He squared his shoulders and went inside to face Ellen’s monster hug.

She didn’t disappoint. He was pretty sure 3 of his ribs were actually broken. She seated him in the same table he and Sam had occupied before and went off to get the drinks he’d ordered for everyone. She was back within moments and he sipped his beer as he watched the door. When he got tired of that, he played with his phone until he felt his neck prickle.

He looked up just as Sam walked through the door. Gabriel saw clearly how Sam’s face lit up when he spotted Gabe sitting there. Sam quickly schooled his expression into something less excited, but Gabriel had already seen it. It both warmed and scared him to know Sam got that happy just from seeing him unexpectedly. He had no idea what had shown on his own face in that unguarded moment, but he smiled warmly at Sam as he walked toward the table.

When Sam got close, Gabriel stood up and pulled him into a hug. “Good to see you, Samford.”

Sam squeezed back, a little shyly, Gabriel thought. “You, too, Gabe. Gabriel. Shit, I keep forgetting.”

Gabriel let out a sound that he thought must be what a “guffaw” actually was. “Sam-O, do you really think I’ve got any room to complain about what _you_ call _me_?” He clapped him on the arm and scooted back into the booth, motioning for Sam to sit next to him. “I got you a beer.”

“You’re drinking beer, too? I’m surprised – oh. Should have known,” he said with a smirk as he spotted the word chocolate on the label.

“Hey! I will have you know that I drank not one but _two_ plain ole Shiners a couple weeks ago with your brother. I am expanding my horizons, Sampson. Truly, I am a changed man.”

“Oh, yeah?” Then Sam got a little more serious. “Changed enough that we could go on a real date?”

Gabriel was relieved that Dean and Cas chose that moment to show up at the table. “Sorry, we had to, uh, do some stuff in the car.”

Sam rolled his eyes and explained to Gabriel, “They were totally making out while I was walking inside. I’d be completely grossed out if it wasn’t so adorable for old men to still be able to – “

“Hey! Who you calling old, Bigfoot?”

Before it could escalate into a full scale battle, Ellen arrived to get her hugs from the 3 newcomers. By the time she had left, they had forgotten all about the squabbling. Sam reached for Gabriel’s hand under the table. Gabe hesitated at first, but then squeezed back, once, before letting go.

“So where is little Shustiel Junior?”

“She’s with Charlie until we get home from dinner. You’re welcome to come back to the house with us and see her, if you want,” Cas offered.

“Yeah, sure, that sounds great. I miss the little munchkin.”

“I can’t believe she’s almost a year old,” Sam enthused.

They made similar chit chat as they ordered and then waited for their food. Halfway through the meal, Gabriel realized he was reaching a state of near panic. He wasn’t sure how it had started, if it was the look on Sam’s face or the hand holding or his question about a real date, but something had set off a volley of doubts in his head. He couldn’t tell Sam about his past. He had to have him in his life, he couldn’t risk losing him. Better to stay friends with benefits and not tell him anything.

The problem, of course, was that Gabriel didn’t _want_ to stay friends with benefits. And so, he was quietly losing his shit while becoming less and less aware of the dinner conversation going on around him. He wasn’t sure how long he had spaced when he heard Sam call his name a couple of times.

“Hm?”

“You zoned out, man. You ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine, sorry. Just a work thing on my mind. I’m being rude. My apologies.”

After that, he did his best to pay attention, but he wasn’t sure exactly what they had talked about until time to head back to their house.

“You mind if I ride with you?” Sam asked as they walked to the door.

“Of course not,” Gabriel lied. He did his best to smile normally, but he wasn’t sure he was successful. He hoped Sam wouldn’t ask about the date again.

Naturally, as soon as they were in the car and out of the parking lot, Sam brought it up.

“Look, I can tell something is up with you and if it’s about the date thing, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s something I would like to talk about at some point, but it doesn’t have to be right now or even this month. I just wanted you to know where I am with this. We’ve done the friends with benefits thing and it’s been working, but I would still like more. Just putting that out there, ok? If you’re not ready, you’re not.”

Gabriel nodded thoughtfully, calming a little. Then he asked, “What if I’m never ready?”

“Then I’m gonna need a lot more of those benefits,” Sam told him with a leer and a wink.

Gabriel found himself smiling easily. He didn’t think he was ready to tell Sam, after all. But he thought maybe Sam was really willing to wait. Maybe it would all be ok after all.

* * *

 

Sam was excited. He couldn’t help it. He’d be seeing Gabe in just a few hours. That last visit had been amazing and since Sam had decided to push for more, he was optimistic that things were going to get even better. He just had to convince Gabe he wasn’t going anywhere. He boarded the plane with a smile on his face that didn’t leave the whole flight.

When they picked him up, Cas and Dean let him know that Gabe would be at dinner and the smile only got wider. They talked the whole way to the restaurant, and Sam knew he must have contributed to the conversation, but all that seemed to be in his head was _GabeGabeGabeGabeGabe_ on an endless loop. When he left his brothers in the car making goo-goo eyes at each other, his heart was pounding. Then he walked through the door and saw Gabe and couldn’t stop the joy from immediately spreading across his face.

He brought up dating at the first opportunity, not wanting to allow himself too much time to chicken out. Dean and Cas interrupted, but Gabe hadn’t immediately run away, so that seemed like a good sign. Then he tried holding hands and that had gone ok, too. Soon, though, he noticed that Gabe was not himself. He was lost in thought and not remotely paying attention to the rest of them.

Sam thought maybe he should ease off and let Gabe have a chance to think about things. He’d said what he wanted to say, let Gabe know he still wanted more. Maybe now was a good time to tell Gabe he would willingly wait as long as it took for Gabe to be ready. Sam wasn’t going anywhere and Gabe needed to know that, first and foremost.

When they got in the car, he could tell Gabe was incredibly tense. It was clear he’d wanted to ride alone. So Sam rushed right into an explanation. He was pretty sure Gabe relaxed when he was done, that things were ok again. He hoped so.

When they got back to the house, Charlie was just pulling up into the driveway. The  parents gathered up their bundle of joy outside, but still invited Charlie into the house for a drink before she went home. She came inside, but said she couldn’t stay long.

“Hot date tonight with my girl,” she told them all with a wink. “So I gotta go home and change. The smell of formula is not exactly an aphrodisiac, you feel me?”

Dean, who had handed the baby off to Gabe, wrapped his arms around Cas from behind and put his head on his shoulder, smelling Cas’ neck.

“I dunno,” he told them. “It kinda works for me.”

“Is there anything that doesn’t work for you?” Cas teased.

“Nothing about you,” he whispered low enough that Sam thought they probably weren’t supposed to hear it.

Cas stared at Dean with stars in his eyes and Sam cleared his throat loudly. “Guys, I love you, but, uh, maybe don’t scar all of us for life right now? More than we already are, that is.”

“Jealous,” Dean declared, but he pulled back from where he’d been nuzzling Cas’ neck.

Then Dean caught sight of Mary, happily playing patty-cake with Gabe and smiled. Sam couldn’t help smiling at it, too. It was pretty adorable. He patently ignored the pang in his chest. He _was_ jealous. He wished he and Gabe had been together all this time, too. That Gabe had never been hurt like he had been and that they were together for real. But he tamped those thoughts down.

Thankfully, the doorbell distracted him. He wasn’t aware they were expecting anyone, but Dean didn’t look surprised when he walked over to answer the door. The visitor turned out to be John and everyone except Gabe hugged and greeted him warmly.

“Hey, Charlie. Good to see you. How’s your girlfriend?”

“She’s good. I actually better go or mad is how she’s gonna be, since I’ll be late. It was nice seeing you again. We’ll catch up next time, I promise,” she told him with a smile. Then she hugged them all and made her exit.

“Hi, I’m John.” He was extending a hand toward Gabe, who looked confused and a few other things which Sam thought might have included angry and a little afraid.

Sam wasn’t sure he would, but Gabe finally reached out and took John’s hand. “Gabriel. We’ve actually met.”

The smile on John’s face was replaced by one of contrition. “Oh. Sam told me you two were back in touch, but I didn’t make the connection. It’s, uh, nice to see you again under better circumstances. I, um, I quit drinking a little over 7 years ago, so…” He swallowed. “I am not the bastard you met back then.”

“Yep, Dad even made it to our wedding reception. We’re pretty proud of him,” Dean told Gabe.

Gabriel’s face cleared and he smiled at John at last, which loosened something in Sam’s chest. “In that case, I’m glad to meet the real you, John. And it looks like this little girl is anxious to get her hands on you,” he told them with a laugh as Mary attempted to wriggle out of Gabe’s arms to get to her grandfather.

For the rest of the time that John was there, Gabe kept shooting Sam odd, contemplative looks that Sam didn’t understand. Sam finally gave him a confused expression in return, but Gabe just shook his head with a strange smile. Once John was gone, Gabe said he had better be getting home, too. He hugged Dean and Cas, and then he asked Sam to walk him to the door.

Sam did, disappointed that Gabe was leaving so soon and not even trying to hide it. However, at the door, Gabe surprised him with a kiss - and not a chaste one.

“Hang out with your family till they go to sleep,” Gabe told him, hand still on the back of Sam’s neck. “Then come over. We need to talk.” He pressed another quick kiss to Sam’s lips and smiled at him before turning away.

When Sam walked back into the living room, he saw that both Cas and Dean had their eyes on him. Dean spoke first, noting, “Seems like whatever was wrong at dinner, he’s gotten over it.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. He wants me to come over later. Says we need to talk. He wouldn’t have kissed me like that if it was bad...right?”

“Sam, we’ve spent quite a bit of time with Gabriel over the past few months and one thing is for certain. He wants you in his life,” Cas assured him. “But no, I don’t think that was a bad news kiss,” he agreed, giving Sam an indulgent smile.

Sam smiled back, not entirely convinced, but hopeful. They all played with Mary until it was time for her bath. Cas hugged Sam before heading over to take the baby from Dean and head upstairs. When they were gone, Dean threw his arm around Sam’s shoulder and squeezed, but didn’t let go.

“We aren’t going to bed yet, but you go on to Gabe’s, Sammy.” Sam started to protest, but Dean talked over him. “Look, I know you’re dying to hear what he’s got to say and there’s no point in you hanging out here counting the seconds till we nod off. We’ve got you for the whole summer and we’ve had you all night.” He winked. “Besides, with you gone, Cas and I can get freaky.” His wiggling eyebrows would have made Gabe proud.

“Man, what has gotten into you today?” Sam was laughing, but he was genuinely interested. Dean had been acting like a horny teenager ever since they’d had picked him up.

“You mean besides Cas?”

“Ugh, gross, yep, ok, leaving now, leaving! You’re a pig, Dean!” Sam told him as he headed for the door, half amused and half seriously squicked out.

He got to Gabe’s only a short time later, having driven fast to try and avoid his bad thoughts. It had nearly worked, but he was still nervous as he walked up to the door. He only became more so as he knocked and waited for Gabe to answer. Some of his tension went away, though, at Gabe’s warm smile of greeting.

“You’re earlier than I expected. I’m glad, though. Come on in.”

Sam followed him over to the couch, but before sitting, Gabe turned around and headed back toward the kitchen.

“On second thought, Samsam, I’m gonna get myself a drink. You want anything?”

“Beer would be good. Thanks.”

Sam sat down and rubbed sweaty palms against his pants to dry them as he waited for Gabe to come back. He looked around at nothing, wanting to skip ahead to the part where he found out what was going to happen next with them. He wanted a relationship with Gabe so much. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do if Gabe said they had to go back to just friends. After that kiss, he sort of doubted that was what was about to happen, but he wasn’t sure. Gabe had also called him Samsam, and that was a good sign, right?

“I hope Newcastle is ok. Dad left some in the fridge and it looks like that’s all the beer I’ve got left.”

“That’s fine, yeah.” Sam’s nerves only jumped higher when he saw the rather large gulp of alcohol that Gabe took before he sat down.

After he sat, though, Gabe stopped beating around the bush, though he wouldn’t make eye contact. “I know you want more from me, Sam. More than friends and more than fuck buddies. The truth is, I want it, too.”

Sam’s heart leapt into his throat, but his joy was quickly tempered by Gabe’s next statements.

“But before we can decide to take that step, you need to know what’s happened to me and what I’ve done.” Gabe’s sad whiskey eyes drew up level with Sam’s. “After you know everything, then you can decide whether being with me is something you really want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW! I read the ending sentence and told Mahbbys "They're gonna be so mad at me for ending it there!" And she agreed, "I know what _happens_ and it upsets me." We will try to get the next two chapters up close together, but I can't promise. 
> 
> Tell me your thinky thoughts, even if you're mad at me (because I have a comment addiction and I need them like air). ♥


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel finally reveals his secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the last chapter was such a cliffhanger (and because mahbbys is so awesome), I am posting this today and the final one in a couple of days. I am so sorry for what is talked about in this chapter. Mahbbys is back to using only swear words to speak to me.
> 
>  ** _In order to avoid spoilers, I am posting the triggers at the bottom!!_**
> 
> I am also putting in a big, fat Trigger Warning header before that part of the story and a big, fat End Trigger Warning after, so that you can easily skip that part of the story.
> 
> # TRIGGERS: If you are in danger of being triggered, please click the "More Notes" button to see all the warnings!!

Gabriel was shocked, to put it mildly, when John Winchester walked through the door of Cas and Dean’s house. He was even more surprised by the ease with which the man interacted with Sam, Dean, Cas and even Charlie. Learning he had finally gotten sober explained a lot, but Gabriel watched Sam for any sign of the old hurt, the old animosity. He watched each interaction between Sam and John for any hint that Sam still bore any sort of grudge or distrust.

He found none. Sam was fully at ease with his father. He clearly had forgiven John his transgressions and left the past in the past. Sam and his father shared an easy, open affection now - as they all seemed to share with John, in fact - and while it wasn’t quite father-son, Sam showed nothing of the anger and mistrust he used to always have in relation to John - even when they were getting along.

Seeing how Sam had forgiven John made Gabriel’s thinking turn a corner. If Sam could get past all the things that his father had done and said, all the hurt that John had directly caused Sam and Dean in their early lives, Gabriel thought there was a good chance that Sam could learn Gabriel’s darkest shame and find a way to love him anyway.

Gabriel certainly hoped so, because he had found himself kissing Sam like he was heading off to war and then telling the guy they needed to talk. He was locked in now. He was going to tell Sam what had happened. He almost wished he had dragged Sam away from his family, but he knew that would have been a rather shitty thing to do on his first night home.

On the other hand, it would have saved him from sitting around and jumping up to pace and then sitting down again - unable to stop and focus on anything. He jumped at every little noise, but he barely registered anything outside his own thoughts. He was trying not to think too much about the story he was planning to tell Sam. He didn’t want to rehearse it - he didn’t even want to _think_ about it until absolutely necessary.

Then suddenly, Sam was at the door and it was showtime. When Gabriel got to the couch, he realized he very much needed a drink to get through the telling. When he told Sam he wanted more than they had, Gabriel saw the happiness that lit up his eyes. Then he saw it turn into something else when he kept speaking. There was fear there, and sadness. Gabriel knew it would only get worse.

Finding that the alcohol was not enough, Gabriel reached out and took Sam’s hand.

“Samsam, what I’m about to tell you, it’s a nasty story. I need you to be prepared for not liking any part of it. It’s gonna hurt you and make you angry and you’re gonna hear things you’ll wish you hadn’t. You need to know you may not be able to look at me the same way afterward. Right now, you want to date and be boyfriends, but when I’m done talking, you might not anymore.”

“That’s what you’ve been scared of all along,” Sam guessed. Gabriel just nodded. “You may be right. I may see you differently after you’re done, but I told you before that I know you’re not capable of doing the few things that could make me hate you or not want you in my life.”

“We’ll see, Sam, ok? Just...this is not going to be easy for me. If you could save any questions until I’m finished, that will probably help. I don’t know if I can get through this as it is, so interruptions are a definite no-no, ok?”

“I won’t interrupt. Are you sure you wanna do this tonight?” Gabriel nodded again, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to do this at all. “Ok. Well, listen, if you need to stop and leave the room or if you need me to hold you or go get you ice cream or do a striptease,” he joked, earning a small smile from Gabriel, “Or _whatever_ you need to help you, just say the word. I’m here for whatever you need.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

Gabriel smiled, but it was pained. It had been a long time since he’d talked about this. He knew he had to, but he didn’t want to start, didn’t really know how. Then suddenly, somehow, the words were just there, spilling out.

“After everything that happened to me, and having to get my GED, I never expected to go to college. This guy Baldur, though, he convinced me I should give it a go. He told me I was never gonna get away from my past if I didn’t do something more useful with my time than wait tables or work in shitty retail jobs.”

Gabriel hadn’t even gotten to the lead up to the bad part yet, but already he was feeling vulnerable. He looked at Sam for a moment and then turned on the couch, lying backwards across Sam’s lap until he had his head propped on the arm of the couch and his shoulders rested against one of Sam’s thighs. They were still holding hands.

“This ok?”

“I told you, whatever you need.”

“Yeah. Ok. So, I got financial aid and I enrolled. Wasn’t really that interested in much of it, till I got to my first computer programming class. I hadn’t done much more with computers after I left here other than just email and play video games - or video chat with you. Turned out I was really good at programming, though. It was like second nature. Before I knew it, I was coding in my spare time, making up programs and stuff.”

Gabriel sighed and shifted slightly, feeling like he should skip ahead and stop stalling. He took a deep breath and without prompting, Sam started combing his fingers through Gabe’s hair. He felt better instantly, but he still didn’t want to continue. He did anyway.

“Long story short, my second semester, I sold a program I wrote and made a lot of money. I stayed in school, though. I wanted to at least finish that first year. After the sale, I went to this party. Frat party, actually, where I met this guy Gordon.”

Just saying the name out loud caused Gabriel’s anxiety to spike. If not for Sam’s fingers, grounding him, he might have gone into a complete state of panic and run out of the room. Instead, he focused on the rhythmic strokes against his scalp and breathed slowly until he was calmer again. Sam, to his credit, did not push or prompt or even look at Gabriel questioningly. He just kept stroking Gabriel’s head and said nothing.

“I’m gonna keep the next parts brief because I don’t know if I can get through them otherwise. You can ask for details later, if you want, but this first time, I just need to get it out, ok?” Sam nodded. “I met him and I fell for him. He was smart and funny and athletic and basically after all those years of being lonely, I felt like, finally, something good had fallen my way.”

He let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. How wrong he had been to think that. How wrong he had been to trust anything Gordon had said or done.

“We started hanging out a lot. I wasn’t sure if he was gay or not, but he seemed to be into me, too, so I confessed my feelings to him. I didn’t make a move or anything, I just told him I was gay and that I thought I was falling for him. I found out much later that he’d only gotten close to me because he knew about the money, but I had no idea then.” Gabriel’s mouth twisted. “I should have known because he’d borrowed money a couple times without paying it back, but…I was blinded.”

Gabriel lay there quietly for a moment, lost in thought, remembering all the things he wanted to forget. The hateful voice that usually told him “Sam’s just trying to trick you like Gordon did” was mercifully silent for a change. He glanced up at Sam, but didn’t make eye contact.

“Anyway, like I said, I told him how I felt and he freaked out at first. I got really upset, obviously, but then he called me later and pretended he was into me, too. He said he’d freaked out because he hadn’t been ready to deal with how he was feeling. Then he told me he wanted to be with me, but said he had to break it off with his girlfriend, first.”

Gabriel’s heart was a jackhammer in his chest now. Even Sam’s fingers were failing to soothe him. Sam, noticing, shifted around until his back was against the couch arm, lifting Gabriel until his back was against Sam’s chest. With one long arm, he held Gabriel around the waist. The other hand continued to stroke his hair. Gabriel felt so much gratitude in that moment. And something a little too close to hope for his comfort. He couldn’t afford hope. Not right now.

“Anyway, he told me to meet him later that night. He said he was gonna break up with her and then we’d meet up and we could be together.” His voice caught a little on the last couple of words, knowing as he did what came next. He tried to drag in a deep breath, but it was hard.

“I went over there, thinking I was maybe going to get to make out with the first guy who had meant anything to me since…” Gabriel tilted his head over his shoulder to not quite look Sam in the eye. “Since you.”

Sam stopped petting Gabriel’s hair and instead wrapped both arms around and squeezed. In that moment Gabriel realized there was more that Sam needed to know than the story of Gordon. There was something big he had been dancing around all this time. If he and Sam were going to have any hope of being together, Gabriel suddenly knew he had to tell him that part first, before he talked about all that came later.

“Sam, there’s something I need you to know before I tell you the rest. Maybe you’ve guessed it by now, I don’t know.” He glanced up again. “The thing is…I never got over you. Not really. That’s why I kept all those CDs and that picture of you and Dean that’s been in every wallet I’ve had since you sent it to me. And that teddy bear? I slept with it for two years.”

He was facing Sam enough to see when his eyes went wide. He kept talking, hoping he didn’t sound like a lunatic. Sam kept holding on to him, so he took that as a good sign.

“All those years, whenever times were bad, I’d daydream about you to feel better. After a while, I stopped thinking about you every day, but, until Gordon, I doubt if a week went by without you crossing my mind. I hope I don’t sound crazy. We were so young and 9 years is a long time, I know that. But what you and I had…” Gabriel wasn’t really sure what to say, how to explain, but Sam interrupted.

“Gabe, I didn’t get over you until I met Jessica. Even then, I still thought about you. Hell, I even told her about you.”

“You...you _did_?”

“Yeah. I did. So if you’re crazy, so am I.” His smile was full of things Gabriel couldn’t look at right now.

“That’s...wow, Samsam. Um, ok, well, I’m glad we’re on the same page about that.” Now more than ever, Gabriel wanted this thing with Sam to be something real. That couldn’t happen until everything was on the table, though - and maybe not then. He let out a deep, resigned breath. “Guess I’d better get to the rest of my story now.”

“Whenever you’re ready, Gabe.”

Gabriel nodded, heaving a deep sigh. “Ok. Well, Gordon was indeed waiting for me that night at his apartment…” Gabriel had to stop and take a breath to try and slow his suddenly racing heart.

 

 

* * *

 

# TRIGGER WARNING

* * *

 

 

“But he was not alone. He and a few of his frat buddies proceeded to kick the shit out of me, laughing at me and calling me hateful, nasty names the whole time.”

Despite his efforts, his breathing began to hitch and Sam’s hands stroked up and down his arms to try to quiet him. It helped a little, but the only way through was forward, so he kept talking. He did his best to tell it like a story, trying to keep his emotions out of it.

“I failed to mention, Gordon had tricked me into getting naked before this little shindig got started. So it was my buck naked ass they were kicking. Thankfully no one damaged the goods, but it was an extra humiliation. When they felt like they’d had their fun pounding on me, they pissed on me and my clothes - and then they left.”

He felt lips press against his head, but it barely registered. He wasn’t done. Sam most likely thought it was over, but it wasn’t. He hated to disillusion him, but Gabriel had no choice.

“Everyone, that is, except Gordon. He wasn’t done with me yet. See, it turned out that part of his homophobic rage was based in some twisted latent homosexual feelings. So he thought a better solution, instead of just exploring those feelings like I had wanted to do, was having his friends beat me up…” Gabriel took a deep, steadying breath. “And then coming back by himself to rape me.”

Until Sam had him turned around and was rubbing his back and rocking him slightly, he hadn’t realized he was crying. He didn’t try to stop. He let the tears come. He had gotten this far and Sam was still holding on. It was the only thing that gave him enough strength to continue.

“All I could really do at first was lay there and take it. As a rule, rapists generally aren’t too concerned with prep and Gordon was no exception, but - ” Gabriel stopped and shook his head, remembering how Gordon’s sadistic use of his finger as a taunt, though still dry, had actually been a small favor. “Let’s just say, it wasn’t as bad as it might have been.”

When he heard the sob, Gabriel thought it was his own at first, but then he registered that he’d felt Sam move when he’d heard it. “Hey, shhh, Samsam, come on. It was a long time ago. I’m ok now. Don’t cry, please?” Gabriel begged, his voice breaking on the last word. “I won’t get through this if we’re both crying.”

“S-sorry, Gabe, but that’s not gonna happen. Me expressing the rage I’m feeling isn’t gonna help, so I’m holding that back, but thinking about you hurting so much...that’s hurting me and I can't hold that back. I gotta let that out, man.” He brushed his hand down Gabriel’s face gently. “Go on and finish talking. Don’t worry about me.”

Gabriel looked at him for a long moment, then nodded and lay his head down on Sam’s chest before speaking again. “The bad part is coming next, so just be ready, ok?”

Sam’s breath hitched, but he told Gabriel he was ready. Gabriel took up the story where he’d left off.

“At any rate, I’d been beaten bloody and I was weak. I couldn’t fight him off. I couldn’t do anything for several really horrible minutes. But then, he knocked a picture frame off the coffee table. The glass shattered and I saw my chance. As injured as I was, I somehow found the strength to grab that shard.”

Here Gabriel paused for a moment, risking a look at Sam before continuing. “I stabbed at him. And I stabbed again, and again - until he stopped moving. When I was pretty sure he was dead, then I slashed at my own arm with it. Really, I wanted to die before the cops got there. I thought if I cut deep enough and kept cutting, I might be able to.” He risked another look at Sam. “But then I thought of you and my promise all those years ago and I stopped.”

 

 

* * *

 

# END TRIGGER WARNING

* * *

 

 

Gabriel sat up and moved away, to allow Sam to see him and process his words as he spoke again.

“I killed a man, Sam. Yes, it was self-defense and yes, no one could blame me, after what he’d done. But I still sleep with that every single night. I still have nightmares. I still have the migraines left over from the head injuries they gave me. I’ve taken a life and I am broken and damaged - maybe beyond repair, Samsam.”

Gabriel suddenly realized how exhausted he was. He thought of how much was left to the story. He honestly didn’t think he could continue tonight.

“Sam, look, there’s more, my arrest and the trials and all of that. And I will tell you all of it, I promise. But I can’t tonight. Ok? Not tonight.” Gabriel ducked his head, unable to look at Sam as he said the next bit. “And, if you’re gonna leave me now that I’ve told you, could you at least wait until morning? Because I could really use someone to hold me till I fall asleep.”

Sam assured him, “I’m not going anywhere, now or later,” then stood and held out a hand for Gabriel. Then he helped him to the bedroom and into bed. Once they were both under the covers, Sam gathered Gabriel to him and held onto him, stroking his hair and back until Gabriel finally fell asleep.

* * *

 

Long after Gabriel’s breathing evened out, Sam lay awake in Gabe’s bed, stroking the shorter man, and pressing soft kisses to his head and face. He couldn’t begin to comprehend what Gabe had gone through. He couldn’t imagine what it had been like for him at the time - or in all the time since. All he knew was that the beautiful boy he had loved all those years ago had lost so much more than Sam had even suspected.

“I don’t know why you think you don’t deserve happiness, Gabe,” he whispered into the darkness. “You deserve it maybe more than anyone else I’ve ever met.” As he pressed another kiss to Gabe’s head, fresh tears formed and fell from his eyes. It was a long time before he was finally able to fall asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, Gabe was just starting to stir. He could see that Gabe was surprised when he was awake enough to realize Sam was still next to him. He pulled back from Sam, dropping his eyes.

“Hey, Sam-O. Didn’t really expect you to still be here.”

“You should give me more credit, Gabe.”

Gabe shrugged and nodded and Sam wasn’t sure he knew what he was trying to say. “I should take a shower. You still want to hear the rest of the story?”

Sam said that he did.

“Ok. After I shower, we’ll get breakfast and I’ll finish talking.”

As Gabe headed for the bathroom, Sam went into the kitchen. He was no great shakes at cooking, but Dean had made sure he could do a few basic things so he could feed himself “something other than raw fruit and take-out salads.” Breakfast foods were the first lesson and the one Sam had done the best implementing in his adult life.

He whipped up banana pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs with peppers and spinach. He sliced up some strawberries for good measure. He figured Gabe could use the strength and the comfort. He put both whipped cream and maple syrup on the table and waited for Gabe to arrive. He was just finishing up the eggs when Gabe walked in.

“You cook?” Gabe was obviously surprised again. “I mean, I knew Dean at least tried to teach you to bake - I saw the pictures, but I didn't realize it actually took.” He smiled at Sam. “Thanks, Sampson. It looks great.”

They ate in silence, Sam sneaking looks at Gabe in between bites of his food. He watched with a smile as Gabe loaded his pancakes with both whipped cream and syrup and then topped the whole thing with strawberries. He snickered and Gabe’s eyes flew up to his. When he saw Gabriel’s smirk slide into place, he felt like maybe Gabe was finally starting to see that they could get through this and still be together. He hoped so.

“I guess I should be happy there is at least fruit in it, right?” Sam asked with his own smirk.

“Damn right, Sam-O. Plenty of vitamins in strawberries. Potassium, for one. Plus, whipped cream is dairy and that’s gotta be a food group, right?” He shoveled a large bite into his mouth and chewed with gusto.

Sam pointed at the “Non-dairy” portion of the label and stared at Gabe with raised eyebrows, saying nothing.

“Whatever, jackass, you put it on the table.” He took another bite and then his eyebrows shot up as he pretended to think of something. “Ooh, maybe you were hoping to make a Gabe sundae, was that it? Did you get all turned on thinking about what I said about rubbing myself with pancakes?”

Sam rolled his eyes. Then he grabbed the can of whipped cream and sprayed it directly at Gabe’s face.

“Oh, you son of a bitch!” Gabe snapped, forking up a large section of his uneaten pancake pile. “I just had a damn shower!” He yelled as he shot the food into the air toward Sam.

They had a small food fight for the next few minutes, that ended with them wrestling over who was getting the last of the butter in their pants. After only a few moments of this, though, Sam was no longer interested in fighting. Proximity to Gabe was doing what it always did.

Out of breath from their little skirmish, he panted, “Maybe we could take another shower. Together this time.”

“Yeah?” Gabe asked quietly, shock, hope and gratitude all showing plainly on his face.

“Don’t make me beg, Trixton,” Sam replied. Then he pulled Gabriel forward and stole a sticky, whipped cream and strawberry-flavored kiss.

An hour later, when they had fucked each other senseless in the shower and used up all the hot water, they settled on the couch, wrapped in bathrobes. Sam’s was too short in the arms and legs, but he didn’t mind. He let Gabe get comfortable in the corner of the couch and then he lay down in front of him, Sam’s back to Gabe’s chest. Gabe’s arms wrapped around and Sam felt lips pressed lightly to his temple.

“You don’t have to tell me anything else, unless you want to, Gabe,” Sam let him know, when they had lain there in silence for nearly 10 minutes.

He felt Gabe shift underneath him. “I need to tell you everything, Sam. All of it. Then maybe I can be done with it. I’m just trying to find the right words.”

* * *

 

That wasn’t strictly the truth. Gabriel wasn’t really trying to think about what to say. He already knew what came next and where to start. In actuality, he had been lying there coming to the realization that he was completely and utterly in love with Sam Winchester. It wasn’t a carry over from loving him all those years, either. This was a brand new thing. Adult Gabriel had fallen in love, all over again, with adult Sam. And this time, Gabriel already knew there’d be no getting over it.

He didn’t say any of that. He thought he probably would, but not yet. Not quite yet. Instead, he launched back into his story.

“I had to go through 3 trials. The first one was for me. I was arrested for Gordon’s death and charged. Ordinarily, it would have been an open and shut self-defense case, but Gordon and his buddies were richer and more powerfully connected than even Clan Angeles. So I got put through the wringer.” Gabriel shifted in his seat, then explained. “He’d run up a lot of gambling debts, which is why they targeted me, but his family was well-funded.”

Gabriel had trouble finding a comfortable position, until Sam reached up to stroke the back of his neck. He relaxed significantly and stopped squirming.

“The police were fucking horrible to me. They accused me of lying, called me names, blamed me for the whole thing. Then somebody apparently got wind about the software deal and realized I was rich enough to cause them real trouble. So most of them were suddenly crawling all over themselves trying to keep me happy, despite the fact they were still charging me.”

He laughed without a trace of real humor. “All except this one hard old bastard, who was just sure I was the slutty faggot who’d seduced the rich confused college boy. So I could kill him and take his money, of course.” He shook his head. “My father sent a very good attorney at that point, who suggested they actually listen to me and check Gordon’s phone to see the texts he had sent me about the meet that night, to show it was his idea. I also thought there might be texts with him and his buddies.”

This time when he laughed, there was some amusement. “I had no idea that Gordon’s sadism and general fucked-up-ness would help me in that whole mess, but it did. It took them a long time to crack his password and gain access. In the end, they found some text messages, but nothing major. The thing that really interested them was the video he had made of the whole thing.”

“He fucking filmed it all?” Sam asked, incredulously. Gabriel didn’t mind so much that his rage was showing just a little bit. It felt nice, knowing Sam cared enough to be that angry.

“Yeah, Sampson, he set his phone up to film it and got his attack on video. I actually knocked the phone over when I stabbed him, so the video didn’t have that part. And you know, when they finally broke the password on Gordon’s phone, I thought that old hard ass guy was gonna swallow his own tongue. Even he couldn’t deny what was there on video, but honestly? I expected him to try.”

Gabriel shook his head, still incredulous after all this time. “Instead, the son of a bitch almost threw up when he saw what happened to me. He actually _apologized_. I still can’t believe that. I mean, this guy hated my guts, he was so sure it was all my fault. But when he saw what they did, it changed him. It shook up his little black and white world, I guess. Suddenly, I had the police on my side, even though those rich and connected families were forcing us to go forward with a trial.”

Gabriel shook his head, amazed still by the injustice of it. “The police convinced me the best way to deal with them once and for all was have the trial and expose the whole truth. I wasn’t against publicly humiliating them, of course, I just didn’t want to have the same done to me by showing the video to everyone. Dad convinced me not to fight them on it. To have my day in court.”

Gabriel stared into the distance, not really seeing the kitchen he was looking toward. He squeezed Sam tighter without realizing he was doing it until Sam squeezed his arms.

“That one old guy, he testified at my trial and I think his testimony swayed the jury as much as anything else. He didn’t hold back. He told them exactly what he thought of me when I got brought into the station and none of it was good. Then he started talking about the video and you could just see his face change.”

Gabriel shook his head again, clearing the memories.

“I was acquitted easily after that. Then there was the trial for the ones who had beaten me up. Shitty judge on that one. Their lawyers managed to get the charges dropped down from aggravated assault to some little bullshit thing with virtually no jail time. So they were found guilty, but there was no justice, really. Dad to the rescue again, though, because he convinced me to file a civil suit.”

“The downside being you had to go through 3 trials.”

“Yeah. That wasn’t any kind of fun. I say I filed the suit, but Dad basically took charge of it all. I was barely functioning. I may have stopped cutting, but I still just wanted to stop being. Then Dad brought me back to South Point for a visit, once I’d won the suit. Once I was here, I remembered being happy here.”

“I got into therapy, here, too. She told me that I should find a goal for myself. Something worth working toward, to help me keep going. I thought about the candy shop and I decided to put my energy into that, to take the money I’d earned and the money I’d bled for and turn it into something better. Honestly, I always kinda figured I’d start the shop and then kick off when I was done. Then I opened another shop, and Dad and I kept getting closer and...well, it just didn’t seem like I should off myself anymore.”

Sam turned over in his lap, until he was facing him. “I told you this last night when you were sleeping, but I need you to hear it now. You deserve to be happy, Gabe. Nothing that you’ve told me makes me believe that less. If anything, I believe it more now.”

Gabriel smiled at Sam, tucking an errant strand of the tall man’s hair behind his ear. “That day I walked out of the back room and saw you standing in my shop, Samsam, that was the happiest I had felt in years. The times I’ve had with my Dad and since then, with your brothers and your niece, those have been great, too. But the time I’ve spent with you has made me happier than I ever thought I’d be again.”

“Same here, Gabe. Did you really think I wouldn’t want to be with you just because of the bad stuff that happened to you?”

Gabriel stopped smiling, dropping his hands and his eyes. “I killed someone, Sam. My body has scars and I’ve got even more emotional scars. My head is literally and figuratively broken because of what they did to me - and I might never recover from that.” Gabriel looked up, to make sure Sam understood. “But above all of that, I took a life. I know all the justifications and rationales, Sam, so don’t bother. I get that it was necessary, believe me. It doesn’t change what I did or how much it affects me.”

“It also doesn’t change who you are, Gabe. It might change how you think or feel about certain things, but it hasn’t changed what kind of person you are. Nothing that happened makes you less of the person I know. And I want to be with you, Gabe.”

“You say that, but how do you know? When you’ve been woken up by the dozenth nightmare and had to rub my head or when I get weird because I saw the name Gordon for the fiftieth time, what then?” Gabriel slid out from under the taller man and paced near the couch. “You still gonna want to stick around?”

Sam reached out and snagged Gabriel’s hand, causing him to stop pacing. He looked up at Gabriel with nothing readable in his face. “Yes, Gabe. I’m still going to want you in my life. No matter how hard it gets. Your dad knew all of this and he didn’t run away from you, even though he barely knew you.”

Gabriel just wasn’t able to believe him, no matter how much he wanted to. “Ok, then how about when all of a sudden, I can’t stand it when you touch me? When there hasn’t even been a trigger that you can tell, but I just don’t want your hands on me because I feel violated all of a sudden?” Gabe dropped his head. “And anyway, he’s my dad, he has to love me.” Gabriel knew it was weak. As Sam had said, Balthazar had barely known him. It wasn’t like Sam’s own dad had always been accepting of him, either.

It didn’t matter, though. Sam’s next words broke down his last defenses.

“And _I’m_ your _Sam_. So do I. Ever since you kissed me when I was 12, Gabe, I haven’t had a choice. I wasn’t going to tell you this for a long time. I figured you’d freak out. But I need you to know now.”

Sam reached out for Gabe’s other hand, too. He pulled Gabriel toward him until he had no choice but to straddle Sam’s lap. He wanted to make a joke about Sam’s bony knees, but his voice was lost somewhere under the hammering beat of his heart as he looked into Sam’s eyes. He wasn’t sure he was ready for what he thought Sam was going to say, but every cell in his body wanted to hear it.

“Gabriel, I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you since I was 12, but you’ve managed to make me fall in love with you all over again. There’s no way I’m letting you go just because you’ve taken some hits and done some things I wish you hadn’t had to do. I love you, you jackass.”

Gabriel felt his breath catch. He didn’t take in another. He stared into those color-changing eyes of Sam’s  without breathing until his vision started to grey around the edges. Then he sucked in a breath and the world cleared. Sam was looking at him uncertainly.

“I love you, too, Samsam.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Still. Again. I don’t even know anymore. I just want you in my life. Be with me, Sam. For real. No more just friends and no more fuck buddies.”

Sam answered by kissing him until the world went grey again. Then they held onto each other for a very long time, not speaking, just peppering each other with soft kisses and finger strokes. They stayed that way until a knock at the door surprised them both.

Gabriel answered it to find his father standing there.

“Uh, hey, Dad, what brings you by?”

“Um, our lunch date? Have you gone dotty?” he asked, eyeing Gabriel with concern despite his words. “You’re not even dressed. Oh, I see,” Thaz murmured, eyeing Sam standing behind the couch.

“Hi, Thaz,” Sam greeted him shyly.

“Sorry, Dad, it slipped my mind, just give me a minute.”

“I don’t want to intrude…” Thaz said, clearly miffed that he’d been forgotten.

Gabriel took a deep breath and sighed. “Dad, I told Sam everything last night and this morning. We’re, um…” His eyes trailed over to Sam’s and he smiled broadly. “We’re going to try being a couple,” he told his father, turning his gaze back to the older man with some effort.

“What? Are you serious? That’s wonderful! Sam, you must come to lunch with us. My treat. Oh, fantastic. I want to hug you both!” Then he looked at each of them. “Perhaps when you’ve put some trousers on, I think. Hurry now, my little lambs, go get dressed so we can celebrate.”

As Gabriel and Sam walked down the hall, Gabriel heard his father on his cell phone.

“Cas? Darling brother, grab Dean and that adorable daughter of yours and meet us at Le Fleur in forty-five minutes. You’ll never guess what’s happened.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes, smiling. He stopped smiling when he was dressed and returned to the living room to find his father frowning.

“I took the liberty of _not_ cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Perhaps you should take care of that before we go to lunch, yes?”

“Here, I’ll help,” Sam offered as he walked past Gabriel on the way to the kitchen.

“Well, you did start it, after all.”

“Jackass. Besides, think of how it turned out,” Sam reminded him with a grin.

“Oh, yeah. That was nice,” Gabriel murmured, sidling closer to his very attractive, newly-labeled boyfriend. “Maybe after lunch,” he told Sam with a kiss to the ear, “we can - “

“I am literally standing right here, boys. Can you perhaps do more cleaning and less scarring Gabriel’s father for life? I am thrilled for the both of you, that does not mean I want to witness it first hand.”

They both snickered, but stepped apart and started cleaning.

* * *

 

Sam didn’t get to find out what Gabe had been suggesting for after lunch. Because he’d gotten a text from Dean before lunch, asking him if he could come home right after the meal. Apparently, he and Gabe weren’t the only ones with news. Sam hoped it was good news. He thought it was, or Dean would have said something.

Lunch had been a lot of fun. No one had asked too many questions or anything, but everyone was happy for them. There had been a fair amount of teasing, naturally. Sam had only been surprised by how much of it had come from Cas. He was glad about that, though. Cas was really starting to come out of his shell completely. He’d been slowing emerging bit by bit all this time, but he was getting more comfortable in front of people besides just Sam and Dean now. It made Sam happy to see it.

When all the Winchesters got back to the house, they let Mary loose in the living room, trusting all the new gates to keep her from walking off while the adults had their talk. Sam started getting a little worried when the pair sat together holding hands, but then he realized how happy and relaxed they both looked, so he knew it wasn’t a bad thing.

“Sam, we’ve got kind of big news. Maybe not as big as you and Gabe, but important, anyway,” Dean told him with a grin. He looked over at Cas with evident hearts in his eyes and continued speaking. “Castiel here has just hired a new second-in-command to replace Inias when he leaves in a few weeks.”

“Wow, ok, I didn’t even know Inias was leaving. So who is the replacement?” Sam didn’t know why this was such a big deal, but he was proud of Cas’ work, so he showed as much enthusiasm as he could.

Dean and Cas grinned at each other and Sam realized later that should have tipped him off, but it didn’t.

“Me,” Dean admitted with a pop of his eyebrows.

“Wait...what?”

“When Inias told me he was leaving, I thought about trying to hire someone and how hard it would be to find someone who understands our work, and how I work, and I started feeling very discouraged.” Cas smiled at Dean and then turned it toward Sam. “But then I realized I knew someone who was fully capable of doing the job, works well with me, and cares about my work as much as I do. It also happens to be someone who was lamenting his inability to spend as much time at home with Mary as he would like.”

“So I’m going to work for Cas, mostly from home just like he does. I talked to Bobby about it when Cas first brought it up and we’re working it out. He wants Charlie to take on a larger role, anyway, so I am kind of training her to help take my place. He plans to take on more responsibility himself again, too. And...yeah.” Dean just awkwardly stopped talking.

“Tell him the other part, Dean.” When Dean said nothing, Cas gave an exasperated sigh and took over. “Bobby says he can’t run all three of his locations without Dean and he doesn’t want to sell, so he’s giving Dean the third location. He refuses to let Dean pay for it, either. So Dean is now a _business owner_ , as well as a work from home CFO for a charity organization.” He grabbed Dean and kissed him with a loud smack. “And I couldn’t be more proud to call him my husband.”

Sam laughed as Dean blushed a deep pink. “So that’s why you’ve been so happy lately, huh?”

“Yeah, Sammy. I know I never said anything, but handling everything at Bobby’s, it was starting to stress me out. And I missed Mary starting to walk and...I’m just so happy, man. A few more weeks and all I have to do for the auto business is handle major decisions. Otherwise, I’ll be working at home with my best friend and my best girl.”

Sam wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Dean happier, except on his wedding day and the day they brought Mary home. “I’m really happy for you both. That’s fantastic!” he told them with a grin.

“But, hey, listen. I know we teased you a lot at lunch and everything…” Dean began.

“But we are both very, very happy that you and Gabe seem to be working it out. You’re good for each other. You always have been. We love you both very much,” Cas finished with a bright smile.

Just then Sam felt a tug on his jeans. Mary stood there, arms held high. “Zam, pick up! Zammy! Pick up!” When he did, she grinned and asked, “Where Day? Day come?”

“Day’s not here, Mary, sorry. Maybe tomorrow, ok?”

“Seems like we aren’t the only ones who like your boyfriend,” Dean teased. “You like Gabe, Mary? You like Uncle Sammy’s boyfriend?”

“Day Unca Zam boyfwend?” She scrunched up her face into a squint so like her papa’s that all three of the Winchester men laughed out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS: BASICALLY ALL OF THEM (except underage and eating disorder). Pretty much everything else, including rape, graphic depictions of violence, self-harm/cutting, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, homophobic slurs, public humiliation, police bullying, minor character death...there are probably some I've missed.
> 
> That middle bit was rough, I know. I will have the FINAL CHAPTER (holy crap!) posted by Friday. Then there will be time stamps and (eventually) a part 3 and 4!! ♥ If you need to yell at me or cry on my shoulder, you know what to do. I love you darlings. I am so sorry for the pain.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gift from the past and a massage and the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schmoop and smut. That's pretty much it. That's the ending I'm leaving you darlings with. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Thanks SO MANY. 10. All of it. 5" to [mahbbys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/pseuds/mahbbys), beta extraordinaire. She might not always catch all the typos I make (because there are just so many), but she always catches when I could have said something better or need to make something clearer.

Gabriel was nervous. He’d originally intended the gift to be for Sam’s birthday, but he’d ended up chickening out, since they were still just sleeping together then. He realized now that he was bouncing his foot like a crazy person as he waited for Sam to show up and he forced himself to still. He took deep, calming breaths and forced all his muscles to relax. This was Sam. There was nothing to be scared of.

At least, that’s what he tried to tell himself. But the frightened, anxious, damaged parts of his brain still flung doubts and worst case scenarios at him. Those whispers and shouts told him Sam was just waiting until the right moment to hurt him, when it would cut the deepest. The rational part of his brain told him that was not true. Some part of him even recognized that, in their long and difficult history, Gabriel had always been the one who did the pushing away.

If anyone had reason for mistrust in this relationship, it was Sam, not Gabriel. But then, it wasn’t just this relationship that had made Gabriel into the man he was. It wasn’t Sam he didn’t trust. It was humans. He would have to try to get past it, he knew, if he wanted this to work. And oh, but he wanted.

The knock was firm, but not very loud. Ever since the migraine, Sam had been careful with his knocking, like he was afraid to hurt Gabriel even a little. In that moment, Gabriel knew it was all going to be fine. He might freak out again, but for now, he was sure it would be ok.

“Heya, Samsam. How’s everything?” He was smiling, still a little nervous, but more from excitement than from fear.

“Better now,” Sam told him, pulling him forward for a hug.

“Everything good with Dean and Cas?”

“Yeah, actually, everything with them is really good.” He was walking toward the couch as he said it and sat down as he finished speaking. “Dean’s going to quit Bobby’s and go work for Cas, so he can be at home more. They’re pretty excited.”

“Wow. That’s cool.” He sat down next to Sam, grabbing the box from the coffee table as he did so. He felt awkward again and considered just shoving the box at Sam without a word, but thought better of it. He forced himself to say something, though he thought it was lame at best. “I, uh, got you something. It was supposed to be a birthday present, but, um...well, I decided to wait.”

“Yeah?” Sam’s face lit up, excitement evident. “Gimme!” he insisted with a grin Gabriel couldn’t help but answer.

“All right, all right, hold your horses, jackass.”

“Why would a jackass have horses?”

“Will you shut up you big dufas? I’m trying to be sentimental here.”

“Right. Sorry,” Sam murmured, not looking sorry at all.

“It’s something...oh, screw it - _here_ ,” Gabriel grumbled, holding the small box out toward Sam with hands that shook slightly.

He watched, heart in his throat, as Sam opened the box. He watched confusion pass over Sam’s face followed by recognition and then a sort of awe. One set of extra large fingers reached into the box to pull out the silver disk on a chain. Gabriel couldn’t see the words from this direction, but he knew that the front said “Sam-O & Gabe 4EVER.”

“You...how did you...I mean, I guess you kept it, but…” Sam seemed no more capable of coherent speech than Gabriel had been before he gave him the gift.

The original medallion was from an arcade. Sam had used one of those do-it-yourself coin machines to make it and had given it to Gabe the day before he left for Illinois. Gabriel had kept it, like the picture and the teddy bear, all these years.

“I came across it in a box and…” Gabriel trailed off. “Ok, no, that’s my self-preservation bullshit kicking in. I looked for it in the box. Just before your birthday, I was trying to come up with a present for you and I thought it would be kind of great to get that done up in real silver.”

“You kept it? Is it the original? Dipped in silver?”

“No, it’s solid silver. They made a mold with the original. I still have it.”

“But you did this for my birthday? Before you decided we could be more?”

“I already knew I was _feeling_ more than just friends and fuck buddies, Sam-O. I just wasn’t going to let myself _have_ anything more than that.” He sighed and decided to just say it all. “Even though I never thought I’d be ready, I still wanted to show you somehow, give you something that told you how much you meant to me. I had thought, I could pretend it didn’t mean anything, that it was just a fun “remember when” gift.”

“You’re kind of a dumbass.”

“Yeah, well, you’re an asshole, it evens out.” They were both smiling. “So, you gonna wear it? If not, I understand, it is kinda big. Although, on you, I guess it’ll look normal size,” Gabe told him, smirk returning.

“Too bad you don’t have one for yourself. You could look like one of those rappers who wears the hubcaps around their necks.”

“See? Total asshole.”

“You love me,” Sam teased.

The smirk disappeared, replaced by a soft, wondering smile. “Yeah, Sam. I do.”

* * *

 

Sam really didn’t have any sort of sexy plan in mind when he offered Gabe a massage. He really just wanted to help Gabe relax after a particularly stressful day.

Who knew selling candy could be so complicated? He and Gabe had talked about what happened after Stanford - namely that he might just take the job offer from Cas to be their full-time attorney, so he could do what he loved near all the people he loved - but Sam thought maybe it was time to talk about Gabe hiring someone to work the stores full time in the next few months. Gabe could always go back to writing software, if he needed something to do. Or he could get more into the development side of the candy.

Sam brought his thoughts back to the very naked man in front of him. Gabe was lying on his stomach, arms bent above his head. Sam had rubbed every inch of him down to his waist, pressing kisses everywhere his hands touched. As his hands roamed lower, Sam took time to appreciate the view in front of him.

For all his short jokes, Sam really did think Gabe had a great body. He was perfectly proportioned - not to mention well hung. The firm, round ass Sam currently kneaded between his hands was a thing of beauty. He kissed the skin of each cheek, just as he had all the other places he had touched. He started to move on to Gabe’s thighs, but he couldn’t help remembering what Gabe had done for him from this position.

Sam had never had any particular interest in receiving that kind of attention, let alone giving it. Not until Gabe had shown him the wonders of it. He’d been totally on board with receiving, then. Gabe had done it a few times now, but Sam had never reciprocated. He wasn’t sure if Gabe would want him to.

WIth that in mind, he moved his hands back up to Gabe’s cheeks. He rubbed and squeezed for a few more moments and then he pulled them apart slightly, exposing Gabe’s puckered hole. There appeared to be a small scar on one side of the otherwise-symmetric ring, but Sam wasn't sure. There was no other indication of the pain Gabe must have endured.

There was nothing Sam could do about what had happened. He couldn’t erase it. He couldn’t punish the ones who had perpetrated the attack. What he could do, though, was try to give Gabe an experience that was wholly different. Something gentle and soft and full of love. He wanted to at least try, even if it did no good. Gabe would still know he cared enough to want to make a difference.

He moved forward and pressed his lips to Gabe’s puckered hole. Gabe gasped, but didn’t move. Sam spread him open even further and pressed kisses all around before pressing another to the center. Then slowly, gently, he teased his tongue across the opening from bottom to top. He repeated the action in the opposite direction.

Gabe remained still, but his breathing quickened. When Sam, after a few more teasing strokes, finally pressed his tongue flat and applied pressure to the lick, Gabe moaned out his name on a breath. Sam licked everywhere he could reach, teasingly first, then more firmly. When he was satisfied with Gabe’s level of enjoyment, he barely breached the opening with the tip of his tongue.

He pushed it in just slightly and pulled it back out several times. When no protest came, he pressed deeper. He pulled back out and swirled his tongue around the rim in lazy circles for a while before pressing forward again. He had a long, thick tongue and he knew he would be opening Gabe even more than a finger would if he used the full length of it.

He stayed at halfway for several minutes, alternating between thrusting and swirling. Gabe was a whining mess and Sam loved it. The next time he thrust in, he went deeper, rubbing the pads of his thumbs against the rim at the same time. Gabriel was swearing at him, but not in protest.

“Fuck, Sam, more, please…” he begged. “I need more. Go...deeper.”

Sam sank his tongue into Gabe all the way, drawing a groan from the smaller man. He was still being gentle, but he started moving faster now. He continued to tease along the edges with his thumbs as his tongue thrust in and out and Gabe seemed to enjoy it.

“Use...use a finger, Sam,” Gabe shocked him by saying. “Keep...licking, though.”

So Sam pulled his tongue out and slowly slid his spit-slick pinky in. Gabe was relaxed enough that it went in easily, so Sam pulled it out and tried his moistened index finger. He teased the rim with his tongue as he slowly moved his finger in and out of a moaning Gabe. He wasn’t going deeper than the first knuckle, but Gabe bucked his hips backward, taking it all in.

“Open me up, Sam,” came the harsh whisper. “Open me up. Want you to...want you to fuck me.”

Sam looked up and caught those whiskey eyes boring into his. He searched a long time, for any sign of uncertainty, but there was none. He slid up Gabe’s body, turning him onto his side so that Sam could lie against his stomach. He paused on the way to kissing him, though.

He had bought Gabe Listerine pocket packs for the next time Gabe did this to him, and he grabbed one off the night table and put it in his mouth. As soon as it dissolved, he kissed Gabe deeply and pulled Gabe’s top leg up over his hip. He reached back and added lube to his fingers before sliding his hand between Gabe’s legs.

He took his time, opening Gabe up slowly as he kissed him senseless. They lazily rocked their erections against each other, neither man in a hurry. Sam waited until he had all his fingers inside before he sought out Gabe’s prostate and skimmed over it. Gabe bowed back at the touch, breaking the kiss and crying out.

Sam started to press Gabe onto his back, but Gabe shook his head.

“No, want you to lie on top of my back so you can press your whole body against me while you slide inside. Wanna hear your breath in my ear.”

Sam did as he was asked, letting Gabe get himself into position first. Then he climbed up and draped himself over Gabriel, spreading the bottom man’s legs slightly with his thigh. One hand covered Gabe’s while the other reached down to guide his cock into Gabe’s ass.

He’d never felt anything like it. He went slowly, allowing Gabe to get used to him bit by bit, allowing Gabe to stop him from going further, if he needed to. It took him several minutes of moving in and out before he sank inside to the hilt. Part of him never wanted to move again, to just stay there, wrapped in warmth and tightness forever. Gabe moaned a plea for more and Sam pulled out.

Sam began to rock into Gabe slowly. He found a good, lazy rhythm, but every few strokes he would pull almost all the way out and slide forward a little harder than the other times. It pulled a happy groan from Gabe every time. He didn’t speed up much, but his thrusts got more consistently deeper, until he was bottoming out on almost every thrust.

When he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer, he raised Gabriel’s hips so that he could take Gabe’s cock in his hand. He stroked it firmly, just the way he knew Gabe liked. Soon Gabe was panting with want and need.

“Fuck me, Sam, please. Faster and...and harder. Just...yes, fuck, yes,” Gabe cried as Sam did as he had asked.

Sam was fucking into Gabe and causing Gabe to fuck into his fist now and both men were very close. Sam adjusted the angle of his hips just right and hit Gabe’s prostate again. That was all it took for Gabriel to come in hot, wet bursts over Sam’s hand. Sam pulled his hand back and used it to grab onto Gabe’s other hip. Seeing the sticky white mess on his skin punched his own orgasm out of him and he emptied himself deep inside a quickly fading Gabe.

Sam collapsed on top of Gabe, gathering him close as he rolled them onto their sides. He slid out of Gabe and reached down to caress his hip. His hands roamed everywhere they could reach, needing to touch Gabe all over, to be close to him, to reassure both of them. He nuzzled into Gabe’s neck and whispered words of love.

“Thank you, Samsam,” Gabe murmured sleepily.

Sam huffed a chuckle against Gabe’s ear. “For what? The amazing sex?”

Gabe whispered a negative, “Mm-mm” noise. “Jackass,” he grumbled into the pillow, then turned slightly so he could look Sam in the eye. “For always being exactly what I needed. For loving me the way I am. For everything.”

As he stared into those whiskey eyes and saw the love there, love he knew was shining out of his own, Sam knew that every minute of those 9 years had been worth it for just this one moment alone.

“I love you, Gabegabe,” he whispered tenderly.

“Love you, too, Samsam.” Then the smirk Sam loved so much peaked out. “Even if you are an asshole.”

“Yeah, well. We both seem to like assholes, don’t we?”

They kissed until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -sniffle- Does anyone have any tissues for me? IT'S OVER! -wails- I spent so long in this universe and I cannot believe the last chapter of DSMTN (or its working title "Sabriel" heh) is finished! But as I have said, there are many time stamps left and 2 sequels in the works and I hope you'll stick around/come back for those (time stamps will start posting next week some time). Thank you everyone who has commented and spurred me on with encouragement, laughter, and ideas for new ficlets. I love each and every person who reads my stories and/or comments and/or kudos. You're beautiful. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


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